Dave has a lot of questions for Dr. Phil tonight. Now that Dave is a father, he actually listens to what Dr. Phil has to say. Dave's main concern is how to keep his little boy from growing up to becoming a brat. Right now Dave believes "early prison" is the right choice. We'll see later in the show if Dr. Phil agrees.

It's an exciting night here at the Late Show and to ensure nothing goes wrong, we have a guy who looks kinda like Dr. Phil backstage to fill in just in case of emergency. And also, a guy who looks sort of like Dave is standing by backstage as well. We see each standing at the ready.

NBC's new program about life in the Los Angeles airport entitled "LAX" has been receiving a lot of hype from the network. But Dave isn't sure it'll be a success. Even the promos seem to be lacking something. We have a clip. We see an airport baggage carousel going around and around. Nothing happens.

CBS NEWS PROMO: CBS has come under fire for using phony documents in a report about the President's military records. CBS has taken an odd position on this. Have you seen their new promo?

"Coming tonight on the CBS Evening News, another 30 minutes of total horse-'djoy.' That's tonight, only on the CBS Evening News."

GEORGE W. BUSH TERRORISM UPDATE: From a July 4th speech in Charleston, West Virginia:
"And that's why their actions have grown more cruel and sadt. . . . statis . . . . sadit . . . sadistic."

NEW FALL TELEVISION PROGRAMS - Dave has a list of some of the new shows that you will see this fall. Be sure to watch their premiere because I think a lot of these won't see Show #2.
"TRICK SHOT" - Former FBI sharpshooter Mack Kincaid goes undercover as a member of the Harlem Globetrotters to track a serial killer.
"KANGAROO COURT" - Judge Michael Connelly makes his rulings with the help of crucial legal advice that mysteriously appears each morning in the pouch of his pet kangaroo.
"BACKPEDAL" - A New York City bicycle messenger is struck by lightning and gains the ability to travel back in time by pedaling in reverse.
"KATZ AND DOGS" - When mild-mannered Rabbi Herschel Katz inherits New Jersey's largest dog track, little does he know that he'll learn as much from the gruff staff as they learn from him. Ron Silver stars in ABC's edgy new drama, "Katz and Dogs."
"ON THE SPOT" - An angelic drycleaner travels form town to town helping people solve their problems while removing stubborn stains from their clothing.
"ME AND MR. DEWEY" - A small-town librarian tracks down mis-shelved books with help form the ghost of the inventor of the Dewey Decimal System.
"STEAKOUT" - By day, Tex Holliman is Houston's finest butcher. By night, he's a private investigator working with the USDA to prevent corruption in the meat industry.
"AMERICA'S HOTTEST" - Reality show in which people suffering from various infections compete to have the highest fever.

I submitted one. It got a laugh and was told, "That's funny, that's really funny." I don't know, I thought that was the idea.
My submission:
"DR. VEGAS" - An unconventional physician takes a gamble when he leaves behind the world of emergency medicine to become the in-house doctor at a high-end casino in Las Vegas. Joey Pantoliano stars as the hotel general manager.

I think it fits in with the above perfectly.

By now you all know that Oprah gave away over 270 new automobiles to her adoring studio audience last week. Well, we would like to do the same, but we can't. Instead, we have 461 new automobile air fresheners for everyone in the audience. Dave calls for the freebies and the CBS Pages charge out to disperse the goodies. Dave has said it before and never was it more true tonight: We have the best smelling studio audience in the business.

How can Oprah afford to give away so many cars? Because she owns the local Tune-Up Master. When you car eventually runs into problems, you have to take your free car to Tune-Up Masters. That's where she gets you.

DR. PHIL: He's Dr. Phil. He's got a very successful daytime talk show. He has a new book, soon-to-be a bestseller if not already there, entitled "Family First," and Wednesday night he has a two-hour special on CBS called, "A Dr. Phil Primetime Special: Family First." How will Dr. Phil fill two hours of primetime network time? Listening to him tonight, I don't think he'll have a problem

Dave has lots of questions when it comes to raising a child. He's concerned about outside influences, television, cell phones, and their diet. Dave complains that kids are eating nothing but Yoo-Hoo for dinner and it hops 'em up. As Dave continues to air his concerns, Dr. Phil interrupts; 'Yoo-Hoo?' Dave stops cold, "Yeah, Yoo-Hoo. You've never heard of Yoo-Hoo?" Dr. Phil has never heard of Yoo-Hoo. Dave quickly explains the beverage and continues with what's on his mind. Meanwhile, a scramble backstage is taking place as he put an urgent call out to the prop department to get some bottles of Yoo-Hoo.

