Dave tries something new tonight. He's going to move all the way to his left. He's in the mood for an arm rest and wants to relax a bit during tonight's show.

While billboarding Nicolas Cage's movie, Dave mistakenly refers to it as "National Velvet," instead of the proper "National Treasure." Dave sighs and says, "How old am I . . . . . ?" I was calling it that, too, in my head all day today. Sigh. I guess I'm old as well.

We head over to Rupert's Hello Deli as is usual on a Tuesday evening. After some small talk, Dave asks, "Rupert, do you know what we're playing tonight?" Rupert says, "What's In The Puddle?" Close, but not quite. Tonight we're playing "Guess the Puddle." Dave sends Rupert outside to get a contestant. Meanwhile, Dave will continue with the program.

Dave read a nice story today in the newspaper. A guy from Ohio named Gene Sukie has been collecting pennies for 34 years and today he's turning them in. As soon as Dave read this, he wanted the guy here. He agreed and we find Gene Sukie in the green room with all his pennies. Dave asks the relaxing Mr. Sukie, "How much have you collected in 34 years?" Sukie says dryly, "27.80."

WHAT THE HELL IS GEORGE W. BUSH TALKING ABOUT?
-From an October 11th speech in Hobbs, New Mexico
-"No dejamros a ningn niZo atrs!"

Back to Rupert at the Hello Deli. He's with Abby Wells of Glasgow, Kentucky. She's a purty, young thing, she is. Where is Glasgow? "Near Bowling Green." When she mentioned how close it was to Louisville, I fully expected the "How do you pronounce the capital of Kentucky?" joke, but nope. What's she doing in town? She came to a CBS Daytime audition. She sent in her headshot and resume in hopes of landing a role with one of the CBS Soaps. We learn she's a student at Western Kentucky, home of the Hilltoppers!
And how many were at the casting call for the CBS Daytime auditions? Abby says over a hundred. Dave offers encouragement when he says he has a special feeling about Abby's future success. Dave then asks Rupert if he too has a special feeling for Abby. Rupert inadvertently answers with a lustful, "Yeah!" I laughed.

Just then in the shack, I realized I was missing an important ACT 2 blue card. Feeling like Uncle Billy in "It's A Wonderful Life," I kept muttering "Oh, it's a pickle, I tell you. A pickle." I soon find the blue card under a bunch of papers.

To explain the game: we put a puddle of something out on 53rd Street. Abby has 30 seconds to analyze it and guess what it is.

After finding the missing blue card, I check back to the monitor and hear Abby ask, "You want me to guess?" Evidently this was a silly question with an obvious answer as Dave and the audience reacted with amusement. Dave has Paul repeat the name of the piece, "Guess the Puddle." Abby guesses, "It looks like corn mixed with soup that's runny." That's close enough for Dave. We have a winner! Abby wins a Hello Deli deli platter and a Cuisinart Electric Skillet.

NICOLAS CAGE: Dave says Nick looks like trouble. Nick is dressed in his black leathers, rings, and boots. Dave may be right. Or Nick is dressed like Howard Stern. Nick is a newly married man. He explains how he met his wife. He was looking for a cocktail and decided to head to Koreatown, the only place that would have something open at that late hour. He met a beautiful young lady, gave her his number, and she called him 3 weeks later. On their first date he took her to the Grand Canyon to meet some Indians. This caught Dave's attention, wondering if Nick did this with all the women he first meets: take them to meet Indians in the Grand Canyon. She agreed to go and they flew by helicopter to the Grand Canyon, then took a plane to San Francisco for dinner. He was able to get her home by 11:00 PM like he promised, which made the girl's mom very happy. Nicolas and Alice are now married.

Damn! I wish I heard this story last week. It was a question on Millionaire on Friday that I got wrong --- something like, "Which of the following met his young wife at a sushi bar?" I picked Jim Carrey.

Right around this time, someone came up with the suggestion to make Amy Wells, the girl in the "Guess the Puddle" segment, the topic in the Act 5. Scurrying as fast as I could scurry in the 8-foot-by-8-foot shack where I watch the show, I missed much of the next two ACTS. I'll try to piece together the rest with what little I know.

Nicolas Cage stars in a new film, "National Treasure." It opens Friday. He plays a guy who is in search of a lost treasure, with clues to its whereabouts on a map on the back of the Declaration of Independence. Many of the founding fathers were free masons who used lots of secret codes and symbols and the map on the back of the Declaration of Independence would lead him to the Knights of Templar treasure. Some of the secret codes and symbols can be found on the dollar bill.

