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			Friday, October 22, 2004 Show #2260
			By Michael Z. McIntee	Change Text Color: Black \| White


	New Halloween Costumes; Amy Sedaris; and Tommy Lee. PLUS: Martha Stewart in prison; Will It Float; a Top Ten list; and New Halloween Costumes Let’s go back to my house and see what the trick-or-treaters are wearing... NEW HALLOWEEN COSTUMES 1. Here’s one that is sure to scare everyone. It’s a Tangled Phone Cord. (Treat – attic insulation) 2. Republicans and Democrats will all agree this costume is a winner. It’s Controversial Filmmaker Michael Moore. (Treat – Season 4 of Sanford and Son on DVD) 3. Possibly the scariest costume this season. It’s Donald Trump’s Hair. (Treat – duck sauce packets from a Chinese restaurant) 4. A fun way to make the nation more safe is now a way to make Halloween more fun. It’s an Airport Security Conveyor Belt Tub. (Treat – photo of presidential candidate moderator Jim Lehrer) 5. We’ve all seen these before. It’s a Photo Hanging in a Local Diner. This one is of Carol Channing. (Treat – silicone grout sealer) 6. It’s unlike any other costume and it’s unlike any other razor. It’s the Schick Quattro. (Treat – Dr. Scholl’s massaging gel insoles.) 7. This one is particularly chilling. It’s Courtney Love. (Treat – car floor mats) 8. It’s eerie. It’s frightening. It’s One of Billy Joel’s Wrecked Cars.” (Treat – scoops of cole slaw.) 9. Kids and optometrists love this costume – it’s a phoropter. (Treat – a Nader/Camejo 2004 t-shirt) If you listened closely, when the little boy in the Photo Hanging in a Local Diner costume walked off, he said to Dave, “You want a piece of me?” Let’s check in on Martha Stewart. The poor dear has been incarcerated at the Alderson Federal Prison in Alderson, West Virginia for 15 days now. Via our expensive satellite hook-up, we check in on Martha to see how she’s doing. Uh oh. It looks like it’s not a good time. There appears to be fisticuffs going on. Maybe we’ll check in at another time. WILL IT FLOAT? Tonight’s item – A Pumpkin Pie – The Will It Float girls drop the pie into the tank and it . . . . . floats . . . . and then sinks! First it looked like it was going to float, and then to the surprise of us all, it sank. It was like the Red Sox/Yankee series! TOP TEN: Signs You’re at a Lame Halloween Party #9. “Bobbing for Apples” inadvertently becomes “Bobbing for Fat Kid’s Retainer.” #7. All the decorations read, “Happy Chanukah” #3. Someone says, “Hey, great Mickey Rooney mask!” but you’re not wearing a costume. AMY SEDARIS: Amy is excited to be here the same night as Tommy Lee. She read his first book, The Dirt: The Autobiography of Motley Crue and it was filthy. FIL-THY. “And it’s even dirtier the second time you read it.” Amy recently went for some dental surgery. Leading into her story, she says to Dave, “I went for some dental surgery recently. Have you ever had dental surgery? Oh, of course you have.” Amy had an infected root canal and had major surgery in there, followed up with a plastic surgeon. She says everything is fine “and now I have the mouth of a 20-year-old.” Last week, Amy went to a rabbit conference here in the city. Amy says you meet some very interesting people at a rabbit conference, especially the men. What kind of man goes to a rabbit conference? Of course, Amy was kidding about there being a conference about rabbits, wasn’t she? Nope, she wasn’t. Check it out. http://www.rabbitcare.org/conference.html Amy is looking forward to Halloween, recalling her days of youth where she started a business of getting rid of the neighbor’s pumpkins for 25 cents. She would collect the quarter then simply smash the pumpkin on the street. Sounds like how baggage handlers got their start. Our friend the building engineer, George Clarke has a special announcement to make. GEORGE: “Dave, I just wanted to remind everyone that this weekend Daylight Saving Time ends, so you should set your clocks back . . . DAVE: “Excuse me, George. Daylight Saving Time ends next weekend.” GEORGE: Oh. (pause) DAVE: “Do you have anything else?” GEORGE: “I could drink some chocolate syrup.” DAVE: “Let’s see it.” (George holds up a bottle of Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup and begins to guzzle the chocolate ooze.) DAVE: “George Clarke, ladies and gentlemen.” ACT 5: “Were you an overweight geek whose looks are now at their peak? If so, you can be a guest on ‘The Ricki Lake Show!’ Simply send before-and-after photos of yourself to: I Was An Overweight Geek Whose Looks Are Now At Their Peak c/o The Ricki Lake Show 226 West 26th Street, 4th floor New York, New York 10001 TOMMY LEE: He’s the drummer and a founding member of Motley Crue and he recently published this book, entitled Tommy Land. Tommy Lee walks out dressed in a black tank top, black floppy hat, and is heavily tattooed. Dave says, “You and I are two different kind of guys. There seems to be little disputing this from anyone. Tommy Lee skipped out of high school two months before graduating. This, of course, did not please his parents. It was tough starting out having no money at all. He and the band would date girls with money just so they could eat. He’s currently involved with a reality show with the premise, “The Rock star goes to college.” Tommy Lee is enrolled at the University of