Dave is excited of not only having Richard Gere on the show, but also a real live magician. Dave billboards the show with such enthusiasm, Paul exclaims, “I’m staying up for this one tonight!” Dave says the most common reaction to a card trick is usually, “Wha. . . huh . . . . whoa . . . . wha . . .” And for those who are unfamiliar with the ‘tricks’ of the trade of a magician, Dave explains you know when the trick is over when the magician wipes his hands and reveals he has nothing in them.

A MESSAGE FROM JOHN KERRY: “Well, guess what America? / I believe / the earth is flat.”

GEORGE W. BUSH SHOW-OFF: “So I’m having Kobe beef one night with Prime Minister Koizumi. . .”

CBS MAILBAG
LETTER #1: From Jenni Brinson of Chico, California
“Hi, Dave, Have you ever been to a reggae festival?”

He certainly has. On most weekends you can find Dave at a “Reggae Splashdown,” which reminds Dave that he saw a commercial the other day for a very odd music festival. Luckily, he had the TIVO on RECORD.

Announcer: “Hey, soft rock fans! Al-Qaeda is pleased to announce the 4th annual Jihadapollozza! November 12th you’ll want to be at Fallujah’s Qualcomm Arena for a line-up that includes noted terrorist Cat Stevens, chemical weapons expert Crystal Gale, germ warfare specialist Paul Anka, and Jihadapollozza will also make the triumphant return of Shi’ite guerrillas Hall and Oates.”
Shi’ite Hall and Oates singing: “Because your kiss your kiss is on my list. Because your kiss your kiss I can’t resist.”
Announcer: “Jihadapollozza – Be there! A Ron Delsener production.

That’s an excellent question for our head carpenter Harold Larkin. Cut to Harold back stage in his shop.

HAROLD: “Dave, I’d have to say my favorite tool is this durable and efficient Craftsman Electric Nail Gun. With the Craftsman Electric Nail Gun, I complete projects quicker than ever. But my favorite thing about the Craftsman Electric Nail Gun is it’s great for parties . . . . and screwing with interns.” Camera widens to show intern 3 feet off the ground nailed to a wall. Harold laughs.
HAROLD: “What do you think of this, college boy?”

Martha Stewart is going away to the old gray bar hotel this week. Dave doesn’t know quite what to say . . . “good luck”? Dave is confident that she’ll do just fine in prison. Take a look at this.

Announcer: “Martha’s about to go away for a while, and you won’t want to miss her very special farewell show!
(Photos of Martha in kitchen and at work place) Martha shares delicious recipes, elegant decorating ideas . . . . plus she unveils her beautiful prison tattoos! (photo of blonde woman with back-full of tattoos.)
It’s all happening on ‘Martha Stewart Living!’ Check your local listings.”

LETTER #4: From Kristin Antill of Aleppo, Pennsylvania:
“Who does your hair?”

Dave says it’s the same guy who did the hair in the Pete Rose movie. With that, Pete Rose enters from the blue doors, which are no longer blue nor are they doors.

Playing the part of Pete Rose is Emmy Award winning writer, the retired Gerard Mulligan.

PETE ROSE: “Did I hear my name?” (throwing money) “Put it on the Devil Rays! Put it all on the Devil Rays!”
DAVE: “Hello, Pete.”
PETE ROSE: “What up, bitch?”
DAVE: “I’m sorry?”
PETE ROSE: “You my bitch and everyone knows you my bitch!”
DAVE: “Okay. Now, Pete, the baseball playoffs are about to begin. Who do you like?”
PETE ROSE: “The Cardinals will be the Red Sox in a 7-game World Series. Game 7 will be a 5-3 victory with Matt Morris getting the win over Pedro Martinez. Jim Edmonds will be the World Series MVP.”
DAVE: “Wow, Pete. That’s a very detailed prediction.”
PETE ROSE: “Let’s just say I got some friends, bitch.”
(Shouting to Paul)
“Paul, help a brother out!”
(Paul begins playing House of Pain’s “Jump Around”)
“Jump around, jump around, jump up jump up and get down!”
DAVE: “Excuse me, Pete, what the hell was that?”
PETE ROSE: “That’s a little something called ‘working it,’ bitch.”
(to the audience)
“Are there any dawgs in the house?”
(Pete begins barking like a dog)
DAVE: “Now, Pete, tell me about this ESPN movie, ‘Hustle.’”
PETE ROSE: “It was so exciting getting to play myself in a movie.”
DAVE: “Wait, I thought Ted Sizmo . . . Tom Sizemore played you.”
PETE ROSE: “No. Tom had to bow out because he had some ‘problems with the script.’”
(Pete makes a drinking motion with his hand.)
“Anyway, I brought a clipo. This scene shows the big strip poker game I had the night I beat Ty Cobb’s sorry ass.”
(VT – we see Pete Rose in a t-shirt and boxer shorts at a poker table. Also at the table, 3 young gorgeous scantly clad ladies playing a game of strip poker.
Pete Rose: “Okay, what does everybody have?”
Woman: “Full house.”
Pete Rose: “I got nothing.” (coyly) “I guess I have to take something off.”
Pete Rose looks at each of the ladies. He then reaches to his head and pulls off his wig of hair. He is now totally bald.)
Back live to Dave.
DAVE: “Pete Rose, ladies and gentlemen.
PETE ROSE: (exiting) “$500 says Cat Stevens gets the chair!”

WILL IT FLOAT?: Item: a 30-pound box of golden raisins. – That’s easy! It floats!

