All night long, Dave will be assisting customers select eyeglass frames at an area Lenscrafters. Dave doesn't seem too enthusiastic about this, not sure how it will move along. We visit the Lenscrafters at 5th Avenue and 20th Street. The store manager is Clifton. The customer, Chantel. Is this Chantel's first pair of glasses? No. She says her old glasses were so ugly she wouldn't take them out of the house. Dave asks Chantel to try on a pair of frames. Clifton assists. She tries them on. Dave says, "Yeah, take those. I like those." Fanfare from Paul.
Game's over. Huh? Not much to this game. I think Dave was throwing a monkey wrench into a piece that needed a lot of help.
We go back to Lenscrafters with Clifton and Chantel. The two are still trying on different frames. Dave adds a few comments, asking questions, trying to have some fun. Clifton, meanwhile, is trying to make a sale. Clifton seemed to have had enough of Mr. Letterman and politely snaps, "I need to do my job here."
Chantel tries on another pair. Clifton applauds the choice. Dave thinks they overwhelm the face.
Back to Dave, who offers this personal note; "This is what happened to me the last time I went to Lenscrafters." He reaches under the desk and pulls out his glasses from the last century. The frames are huge. Paul surmises, "1976!" Dave likens the frames to something worn by Jacques Cousteau
Dave looks over to our executive producer, Ms. Gaines. He asks, "Are we going back to Lenscrafters?" She makes an executive producer and says no. Dave laughs. "What did that cost us?" he wonders.
What did that cost? $8000. Ouch! There goes my trickle down.

Have you heard that Microsoft is launching a new search engine to compete with Google? They've come out with this commercial.

"Microsoft if proud to announce a new, comprehensive Internet search engine that is far superior to Google. And using the Microsoft search engine couldn't be easier: simply go to www.msn.com, click the sign-in button, register to create a .net password, complete the registration check, read the terms of use and statement of privacy and confirm your agreement, return to the www.msn.com homepage, click search.msn.com, stipulate how your search words are to be interpreted, then adjust how the results are to be displayed, indicate the file types your search should cover, then specify the content to be found on those sites, type search.msn.com/default.aspx, enter the desire topic, and click the search button. It's just that easy. The new Microsoft search engine --- Try it today!"

"The Polar Express" starring Tom Hanks opened today. It's a sure-fire winner. Dave shows a clip of the blockbuster. Hey! It's Shecky footage of two trains on the same track; one traveling east, the other west. KABOOM!

This cost us $0.

Back to Lenscrafters. It looks like Chantel found a pair she likes. All told, it'll run her $300. Dave asks, "And Clifton, when will they be ready?" Clifton answers, "They'll be ready in less than an hour, of course."

What is the most important thing to remember when fitting for a purchase of eyeglasses? Clifton mentions the shape of the frames should complement the face, they should be comfortable, and the customer must like them. Dave points out the most important thing: panoscopic tilt. Remember that.

And our Attorney General John Ashcroft announced he is stepping down from the #1 law enforcement position in the nation. His replacement is already in place.
We see the Attorney General singing "Let the Eagles Soar."

"John Ashcroft is stepping down as Attorney General . . . but don't worry America. President Bush has already picked a new Attorney General . . . . (cut to a singing . . . ) Barry Manilow!
The Department of Justice --- Playing the soft hits of yesterday and today."

PIERCE BROSNAN: He's the former 007, you know. He made 4 James Bond movies and has called it quits. Rumor has it that Colin Farrell may be offered the roll, but perhaps he's too young. Who do I think would make a good 007? Hmmmm, how about . . . . . Viggo Mortensen? Who do you got?
Dave is very interested in Pierce's working with Salma Hayek in "After the Sunset," which opens Friday, specifically the kissing scenes. Pierce says there were times that a kissing scene would go on for quite a few takes. Dave sits up in his chair and asks with a bit too much urgency, "Well, what was that like?" I laughed.
Pierce has a clip of a joke played on him during the filming of "After the Sunset." Pierce explains a scene of him and Salma in bed together. Pierce gets off the phone then rolls over to start making out with Miss Hayek. This was about the 12th take or so. This time, though, it wasn't Salma Hayek in bed. Unbeknownst to Pierce, director Brett Ratner crawled into bed for this take instead of Salma. Pierce says it was not pretty. He has a clip of that incident. This was a lot funnier than I anticipated. The practical joke was pulled off quite well. Imagine turning in bed expecting to see Salma Hayek and you find yourself about to snuggle with Brett Ratner. Ewwwwww, coodies!

