Lots of football tossing throughout the night. Later, Dave and Tom Brady will participate in a Quarterback Challenge on Broadway.

Speaking of football, Dave thinks the rules of NFL football should be changed. Four times a game, twice for each team, the referee will hold up two fingers. This will signal for 2 plays to be run simultaneously with two footballs. Each side will still have 11 players, but the offense will call in their backup quarterback to handle the 2nd football.

The balls would be snapped at precisely the same time and the plays would run at the same time. If both balls gain yardage, the 2-football system would be continued. If only 1 football gains yardage, the team would go with the gained yardage, and then return to one-football football. Dave is so confident of this idea, he expects he’ll receive a note to the tune of, “Thank you, David Letterman! You saved football!”

CBS MAILBAG

And if both plays go for touchdowns, the team gets 12 points and then has to kick two extra points at the same time.

LETTER #1: From Michael Morton of Magnolia, Texas
“Dear Dave, Do you think Donald Trump can outrun a taxicab?”
Dave isn’t sure so he asks some of our guys outside. We cut to a scene on 53rd Street. It appears that Donald Trump has been run over by a yellow cab. Harold, our Head Carpenter answers the question with a simple, “Nope.”

LETTER #2: From Eric Hill of Hilliard, Ohio
“Dear Dave, Have Paul and the CBS Orchestra ever considered making Christmas album?”
Dave asks Paul. Paul says that they may do a Christmas song in the future but he has written a song about how he plans to spend Thanksgiving this year.

“Smilin’ folks at the Macy’s parade.
Delicious food that my wife has made.
We’ll eat and drink and ask for more
And reflect on what we’re happy for.”

“That’s why I’m sad I shan’t be there
Where I am my kids’ll wonder where.
They’ll cry and pout and sadly stare
At my absent laugh and empty chair.”

“Well, their eyes are now dry, they’ll try to be brave
And later that night, that’s when I’ll say
‘Kids, blame it on that bastard Dave,
cause he made Dad work on Thanksgiving Day!’”

Hoo-boy, I laughed at that.

LETTER #3: From Oda Anderson Nyborg of Hamar, Norway
“How did you discover Alan?”
Dave says we spotted Alan in a commercial. In fact, Dave saw Alan the other day in a brand new commercial. Alan concurs, and bought that new commercial with him tonight. “See if you can spot me,” challenges Alan.

We see the beginning of the actual IPod commercial featuring U2’s “Vertigo” with Bono. We can only see the bright green backdrop and the black silhouette of Bono. A sweet dancing dame enters wearing tight clothes, studded belt, and stiletto heels. We see Alan’s silhouette enter but with his bright orange hair. He dances closer to the woman, and then still closer. Once too near, Alan is kneed in the groin by the dancing woman. Alan’s silhouette falls to the ground in agony. Were you able to spot the Alan?

LETTER #4: From Casey Tan of Malaysia
“Do you think you would make a good President?”
Dave says that Bush proves anybody can be President as long as you have good people around you. Dave says he has been so impressed with Condoleezza Rice, the new Secretary of State, that he just had to have her on the program. He welcomes Ms. Rice.

Condoleezza enters to Paul’s “Everybody’s Working For The Weekend.” ‘She’ is holding a drink.

CONDOLEEZZA: “Everybody’s working for the weekend! Everybody’s working for the weekend!”
DAVE: “Well, you’re in a festive mood. Where’d you get that cocktail?”
CONDOLEEZZA: “I took it from Bush when he wasn’t looking.”
DAVE: “Actually, President Bush doesn’t drink anymore.”
CONDOLEEZZA: (big laugh) “Oh, yeah, Bush doesn’t drink. You also probably believe he actually won Florida.”
DAVE: “Now that you’re Secretary of State, any word on Osama?”
CONDOLEEZZA: “I’ve left messages.”
DAVE: “Seems like you have it well in hand.”
CONDOLEEZZA: “Condi gets it done, bitch.”
DAVE: “Now I need to ask if you anticipate any problems between you and Donald Rumsfeld?”
CONDOLEEZZA: “No, we’re dawgs. In fact, I just wrote a book about him …. (holds up book) ‘Rumsfeld: So Gay!’”
DAVE: “Wait. Donald Rumsfeld’s gay?”
CONDOLEEZZA: “He’s so gay he should be running Jersey.”
DAVE: “And what exactly are you basing this on?”
CONDOLEEZZA: (showcasing her body) “A man must be gay if he never tried to hit this.” (yelling) “Know what I’m saying, New York City?!”
DAVE: “Condoleezza Rice, ladies and gentlemen.”
CONDOLEEZZA: (while exiting) “Get your crap outta my office, Powell, or I’ll kick your sorry ass!”

WILL IT FLOAT: Item: a 12 pound, 6 ounce can of apple sauce. Dave says it will sink. Paul says it will float. The Will It Float models drop the item into the Will It Float tank and it . . . . . SINKS!

TOP TEN: Things Overheard at the Opening of the Clinton Library.
#10. “I’m sorry, this part of the library is strictly for 21-and-over.”
#9. “A library in Arkansas --- well, now I’ve seen everything.”
#6. He has the largest collection of adult magazines since Herbert Hoover.”

TOM BRADY:
- 27 years old;
- 5th year in the NFL
- a 6th round draft pick out of Michigan – the 199th player picked.
- Super Bowl champion in 2002 and 2004, and two-time Super Bowl MVP.

