COLD OPEN: A scene from CSI: NY. Gary Sinise as Detective Mac Taylor and Melina Kanakaredes as Stella Bonasera approach a dead body. Leaning over the victim, Kanakaredes says to Sinise, “Did you see Letterman last night?”
Sinise responds, “I spend all day looking at corpses. Why would I want to go home and look at another one?”

Dave takes a moment to enjoy his beverage and says, “I don’t believe there is a man, woman, or child today who doesn’t enjoy a tasty beverage.” He sips. He enjoys.

It’s a special night tonight at the LATE SHOW. All night long we have Nobel Prize winner Professor Robert Mundell reading from the Paris Hilton book, Confessions of an Heiress. Professor Mundell won the Nobel Prize in 1999 for Economics for his “analysis of monetary and fiscal policy under different exchange rate regimes and his analysis of optimum currency rates.”

PROFESSOR MUNDELL: “Chapter 5, page 93. Having a flight attendant spill something on you can totally ruin your flight. It’s like ‘Hello, I don’t want to fly five hours smelling like orange juice.’”

Dave is very pleased with the Professor’s read. “This is solid gold,” chimes Dave. Paul adds with a delightful laugh, “And he knows it.”

This is Professor Mundell’s 4th appearance on our show. He performed a top ten back in October of 2002, told “You Might Be A Redneck” jokes in March 2004, and told “Yo Mama” jokes in May 2004.

In 2003, he was named “a Companion of the Order of Canada,” Canada’s highest honor for lifetime achievement. He is also known as “the father of the Euro.”

This guy ain’t no slouch.

There is an interesting article by him at
http://www.canadianbusiness75.com/profile16.htm

STAR WARS: The highly anticipated DVD box set of the Star Wars trilogy was released this week. I know this movie was ground-breaking in 1977, but today the special effects don’t seem as impressive. Watch.

We see a scene from the 1977 Star Wars blockbuster. We see a station wagon with wings flying through space. It is being pursued by a flying monkey. The monkey shoots lasers from its eyes at the fleeing station wagon. Boy oh boy, does this film call for a “Pat Farmer Gaffe Alert” or what!?

An airplane was diverted yesterday after it was discovered Cat Stevens was on the passenger list. To explain the situation, the Department of Homeland Security released this public service announcement.

“United Airlines demanded Islamic fundamentalist and singer Cat Stevens be removed from a recent Washington-bound flight for being on a terror watch list. In related news, passengers demanded singer Huey Lewis be removed from a London-bound flight. The Department of Homeland Security. Working for you.”

PROFESSOR ROBERT MUNDELL: “Chapter 5, page 93. I’ve taken the subway in New York – and it smells. It literally smells like pee. Why can’t they do anything about that?”

BIFF AT THE CSI:NY PREMIERE: The Premiere was held right here Tuesday night at the Ed Sullivan Theater. Hundreds of important Hollywood types were here from all over the country to watch TV. Biff was there to greet and meet. Watching the piece, we should all now know how to pronounce Melina Kanakaredes. My favorite part about CSI:NY? Gary Sinise’s character is named “Detective Mac Taylor.” YEAH! Great detective name. . . . Mac Taylor.
CSI:NY – Wednesday nights at 10:00 on the CBS.

PROFESSOR ROBERT MUNDELL: “Chapter 11, page 172. I don’t have to clean up. If I did, I’d probably never do it. If you cooked and cleaned – and God forbid, had a job, too – you’d never have time for yourself.”

Back from commercial, we have another installment of 1999 Nobel Prize winner in Economics Professor Robert Mundell reading from Paris Hilton’s Confessions of an Heiress.

PROFESSOR ROBERT MUNDELL: “Chapter 3, page 38. “I was so embarrassed to be flat-chested that I wore padded bras until I was 17. Now I don’t care.”

TOP TEN: Ways CBS News Can Improve Its Reputation.
#8. Stop hiring guys with crazy names like “Morley”
#7. Can’t figure out if a news story is true? Let Judge Joe Brown decide.
#5. Newsroom patrolled by some kind of lovable but strict “truth monkey”
#4. If it turns out a story is wrong, give away 276 brand new cars.
#2. Newscast consists of Dan Rather sitting down to watch Tom Brokaw.

KELLY RIPA: She’s on the Live with Regis and Kelly show and the 2nd season of ABC’s Hope and Faith or Faith and Hope. When Dave and Paul were questioning the order of the title, I became concerned that I had typed it incorrectly. Which ever order it is supposed to be in, I kept putting it in reverse. I had to change it many times. I feared that I had not changed it on Dave’s card. A quick check and I found I had it right. Dave was only joking around. Kelly is busy busy busy raising her family and she has a birthday coming up. What does Kelly want to do on her birthday? Nothing. Wants to sit home and do nothing. Relax and do absolutely nothing.

ANNIE DUKE: She won the World Series of Poker Tournament of Champions seen on the ESPN Tuesday night. She picked up a sweet $2 million. Not bad. I used to play the penny Poker years ago with my friends. The losing hurt a whole lot more than the joy I gained from winning. When it comes to poker, I folded a long time ago.