NIGELLA LAWSON: she writes about food, her cookbooks having sold over 2 million copies.
Her most recent is "Feast." Tonight she will be cooking a giant cod. The gutted cod sitting on the counter is 16 pounds and 40 inches long. Nigella does her best to prepare the cod, in spite of Dave's offering to help. Poor Dave had trouble with separating the egg whites from the yolk, took a short cut when grating the cheese, slipped his tie in the batter, and then dipped his tie into the burning fat. Dave admits that he is not very good at cooking but likes it as an activity. Oooh, I like that description. I think it aptly describes my feelings about cooking.
(Just a side note, I won the Betty Crocker Award my senior year in high school. I think I earned it because I really got in to cleaning up at the end of class.)
After some battering and dipping and frying, the meal is ready. Dave is a bit concerned that the fish is not fully cooked yet but Nigella assures him it is fine. Dave calls Paul over to sample it with him and they both bite into the cod piece. Mmmm. Delicious.

ACT 5: The phone is ringing and no one is picking up. This irks Mr. Kalter, and he lets it known. Finally, our wardrobe lady Susan Hum picks up the phone to stop that annoying ring. Alan is still reeling with anger.

RENEE FLEMING: One of the world's greatest sopranos, Renee performs from her most recent CD, "Handel," the song, "Lascia ch'io Pianga" – meaning "Let Me Lament."
Translated, from Handel's "Rinaldo."

LET ME LAMENT

Let me lament my cruel destiny
And yearn for liberty
And yearn, and yearn for liberty

May grief in its mercy
shatter the bonds of my torment
shatter the bonds of my torment

For those who may want to sing it at home:

Let The Eagles Soar
"Let the eagles soar,
Like she's never soared before.
From rocky coasts to golden shore
Let the mighty eagle soar.

Soar with healing in her wings,
As the land beneath her sings,
‘Only God, no other kings.'
This country's far too young to die.

We've still got a lot of climbing to do,
and we can make it if we try,
Built by toil and struggles
God has led us through."

So I'm walking to rehearsal. The Ed Sullivan Theater office building to the theater is about a 100 foot walk along 53rd Street. The second I stepped outside I felt a breeze where I shouldn't. I looked down and noticed my fly was open. I quickly zipped up. Many things went through my mind at that moment.
-how long was my zipper open?
-who saw and didn't mention it?
-when did I last go to the bathroom
-thank the Lord I didn't go Commando.
I scanned my brain and cringed when I realized I had not gone to the bathroom since the early morning and it was now 2:00 in the afternoon. I was somewhat relieved that I was wearing a long sweater and hoped that the opened zipper may have been covered at times. Later that day I noticed again some slippage in the zipper. This wasn't good. After the first incident, I was checking all the time. I had been sitting awhile and when I stood up, that's when I noticed it was halfway down again. I was sure I locked the zipper when I re-upped it earlier on the way to rehearsal, so now I began thinking it was a wardrobe malfunction. These were new pants, the relaxed fit, but never did I intend them to be this relaxed. If this continues, I'm afraid I'm going to be thought of as one of those old men suffering a "3/4-though-my-life" crisis where my hygiene and mental capacities come into question. I'll have to be more careful. I'm quite frugal when it comes to spending on clothes so I won't be throwing these pants away even though they may cause embarrassment. Instead, I'll just have to remember to wear an untucked buttoned flannel shirt with the pants from now on.

In celebration of U-Haul's 60th Anniversary, a story from Julie Morello of Madison, Wisconsin, a Kerry state.

My U-Haul Story By Julie Morello "Friends of mine were moving from Madison to the state of Washington. The day of the move, they went to pick up the U-Haul. No U-Haul...seems that when U-Haul reserves a U-Haul for you, they don't guarantee that it will have one. My friends had to drive all the way to the south side of Chicago to get a U-Haul of the same size (big, really big). The day of the move was more chaotic than it should have been. My friends were not good packers. Not a lot was done, and they had a pretty big house to move. The boys had been let in charge of their own rooms. Jake had only packed two boxes. I ended up packing up his room. Mark on the other hand, had over packed. The only thing that he did not pack were the clothes on his back. Some kids will do anything for a new wardrobe! My friends had been smart and hired 4 University of Wisconsin footfall players to haul the big stuff. (I think one of them was Ron Dayne, but I'm not quite sure of this.) When it came time to haul the big screen TV out of the Basement, across the back yard, down the side of the house and down the hill to the U-Haul, I never saw 4 men sweat so much! We finally got the U-Haul and 2 cars packed. My friends were all set to take off for the West. Only, who had the U-Haul keys? A few started opening and looking through boxes, but I knew it was looking for a needle in a haystack. My friends got smart and called a locksmith to cut a key. My friends finally took off for their new home, a day later than planned.
Post note: I heard that the U-haul got 2 flat tires on the way and that the canoe tied to the top blew off crossing a mountain in Montana. I heard that the lost key was found in a box unpacked a year later.
The move was really much worse than I could depict- too many words."