This guy got it going on. It’s hard to imagine 198 players being picked in the NFL draft before him but somehow he’s risen to the top. And I think he got to this lofty position when the Patriot’s starting quarterback in 2001, Drew Bledsoe, was injured and Brady was forced to step in. He led the team to the Super Bowl that year, made the “Tuck Rule” famous, and won another Super Bowl two years later. Putting in Brady in place of Bledsoe looks like a great move now, but it was a move that was forced upon them. There was no real genius-at-work involved.

After his segment, we head outdoors to Broadway so Dave and Tom can participate in the Quarterback Challenge. Tonight’s challenge – throwing a football through an open window of a passing taxi cab. Some who have played in the past:
Joe Montana
Steve Young
Kurt Warner
Vinny Testaverde
Peyton Manning
Brett Favre
Troy Aikman
Terry Bradshaw
John Elway

I really can’t recap what was seen on your TV screen because I went outside to do a bit of the crowd control and to haul in the errant footballs. Out on Broadway, I looked uptown to see all the traffic being diverted east on 54th Street. I could only imagine the swearing going on inside those cars. Barriers were set up manned by police officers to prevent vehicular traffic from driving through. Dave and Tom appear under the marquee and a big cheer erupts. We were still in the commercial break. Cops wave a city bus through as it drives by the excitement. Seconds later a car follows. My first guess is the driver piggy-backed onto the bus and made it through the blockade. I immediately reconsidered and figured it was an off-duty cop who flashed his badge to the officers at the barriers. He was waved through. Of course, this guy doesn’t know how to accept a favor without taking advantage. He stops directly across the marquee to see what’s going on. I bang on his window to tell him to move it. He speeds off. I see Dave talking to a camera and figure we’re back from commercial. The first taxi cab is cued and Dave and Tom toss their footballs. Incomplete. The footballs bounce along Broadway. The second taxi cab is cued. A woman who I’ve been keeping an eye on runs out to pick up the football. The football is right in line of the route the next cab will take. I grab and yell for her to keep back. The woman . . . . . . bewildered, confused, excited, lost, and wide-eyed . . . . . stops, starts, stops, spins a complete 360, then returns to where she came. A few more cabs are cued. I’m not sure but I think Dave and Tom ended unsuccessfully in their attempt to throw a football through the window of a passing taxicab.

ACT 5: Uh oh. The camera battery is running low.

DAMIEN FAHEY: He’s a VJ on MTV’s TRL. Being closer to AARP than to Teen Beat, I was unaware of this guy. I knew he filled in at the Late Late Show a while back and heard he did pretty well. He said hosting the Late Late Show was a easier than hosting TRL because he didn’t have hundreds of screaming kids in front of him and Times Square in the background. On the LATE LATE SHOW, he was actually able to carry on a conversation with his guests.

How did Damien get the gig at MTV? While attending Northeastern University in Boston and working at a radio station, MTV held an audition for a VJ. He passed the audition, started at “the Beach House” and eventually went on to host TRL. Damien was recently seen in “Animal Fair” magazine after he struck up a conversation with a journalist for the mag. Damien mentioned he had a dog. The journalist suggested the magazine would like to do a piece on him and his pet. Thing is, Damien really didn’t have a dog. He only had a fake, $12 stuffed dog he bought in Boston. It was one of those little doggies that sleep on a pillow. In fact, that’s it exactly. Damien brought it with him and the dog comes attached to the pillow. “Animal Fair” wanted to send a photographer over to his apartment to take some shots but Damien told them he would take care of everything. No need for them to send a photographer. So Damien set up some shots of him and his “dog” and sent them in. He then made up some amusing stories about the dog and that was it. He and his dog were soon in the magazine. How about that.

Damien then told a story about getting a tour of the Ed Sullivan Theater from Tony Mendez. Tony showed him around. When Damien asked if he could have a cue card, Tony balked. “No, it’s Late Show property. But you can have Dave’s coffee mug!”

You can see more of Damien next week as he hosts the LATE LATE SHOW Monday thru Wednesday, and a repeat of his first stint on Thanksgiving Day. And that was our show for Friday November 19, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

I was watching the opening of the Clinton Library on the CNN Thursday. The rain was coming down and the President, the former Presidents, their wives, and Chelsea were each holding an umbrella. And I wondered, “Don’t they have any of those portable canopies?” They cost less than $100 for a 10X10. Two of them together would have been more than enough to shield them from the rain. And I’m sure the rain didn’t come suddenly. The ceremony started around noon. If I woke up at 9:00 and saw a chance of rain, I would have gone to the local sporting goods store and picked up a couple. Would have paid for it out of my own pocket. Worry about retribution later. Heck, even if they weren’t needed, they’re nice to have lying in the attic in case your own party gets a rain one day. Anybody know why they didn’t have a rain-cover?

Have you ever listened to talk radio and the caller and the host get into an argument? The host then goes on a diatribe, shouting down the caller. The host then waits for a response but none is coming. The host then says, “Where did he go? He hung up? He’s not there? He hung up. Figures.” The host pats himself on the back, proudly announcing that his argument was so persuasive that the caller hung up and ran away. I’ve often wondered if this was true. If the caller hung up, wouldn’t we hear the “click” of the phone? When the host hangs up on the guy, there is no click. When the caller hangs up, there is a click.

Oh, my idea from yesterday about clip-on microphones in different colors to match what the person is wearing ---- Oprah already has it. I’ve been told Oprah already has it. I’ll be watching later today to confirm. Damn. I thought I had something there. But if Oprah has it, why can’t the people at CBS news get it? Or why not us? Someday, maybe in heaven, hopefully we’ll all live like Oprah.

Let’s go, Argonauts!