KNOW YOUR CURRENT EVENTS: It's America's Fastest Growing Quiz Sensation, it's Know Your Current Events.
Today's categories:
Know Your Current Events
Know Your Cuts of Meat
Know Your 2004 Presidential Election
Know Your Dunkin' Donuts Flavored Coffee
Know Your Candidates in Cheyenne, Wyoming's City Council Ward 1 Election
Know Your Exploding Pumpkin

CONTESTANT #1: Steven of Spanish Forks, Utah - he's a member of the Sheriff's department back home and he's here to run in Sunday's New York City Marathon. Dave asks, "As a sheriff, did you ever have to pistol-whip a punk?" Steven laughs, eventually saying he hasn't. (Not yet.) Steven wants to play Know Your Current Events, but Dave leans him towards a different category. Steven changes his mind and picks, "Know Your Exploding Pumpkin."
The category was inspired by our having a giant pumpkin out on 53rd Street which we are planning to explode later in the show.
QUESTION #1: How much does the giant exploding pumpkin weigh? Answer: 882 pounds.
QUESTION #2: According to New York City regulations, a giant pumpkin must be exploded by whom?
Answer: A bonded and licensed gourd demolition expert.

CONTESTANT #2: Michelle from Desoto, Kansas. She's a physical therapist. Michelle picks "Know Your Dunkin' Donuts Flavored Coffee."
QUESTION #1: What do choice coffee beans from South America make the Dunkin' Donuts French Vanilla?
Answer: Irresistibly smooth and deliciously satisfying.
QUESTION #2: When is it okay to freeze or refrigerate a bag of Dunkin' Donuts flavored coffee?
Answer: Never.

CONTESTANT #3: Vanessa from Portland, Maine. She's a real estate agent. Vanessa picks "Know Your 2004 Presidential Election."
QUESTION #1: Who oversaw the Presidential Election in Nevada? Answer: Secretary of State Dean Heller
QUESTION #2: Which state has more electoral votes: Colorado or Alabama? Answer: It's a trick question --- they both have nine.

And that was Know Your Current Events. I didn't see much of this as I was looking up information on Spanish Forks, Utah, and then later, to see if Maine is known as the Pine Tree State.

This is what I learned. I dumped out of looking for Spanish Forks when the Portland, Maine question came up.
Maine: The Pine Tree State - "Dirigo" (I direct) - I'm not sure what that means.
On the Maine license plate: "Vacationland"
The State Song of Maine is entitled, "State Song of Maine."
Portland, Maine is known as Hill City.

PUMPKIN INFO: Later in the show, we'll be blowing up a giant pumpkin. Pumpkin stats:
- 882 pounds
- 36 inches high
- 54 inches wide
- 48 inches deep
- it has a circumference of 156 inches. Paul guesses that to be about 12 feet. Not a bad guess, under the circumstances. Simple math - 144 inches is 12 feet. 12 more inches makes it 156, or 13 feet. It would be quicker if you could multiply 12 X 13 in your head, but my way is easier if you can't.

And we'll be blowing up the giant gourd using 25 feet of Deta Cord. Deta cord? Yes, it's a rope-like high explosive.

TOP TEN: Ways George W. Bush Celebrated His Reelection.
#8. Thanked voters from all 59 states.
#6. Pretended not to notice his father's envious weeping.
#1. Asked for Laura's help with a very different bulge under his suit.

ROSIE PEREZ: She's in the Broadway play, "Reckless." No, she's not on the cover of the Playbill. It's a picture of someone else. But she is in the play. Just not on the cover of the Playbill. Dave finds a photo of Rosie inside. Rosie explains why she's not on the cover. "I'm Pooty Poot Poota, the co-star."
Earlier today, Rosie personally groomed her dog, Sammy, a Sussex Spaniel. She did it herself because the dog had a habit of biting people. Rosie says he bit her ex-husband 8 times! She says he's a sweet dog, though, adding, "He likes to make out with me, but not in a bestiality way." Sammy likes to kiss and lick Rosie, not the big slobbering kind of kiss, but soft and slow on the lips. Rosie shows what she means. Mmmmmm. Dave explains, "Now we know why he was biting the ex."
Dave asks what kind of car Rosie is driving these days, and what kind of car she used to drive. Rosie knows what Dave is angling at. She knows Dave wants her to say, "A black Isuzu Trooper." She mentioned this car way back on July 28, 1994. The way she said was very funny. It sounded something like "A black Isoozoo Twoopa." I find myself saying still to this day.
What is Rosie Perez doing thi . . . . . HOLD IT! I just read something in Friday's Daily News. Oh no! Oh no. See below in the Wahoo Extra for what I just read.