Speaking of Free Masons; there is a Free Masons building up the street from me. Once every two months they have a pancake breakfast. Me and the girls like to go.

JASON ALEXANDER: Star of the CBS series, "Listen Up," Monday nights at 8:30. I was still busy piecing together the ACT 5 during Alexander.
Jason tells a story of mistakenly bringing a martial arts weapon with him on an airline flight. He had gotten it years ago and was thrown in his bag. He hadn't looked at it in years but it just so happened to be in the bag he was traveling with. The weapon was sort of a spring-loaded blackjack. When he tried to get though airport security, every bell and buzzer was set off. He tried to joke his way through this predicament but no one thought it was too funny. Security surrounded him and peppered him with lots of questions. Just when somebody suggested a supervisor be called, one of the security guys, an ex-New York City cop, stepped forward and took charge. He told Jason that if a supervisor was called, there would be no stopping the trouble and delays that would ensue. He informed Jason that he had committed a double felony and could be in a whole lot of trouble. Jason didn't want any trouble. Jason says, thanks to the former NYC police officer, the weapon was confiscated and he paid a fine. Hmmm, let me guess . . . . was the fine paid on the spot?

Jason enjoys coming to New York City. It's fun going out on the town, then reading in the local papers what you did. A few years ago he and a friend visited a strip club spoken highly of by Howard Stern. (Uhhh, Scores?) They went for a few sodas, watched a few dances, spoke to the cigarette girl for a little while, then left. The next day the New York Post reported he spent thousands of dollars at the place and that he tried to convince the dancing girls that he was Kramer.

I don't like going to strip clubs. I'm always afraid I'm going to be caught looking.

"Listen Up" - Monday's at 8:30 on CBS.

ACT 5:
Abby Wells' acting credits include playing Emily Webb in Our Town, Hermia in A Midsummer Night's Dream, and Dancer/Girlfriend in the independent film Al Capone Documentary.
She enjoys working with children, running, and amateur scenic painting.
Abby describes herself as a good typist and being extremely photogenic.
Abby Wells, put her in your next game show or daytime drama.
You'll be glad you did.
We'll be right back.

MORRISSEY: From his latest CD, "You Are The Quarry," Morrissey performed "The First of the Gang to Die." Hey! I liked that!

And that was our show for Tuesday, November 16, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

Morrissey's CD, "You Are the Quarry" made me think of 1970's boxer Jerry Quarry. He was one of the many Great White Hopes who have come and gone in the heavyweight division over the past 40 years. His style was to take two punches in order to throw and miss one. He fought Muhammad Ali in Ali's first fight after being banned from the sport. Ali won. My one memory of Jerry Quarry was his match against Canadian George Chuvalo. Quarry was winning the fight when Chuvalo knocked him down. Instead of getting up immediately, Jerry Quarry decided to stay down, get some rest, and then get up as the ref counted to 9. Unfortunately, Jerry got up when the ref was up to 11. Fight over.

Members of Bush's cabinet are dropping so quickly, it reminds me of Robert Speca's domino demo from Monday night. I'm curious to see how the Republicans put a positive spin on this. I hope those that quit first got all the White House pencils and coffee mugs they need. It seems Laura Bush is the only one not leaving.
I picture this whole thing like the Bush's are throwing a party with all the guests leaving early. "But I have all this food left!" the President cries.

I'm so glad not much is going on in the world. I know this because splashed across the front page of today's Daily News and New York Post are these headlines:
New York Post: "YANKEE WIFE IN SEX TAPES: Sheffied extorted in R. Kelly 'tryst.'"
Daily News: "SHEFFIELD SEX TAPE EXTORTION: Blackmailer said he had video of Yankee star's wife before they were married."

I guess these sex tapes are the biggest story in the world today.

My drive in to work this morning took an hour and 40 minutes. It takes just 25 minutes on Yom Kippur. What was the delay? There was a dog running around the Cross Bronx Expressway. It took me forever to get across the George Washington Bridge. Head Carpenter Harold Larkin and I share a common route to work. We both had a similar suggestion on how the problem could have been, uhhhh, fixed. I don't think I'll say anything more about it.

I closed yesterday's Wahoo Gazette with: "That's all there is. There isn't any more," Why? Because 100 years ago on November 15, 1904: -One of Broadway's most famous phrases was uttered for the first time. Ethel Barrymore, appearing in the play, "Sunday", spoke the famous line….."That's all there is. There isn't any more," as the curtain fell.