To assist Dave in the raising of his child, Dr. Phil placed post-it notes in his book to highlight some of the pages that he feels Dave could use. Dr. Phil reveals his book, "Family First," with hundreds of post-its sticking out from the sides. I think Dr. Phil sees Dave as a fulltime project. There's still a lot more to talk about as Dave throws to commercial.

Our commercial breaks during the taping of our show last as long as the commercial break you see at home. In theory, the breaks during the taping could last as long as we want, simply timing the breaks after the show in the edit room to fit the format for television. Recently, though, Dave has decided to come back from commercial in 30 seconds or so if he goes two segments with a guest. This makes sense in that it keeps the show moving and connected for Dave and the guest, as well as for the studio audience. We realized this backstage and knew our time to get the Yoo-Hoo would be shorter than we are usually accustomed. One call was made to the props room. Our Tommy O'Brien made a dash down the street for some Yoo-Hoo. The guy who kind of looks like Dave backstage from the ACT 1, a Late Show/CBS staffer, says he has some in his office. By the time he told us, we didn't think we could get it in time. Then he said he believes George Clarke has some in his office not too far from the control room. I make a dash to George's office to steal some Yoo-Hoo. On my way, I run into Tommy O'Brien who is toting 3 bottles of the chocolate energy drink. I tell him to run, run like the wind, and get the Yoo-Hoo up to stage. Tommy curses me under his breath and continues on his way, as he was already running like the wind and didn't need my "suggestion." With seconds to spare, the Yoo-Hoo gets to Dave just before we come back from commercial.

Back from commercial, Dave places a bottle of the delicious chocolate energy drink Yoo-Hoo on the desk and pours a glass for each. Dave and Dr. Phil enjoy.

"Yoo-Hoo: Taste! It's Great!"

Dave continues with his concerns of too much TV for kids, not only the electronic vibrations and lasers from the tube but the content, plus the video games. Dr. Phil suggests to just turn it off. Dave agrees to a point but is afraid that by doing that you would isolate your child from a common thread among his peers. Dr. Phil laughs, then realizes that Dave is asking a very good question. "That's a good question!" he praises Dave. Dave answers in somewhat disbelief, advising the doctor, "I'm not a temp!" What did Dr. Phil expect? Dr. Phil laughs some more and says "I realize that. You were here the last time I was on the show." Dr. Phil is impressed with Dave's concern about family matters. Dave admits that before little Harry came along he didn't give a crap about any of this.

Dave wants to talk about cell phones and how that too is ruining our kids, not only because of its effect on the brain but because talking on a cell phone sounds like you're in a submarine on fire. The cavernous audio on the cell phones cause you to miss the little nuances of language which are so important in picking up the emotional content of the message. Kids are becoming sullen, withdrawn, rude, insular. Dr. Phil says, "And what about e-mail." A stunned Dave says, "But we're not talking about that." It brings Dr. Phil back to the point of Dave's topic. Dr. Phil simply tells Dave he needs to read the book.
And what do you do when your child throws a tantrum at the supermarket? Dave says with confidence, "You pick him up and drag his ass out of there." The audience applauds the correct answer. Dr. Phil puts in daytime talk show language: You look him in the eye, tell him 'NO', and remove him from the situation.
Eye contact, NO, remove him from the situation. That's easy. I wish all parents knew this. If kids can learn, "Stop, Drop, and Roll," parents should be able to learn Eye Contact, No, Remove.