With everything set, the pyrotechnic expert Drew Jiritano is excited for the big 'splosion. Last year we planned on blowing up a giant pumpkin on October 27th, but due to the rain, the fire department made up postpone the detonation to the next day. It rained tonight. Why didn't we have to postpone? I'm not 100% clear on this but last year we set the pumpkin on top of a metal manhole cover. The rain on the metal and the detonation sparked by electricity created a dangerous situation. This year we place the pumpkin on the road, away from the manhole cover. When it was explained to me, my mind sort of wandered after the manhole cover issue. It was good enough for me. Metal, water, and electricity is a dangerous mix.

After a quick Q & A between Drew and Dave, the scene is set. Drew ignites the Deta Cord and the pumpkin splatters to smithereens. If you blinked and missed it, no fear. We showed it again a number of times from a number of different angles.

ACT 5: It's the Exploding Pumpkin in reverse!

STEVEN WRIGHT: He's desert-like dry. Spoke about the Red Sox and their fans, comparing them to an Oliver Twist movie; his new hobby of painting; the election; and more. Silly and ridiculous, and I loved it. His delivery and humor have always appealed to me.

Before closing the show, Dave says out of the blue, "So I was angling to get an invite to the party and then she started mentioning all the people she was going with." Rosie Perez first said she was going alone, but she quickly detected Dave's angle and she then started with her list. Dave was disappointed. He felt he was shot down and it was obvious.

And that was our show for Thursday, November 4, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

Something odd, something sad, something a bit frightening. After the show on 53rd Street, a staffer saw an audience member pick up a piece of the exploded pumpkin and take a bite out of it. Please don't write in and tell me the huge gourd is a delicious dining experience. A hamburger is too but I'm not going to pick one up off the street and take a bite out of it.

STOP THE PRESSES!!!!!
Aye yi yi! Each day for the past 7 years I've been writing this Wahoo Gazette thing. The first half is clearly about the show. The 2nd half, the Wahoo Extra, is clearly about what is going on in my life. You all know that, right? It's fairly obvious, isn't it? Anyone who reads the Wahoo Gazette would know this. The first half: The Late Show. The 2nd half: ME! Why do I point this out?

From the October 8th Wahoo Gazette:

"It's time to cancel my Time Magazine subscription. Here's why. On the route of my evening commute home, Time Magazine erected a huge billboard. The billboard has a picture of George W. Bush and John Kerry. An outline of Time Magazine swings back and forth like a pendulum. It swings and stops at the 2:00 position, then swings down and back up to the 10:00 position. At the 2:00 position, Bush's face is seen within the Time Magazine outline. At the 10:00 position, the Time Magazine outline surrounds Kerry's face. So why am I canceling my Time Magazine subscription? Because every entertainment-starved commuter slows down to look at this blasted billboard. From 70th Street on the West Side Highway up to the billboard at 135th Street, the traffic crawls. This costs me at least 10 minutes a night. Sure, I should be angry at the commuters but there's no way to punish them. I can only blame the messenger, Time Magazine. So no more Time Magazine for me. Once past the billboard, traffic opens up and it's a fly to the George Washington Bridge. I think I know how Reagan felt when he cried out, 'Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.' I feel the same way about this billboard."

(The Wahoo Gazette is a family publication. To decipher 'djoy', simply look to the left of each letter in 'djoy' on your keyboard)

I read on and a cold sweat begins to form on my ample forehead. The more I read, the more I sweat. What in the article caused this reaction? First, re-read what I wrote in the October 8th Wahoo Gazette, my personal thoughts about my personal commute home. Now read the "Hot Copy" article by Paul D. Colford in Friday's New York Daily News.