PROFESSOR MUNDELL: “Chapter 4, page 86. I love vitamin water. I have cases in my house. I drink energy drinks and vitamin water all night. That’s how I manage to stay up late and never smudge my make-up or mess up my hair.”

ACT 5: This is a LATE SHOW Announcement! Blinking on-screen messages have been linked to seizures among TV viewers. Use extreme caution when watching televised announcements.
This has been a LATE SHOW Announcement.
Thanks for watching and drive safely.

ELVIS COSTELLO & THE IMPOSTERS: From their new CD, The Delivery Man, Elvis and the band performed “Monkey to Man.” Wow! Two nights in a row with good, rockin’ music. I’ll be giving a listen to “The Delivery Man” tonight on my ride home.
Elvis also has a CD entitled Il Sogno now in stores. He performs with the London Symphony Orchestra and Michael Tilson Thomas.

PROFESSOR MUNDELL: “Chapter 8, page 130. My friends keep telling me I don’t prefer one type of guy, and it’s true. I admit I like all kinds of guys, just like shoes.

And that was our show for Wednesday September 23, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

Hey hey hey! Three monkey mentions in tonight’s show. Elvis performed “Monkey to Man,” the Star Wars DVD contained a monkey shooting lasers, and one of the Top Ten items was #5. Newsroom patrolled by some kind of lovable but strict “Truth Monkey.”

Boy oh boy, that’s some mess at CBS News; forged documents, double-crossing, mistakes, denial, accusations. What a great story this would make on 60 Min . . . uhh, nevermind.

Did you hear about the free cars and Oprah? The $22,000 Pontiac G6’s come with a nifty little tax price. The free car will actually cost about $7,000. I thought that maybe Oprah should pay the tax on that, but then realized the new car owner would have to pay tax on the $7,000 gift tax. I guess she could pay THAT off as well, but then the new car owner would have to declare THAT gift as well and pay taxes on that. But then Oprah could . . . . oh the heck with it. This could go on to infinite.

CPA’s, mathematicians out there, here’s your assignment. I would do it but I’m too tired and gots too much to do. My question: How much would Oprah have to pay for one person to receive an absolutely totally free new car? We’ll start with $22,000 for the car. Reports on the tax for the $22,000 car is $7,000. If Oprah paid the $7,000 as well (now up to $29,000) how much more tax would have to be paid for the $7,000 gift? About $1,000? $2,000? And then how much tax on that, and then on that, and then on that till the tax is zero? You see, that’s why people cheat on their taxes. Doing it honestly is just too damn hard.

And now it’s time for another sign that I am getting old. I’m watching a stand-up comedian on the Comedy Central. He’s making jokes about attending a party and the inevitable question arises, “What do you want to do with the plastic forks? Keeping or throwing out?” He continued with the plastic forks, the routine which I found quite funny.

And now another sign that I am getting old: Years ago I found jokes about sex and drugs very funny. Now I find jokes about plastic forks and Morton salt to be funny.

Oh, and one more sign I’m getting old. All day today I’ve been referring to Thursday’s guest as Def Mos.

Ken Jennings of Jeopardy – Rumors persists that he’ll lose after winning 75 games in a row. He’s currently somewhere in the low 50’s. According to my calculations, his final show would be sometime in late October. My guess, or should I say ‘my suggestion,’ is for Jeopardy to throw in some “special” shows to interrupt the Ken Jennings progression; special shows like Teen Jeopardy or Jeopardy for Left-handers during the next few weeks. This way, the final Jennings show would air during the November sweeps.

I’m reading the USA Today last week. I had some free time, more than I knew what to do with, and I found myself perusing the “Lotteries Across the USA” section in the sports page. Why? I have no idea. I never gave the column more than a glance, but last week I was looking at some of the winning daily numbers throughout the country. I saw the winning midday 3 number in Illinois for September 9th was 4-1-2. The winning midday 4 number was 5-6-1-8. Then I scan down a little farther and see the winning midday number in Iowa for September 9th was also 4-1-2. And the winning midday 4 number was 5-6-1-8. Could it be possible that Illinois and Iowa had the same winning midday 3 and midday 4 on September 9th? Or was it a misprint? Or do Illinois and Iowa share the same lottery? So I went out and got the next day’s USA Today. To my surprise and to my disappointment, Illinois and Iowa had the same midday 3 daily number and 4. Dang. Who’s hopping on whose back? Is it the Illinois number and Iowa is horning in or is it the Iowa daily number and Illinois is feasting on their labor? And why can’t they each have their own number. I became bored while perusing the “Lottery Across the USA” and soon stopped my scan. Do other states share the daily number with other states as well?

Finally a reality show whose premise I like. “Cold Turkey”, asking the question “What would happen if you forced 10 heavy smokers, all in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, to reside under the same roof for 24 days.” (NY Post) You have to love the unreasonable irritableness. It’ll be fun to watch full-grown, able-bodied adults enslaved to the 4-inch tobacco-filled piece of paper. The ten-episode series premieres October 3rd on PAX. PAX? An idea this good and it’s put on PAX? I really don’t know television.

Hey! Looking for something to do next week? Check out the Fab Faux at the Bowery Ballroom, September 28, 29, and 30th. Our very own Will Lee is a member of the band which performs dead-on Beatle songs. Click on their website at www.thefabfaux.com for more information.