I like Dr. Phil. On Fridays here at work we don't have a taping of the show, so the TV in my office is on throughout the day playing in the background. The mornings are entertaining: Regis, Ellen, maybe a little Danza or The View, Jane Pauley, the News, Millionaire . . . . then there is an entertainment gap. Nothing seems to satisfy me until Dr. Phil at 3:00 PM. I need something to carry me over from Millionaire to Dr. Phil, sort of like a middle reliever in baseball. I need someone for the 6th and 7th inning. Dr. Phil is the highlight of the day. I look forward to him all day. No, not because he is so good, but because it's 3:00 and it means it's almost time to go home.

Before introducing Gary Sinise, Dave wonders about Dr. Phil, "How good a doctor can he be if he never heard of Yoo-Hoo?"

GARY SINISE: He stars as Detective Mac Taylor, a forensics detective with the NYPD. It's up against the mighty NBC "Law and Order" and the Tiffany Network has high hopes for the program, solidifying the Wednesday night line up. Gary says that all the CSI programs are shot in Los Angeles, not actually Miami or New York. A surprised Dave asks, "What? And who's going to investigate that crime?"

Dave suggests a story idea for the CSI: NY program. First, get the Late Show Ed Sullivan marquee in a shot. That's all. The rest they can make up. But if they are still looking for suggestions Dave mentions that perhaps one of his audience members waiting on line to get in to the show gets stabbed to death. Sounds like a winner to me. Gary politely pretends that it sounds like a winner to him too.

Dave asks Gary about his entertaining the troops. Gary's been involved since we started sending troops to the Middle East soon after 9/11. He felt the need to do something and then acted on it by calling the USO to see what he could do. He's since traveled to Kuwait, Afghanistan, and Iraq on a number of occasions. Gary is still remembered as Lieutenant Dan, his character in "Forrest Gump." Even 4th grade children in Baghdad know him as this. And from his time spent in Iraq, he has seen the great needs of the school children for simple everyday school supplies. Gary has since created an organization to help meet these needs called "Operation Iraqi Children." It sounds like a marvelous idea. For more information, check out the website at www.operationiraqichildren.org. Sinise started the organization along with Laura Hillenbrand, the author of "Seabiscuit." What a great thing. Gary has zoomed up to near the top of my very short list of actors I admire.

Not only does Gary has the big CSI:NY thing going on, but this Friday opens his film, "The Forgotten" with Julianne Moore.

And now a something you'll learn only from reading the Wahoo Gazette: There was a big CSI: NY premiere Tuesday night and the showing was held right here in the Ed Sullivan Theater. Big CBS Hollywood stars and New York celebrities attended. And I wonder if you were able to notice: Our Tuesday show was taped Monday night following our Monday show. That's right. Monday was a double-header. Due to scheduling problems, Dr. Phil or Gary Sinise couldn't make a Tuesday night taping so we decided to pull a double on Monday. Which one couldn't make it, Gary or Dr. Phil? I don't know. I could easily find out but it really doesn't register on my concern-meter. Two shows on Monday is all I need to know. I really don't care about the "why."

ACT 5: Alan Kalter's "What I'm Reading."
What am I reading this month? It's 'Diagnosis and Management of Male Sexual Dysfunction' by John J. Mulchay.
Big Red says, "Go get 'Diagnosis and Management of Male Sexual Dysfunction.' It's a life saver!
This has been Alan Kalter's 'What I'm Reading."

And that was our show for Tuesday, September 21, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

Speaking of new fall programs, which do you think will be the first new fall program to be canceled on ABC, NBC, or CBS? Let me know.

Last Friday I was putting something together in case we did "More with Les" on Monday's show. In "More with Les," Dave has in mind what he wants to get across but I sometimes cull pertinent and current CBS/Les topics which I feel Dave might like to refer to during the phone conversation. One thing I prepared was a list of 6 new characters on CBS programs premiering this fall, leaving the actor playing that character blank. My idea was to have Dave give the character name and Les would have to give the name of the actor playing that character. For example, Dave would say "Tony Kleinman." Les would have to then say the actor who plays Tony Kleinman, which is Jason Alexander in "Listen Up." As a joke I included the character name "Skeeter Malone." When Les drew a blank on the name, Dave would explain that "Skeeter Malone" is the name he is going to use this fall season, i.e. "Late Show with Skeeter Malone." Why "Skeeter Malone"? No reason, I just liked how it sounded. So then the next day on Saturday I see in the newspaper a guy named Malone is involved in a grisly murder here in the city. I make a note to change Dave's alias, dropping the Malone. After some thought, I decide on "Skeeter Yates." The more I say it, the more I like it. Skeeter Yates. I'm satisfied with "Skeeter Yates." Monday I arrive at work and open the newspaper. I see that long-time country music singer Skeeter Davis had just passed away at the age of 73. What are the odds of this? First Malone, then Skeeter. I decide the Gods are trying to tell me something. I drop the whole thing. We don't do "More with Les" either.