Traffic jam wastes Letterman's time
David Letterman kept getting stuck in traffic, said he wasn't going to take it anymore and would cancel his subscription to Time. The "Late Show" host told his CBS audience this was payback for rubber-necking caused by the magazine's guessing-game billboard on the West Side Highway near 135th St. Every 'entertainment-starved commuter slows down to look at this blasted billboard,' slowing his nightly ride home to Westchester, he said. "I think I know how Reagan felt when he cried out, 'Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.'" On the billboard, a pendulum in the form of a Time cover swung back and forth, framing the face of President Bush on the left, and then the face of John Kerry on the right. But not anymore.
The pendulum was stopped - over the victorious Bush - when Kerry finally conceded on Wednesday.
Letterman had nothing to add yesterday, so it's unclear if he regained the 10 minutes he claimed to be losing on the ride home to his year-old son, Harry.
Time worldwide publisher Ed McCarrick said he didn't know if the late nighter really canceled a subscription, adding, "It would be foolish if he did, because we value Mr. Letterman as a subscriber."
McCarrick said he also drives past the billboard and has heard from friends in Connecticut "how smart they think it is."
The billboard is part of an outdoor campaign designed by ad agency Fallon NY."

Come to think of it, the headline should have read, "Traffic Jam Wastes McIntee's Time."

So I didn't see the above article until seconds before sending in Thursday's Wahoo Gazette to the online producers. Coincidentally, I had prepared an update about the billboard for today's edition. This is what was to appear.

"A few weeks ago I complained about a Time magazine billboard on the northbound West Side Highway. It's a shot of George W. Bush and John Kerry and there's a slowly swinging Time magazine hollow outline that sweeps and stops on Bush's face, then gradually sweeps down and around up to Kerry's face. It slowly swings back and forth like a pendulum. I've hated it since the first day I saw it because the supposed sophisticates who commute daily to New York City feel the need to slow down and ogle at the moving billboard. This causes the traffic to back up from 140th Street down to 70th on the highway and it costs me at least 10 minutes every night on my drive home. Since the election, the magazine outline has stopped swinging and it now rests over Bush's face signifying his victory. Now that the pendulum has stopped, has this eased up the traffic? No. The commuters continue to ogle. It still costs me 10 minutes a night with my family. To paraphrase former President Reagan, 'Mr. Redstone, tear down this billboard!' I'm begging you."

From the Monday, October 18, 2004 Wahoo Gazette:

"The flu shots are reminding me of Tickle Me Elmo. If no one said there was a shortage, nobody would be running out to get one."
So I'm watching Bill Maher's "Real Time" on the HBO last week. He's talking about the flu shot shortage. Bill says the demand for the flu shot has partly been created because of the overly-publicized shortage. People want it because it's hard to get. Bill Maher says "It's like Tickle Me Elmo."

Oh by the way, in the 1986 World Series the score was already tied when Boston's Bill Buckner allowed the ball to go through his legs, besides the fact that he should never have been playing firstbase in the 9th inning. My question on that play: am I the only person who believes the ball took a "dead bounce" just before it reached Buckner? I always see the ball not taking a true final bounce. I've never heard anyone mention that.

Friday's CBS Mailbag:
LETTER #1: From Matt Davis of Baltimore, Maryland: "Dear Dave, do you think Florida is going to screw things up again this November?"
LETTER #2: From Brad Jacobs of Royal Oak, Michigan: "Dave, do you think Martha Stewart will get out of jail early for good behavior?"
LETTER #3: From Joel McMurray of London, Ontario, Canada: "Dear Dave, Have you made any plans for the holidays yet?"
LETTER #4: From Corey Atcheson of Northwood, Iowa: "Do you rent Alan for parties?"

Friday's will it float item: a gallon of Karo's Dark Corn Syrup in a plastic jug. Discuss.

So will there be any fallout from the Daily News fiasco? Even though it's not my fault, I'm sort of hoping to be suspended for a month with pay.