TOP TEN: Highlights of Last Night’s Presidential Debate:
Before reading the top ten, Dave exclaims about the debate, “Boy! Did you see that guy sweat!”
#10. Bush tearing apart Kerry’s podium in a futile search for weapons of mass destruction.
#8. Moderator Jim Lehrer’s “girlfriend” who was obviously a hooker
#2. Whenever the proceedings lagged, Oprah came out to give away cars.

RICHARD GERE: Looks like Richard got a boo-boo. He’s got a cast on his left wrist, the result of a horse-riding accident. He went out riding the other day and his horse started bucking wildly for no apparent reason. Richard thinks it may have been because of a bee sting. Richard jumped off, landed hard, and broke his wrist. He may have lost consciousness for a moment.

Before going out on the ride alone, his wife asked, “Do you have your cell phone with you?” Richard, being a man, said, “Oh, I’ll be fine.” After coming-to following the fall, the first thing he thought was “I wish I had a cell phone with me.” Richard eventually made it back to the house on foot. To add to the story, Dave says he went out riding recently as well. Richard asks, “Oh, how’d you do?” I “Played the Dave” and blurted out, “Fine thanks, how are you?” Almost simultaneously, Dave responded to Richard’s “How’d you do?” with “Fine, thank you. How are you?” I don’t think I was the only one to win at “Played the Dave.” I have a feeling there were many out there who said the same.

Richard Gere stars along with Susan Sarandon and Jennifer Lopez in the October 15th release of his film, Shall We Dance.

ACT 5: And now it’s time to announce the winner of the “I Want To Work on the LATE SHOW Contest”
Once again we have received no entries in the “I Want To Work on the LATE SHOW Contest,” so we have no winner!
Keep on playing and maybe one day you will work for the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. Tell your friends.

JASON RANDAL: He’s a magician! He starts with a few card tricks, followed by a few coin tricks, and finishes with a few more card tricks. I used to love magic. Now it just makes me so angry. It defies logic and trying to figure out how it works only makes my brain tired. I know the trick is in ‘palming’ the card and/or coin and stuf . . . . . HOLD IT! WAIT A MINUTE! I GOT IT! Now that I think of it, not once did Jason Randal ever say, “Look, nothing up my sleeve.” THAT’S IT! Every magician is supposed to say that but Jason did not. He never said, “Look, nothing up my sleeve.” He had his magic cards and coins up his sleeve! That tricker!

And that was our show for Friday October 1, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

Someone said I don’t read enough. I told them I do enough reading watching CNN.

The animated Shark Tale opens this weekend. After reading the reviews in Friday’s paper, I had to wonder the economic sense of casting big stars like Jack Black, Robert DeNiro, Michael Imperioli, Will Smith, Ziggy Marley, Doug E. Doug, Angelina Jolie, Renee Zellweger, Katie Couric, and Martin Scorsese to do the voice of the animated characters? Is it wise, or are they paid scale (no pun intended)? That is 10 big names I listed above. Is it wise to hire so many big-dollar stars? Is it necessary, especially since you don’t even SEE them? And are these voices that recognizable that you would say, “Oh, that’s Ziggy Marley’s voice.” And how many kids could name any of the above?

Best regional or hometown product that the rest of the country is missing out on?

Al Alpert of Murrieta, California:

“I'm sure you'll get a ton of mail from California about In-'N-Out Burger. Best there ever was.”

”No doubt in my mind. The best regional product is Vernors ginger-ale. Aged 7 years in wood. Big around Detroit and we get it as far as London, Ontario. I often bring back a case to Montreal when I go back home to see my family.”

I am familiar with the In-‘N-Out Burger in California. It’s a “must” stop on the way home from the Emmy Awards to the airport every year for many LATE SHOW staffers. It is not an uncommon sight to see tuxedoed gents and gowned ladies chomping on an “In-‘N-Out” on a Sunday night in September. For those of us who don’t always go to the Awards show, the Monday morning watercooler conversation usually goes something like this:
- “How were the Emmy Awards?”
- “Great! We stopped at ‘In-‘N-Out Burger’ on the way back.”

And here’s something from Wednesday’s show, “HOW TELEVISION WILL BE DIFFERENT IN 2009.”
Number 2 was:
2. Baltimore's ABC affiliate will start airing "Jeopardy" after "Wheel of Fortune."

This item brought a response Jeff Hemelt of Baltimore, Maryland:

”HOW TELEVISION WILL BE DIFFERENT IN 2009
2. Baltimore's ABC affiliate will start airing ‘Jeopardy’ after ‘Wheel of Fortune.’
Actually, they (WMAR, Channel 2) did air ‘Wheel’ after ‘Jeopardy’ for the longest time after acquiring the shows, but in 1999, or thereabouts, for some reason unbeknownst to me, switched the order, and aired ‘Jeopardy’ before ‘Wheel’.

FUN WITH ARITHMETIC: Donald Trump has a new talking doll on the market. Pull the string and it says one of 17 Donald Trump-like phrases. 4 of those phrases include, “You’re fired.” The 17 phrases are in a cycle, meaning when you hear one certain phrase, you have to go through the entire 17 Donald Trump phrase lineup to hear it again. Here is the fun arithmetic problem: What are the odds that you will hear at least one “You’re Fired” with 2 pulls of the string?

PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE FUN FACT:
Kennedy/Nixon 1960 - The majority who watched the debate on television thought Kennedy won.
- The majority who listened to the debate on radio thought Nixon won.