Ken Jennings of "Jeopardy" - Rumors persist that he'll lose after winning 75 games in a row. He's currently somewhere in the high 40's, low 50's. According to my calculations, his final show would be sometime in late October. My guess, or should I say 'my suggestion,' is for Jeopardy to throw in some "special" shows to interrupt the Ken Jennings progression; special shows like Teen Jeopardy or Jeopardy for Left-handers, during the next few weeks. This way, the final Jennings show would air during the November sweeps.

Yesterday I asked, "Does anybody know what I mean when I say, 'Can I have the blimp ride instead?' It's one of those lines I throw out every now and then purely for my own enjoyment. I don't expect anyone to get it. Do you? Do you get the reference of 'Can I have the blimp ride instead?' Where have you heard that before?"

I received a handful of responses. I was surprised to learn that I am not the only one who remembers "Can I have the blimp ride instead?"

From Brendan Joyce of Laguna Niguel, California:

RE: "MAY I HAVE THE BLIMP RIDE INSTEAD?" "Although I'm approaching 33, I believe my memory tells me this phrase is from the 'Tonight Show' with Johnny Carson. When Johnny used to play 'Stump the Band' with the audience, one of the prizes was a ride AND dinner on the Goodyear Blimp. I think he would only give one of these prizes out during every 'Stump the Band'. Inevitably, one of the contestants, when offered an alternate prize (dinner at the Brown Derby, etc.) would ask 'May I have the blimp ride instead?'"

"'Can I have the blimp ride instead?' is a line from an old Elvis song that Barbara Walters used to quote when she originated the bit that has been copied by Steve Allen, Jack Paar and apparently many others."

"Is the 'blimp ride' line from Carson? I seem to recall someone asking for that as a prize instead of a dinner certificate during 'Stump the Band.'"

"Blimp thingie: from The Bachelorette?"

"That "blimp ride" thing? am I crazy or does Homer S. ask that when faced with the choice of a ride on the Duff Deer blimp or earning (winning back?) Lisa's respect (or is it love?) I recollect that H. sells the blimp ticket to Barney in a very special 'Blossom'-like story resolution. It seems every third episode Lisa is insulted/outraged by H's baboon-ousity so it's pretty hard for me to keep track of the Lisa stories. Anyway, the blimp allusion is haunting my waking moments and I may dream of the Hindenburg tonight.

"Can I have the blimp ride instead? From the Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson...usually during stump the band, when the audience member was offered a fine dinner for their appearance at The Brown Derby or wherever, said person would frequently ask..."

"Does anybody know what I mean when I say, 'Can I have the blimp ride instead?' Yep. 'It's one of those lines I throw out every now and then purely for my own enjoyment. I don't expect anyone to get it. Do you?' Yep. 'Do you get the reference of 'Can I have the blimp ride instead?' Yep. 'Where have you heard that before?' Answer: The Tonight Show. I clearly remember at least one time: Johnny went out to the audience to do 'Stump the Band' (did they steal that from you guys?), and one guy - after stumping the band as required - asked for the complimentary blimp ride (on the Goodyear Blimp based in Carson, CA)instead of one of the gift certificates to an LA restaurant."

"'Can I have the blimp ride instead?' Isn't that from Big Brother 4?" Of course, the right answer is "The Tonight Show" with Johnny Carson. When offered the free dinner for playing Stump the Band, it seemed at least one audience member a night would ask, 'Can I have the blimp ride instead.'" It probably didn't happen nearly as often as I think, though. I find myself using the line to this day when given something I don't really care for, such as, "More meatloaf?"