Nebraska at Lincoln, Nebraska. He’s taking a full course load and he had to audition for the marching band. He said that was surprisingly difficult but he was just informed that he made the team. Last Saturday he marched at halftime of the Nebraska/Baylor game. Hmm, boy. I need to write to CBS about a possible new show – “The Production Coordinator Goes Back To College.” I got just the guy. How does Tommy Lee like attending The University of Nebraska Cornhuskers? “Everything’s red.” Tommy’s autobiographical book, Tommy Land, starts out in a rather odd way. It’s Tommy talking to his penis. I can understand this. From what I’ve heard, Tommy’s penis isn’t the least bit shy. And now that Tommy’s kids are getting older, how will he explain those videotapes of him and Pamela Anderson? Tommy admits that it will be tough to explain it to the kids. Dave waves it off, saying “Oh, just let your penis do the talking.” And that was our show for Friday October 22, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA! Hey, here’s something I noticed that few others did. Tonight we had Tommy Lee on the same show as New Halloween Costumes. Last year on the New Halloween Costume show we had Pamela Anderson. Yup. Pamela Lee last year. Tommy Lee this year. How did I remember this? Last year my girls were part of the New Halloween Costumes show. After their appearance, they watched the rest of the show from the trailers outside. They squealed with glee when they saw a clip from Pamela’s film Scary Movie 3 where she received, or administered, an “atomic wedgie.” Since then they have watched that LATE SHOW episode many time, fast-forwarding past the New Halloween Costumes and stopping at the atomic wedgie. It doesn’t get better than this for the Boston Red Sox fans, the morning of Game 1 of the World Series (Saturday). After today, it’s a week of stomach-churning angst. Enjoy your Saturday of carefree glee. Much is talked about the hatred between the Red Sox and Yankees. I can understand why the Red Sox and their fans would hate the Yankees. We always beat them. I could never understand why the Yankees and their fans would hate the Red Sox. What have they ever done to us? I’ve said it before that I enjoy beating the Red Sox more than any other team, but as soon as the Yankees are out of it, I’ll be rooting for the Red Sox. They have great tradition, a great stadium, great fans, a great city, great uniforms . . . what’s not to like? And another thing, the great grandfathers of every Yankee fan could have just as easily immigrated to Boston instead of New York City back in the late 1890’s. Any Yankee fan could have been born a Red Sox fan and vice versa. Yankee and Red Sox fans, we are the same, but only different. Boston fans, I don’t know if you want my support, but I’ll be pulling for the Beantown Bombers this week. I’m sorry, I have a feeling you don’t like to be called the Beantown Bombers. I guess it’s the New Yorker coming out in me. Hey! Don’t blame me. Blame my great grandfather. It’s a working dark week next week, meaning no new LATE SHOWs but we will be coming to work. In the upcoming week of election coverage, I’ll be ignoring all the political pundits except one: Pat Caddell. I first experienced him 4 years ago in the wee hours of election night. He was the only one who was able to cut through all the garbage and explain what was going in a lucid and understandable manner. And you know he must be good because he doesn’t have a face for television. RED SOX/CARDINAL WORLD SERIES: 1946 http://www.historicbaseball.com/wseries/ws_1946.html “This series featured a matchup of league stars -- Boston's Ted Williams and St. Louis' Stan Musial. The two stars, however, weren't the stars of the series. Williams hit just .200 and Musial hit .222. The Cardinals made use of the “Williams Shift” and continued to frustrate the Boston hitter. Harry Brecheen was the star for the Cards. He allowed a single run to Boston in 20 innings and became the last left-hander in the National League to win 3 World Series games. It had been the shortage of players during the war years that had actually given Brecheen a shot at the majors. The Cards' Enos Slaughter scored the wining run in Game 7 from first on a single by Harry Walker.” HEY, I GOT A JOKE FOR YA! It’s a new feature to make my job easier. It’s something I call “Hey, I Got A Joke For Ya!” Do you have a topical joke that you would tell if you had a late night talk show? If so, send it in! From Mark Smith of Baldwin, New York: No, but seriously folks . . . “It was announced that the next Godzilla movie, ‘Godzilla Final Wars ‘, will be the last one for the monster. But producers also announced that Conan O'Brien will take over destroying Tokyo beginning in 2009.” “Experts are differing on who will win the World Series. The odds-makers favor the Cardinals. ESPN thinks it will be the Red Sox. And Dan Rather is already reporting a Tampa Bay Devil Rays sweep.” “On the Presidential campaign trail, candidates are resorting to scare tactics. John Kerry is predicting further increases in gas prices if Bush is re-elected. And Bush has hinted that if Kerry is elected, ketchup prices will rise to over $50 per barrel.” I hope there is someone keeping a list of the politicians who received a flu shot this week. I am very curious to know. Next week the LATE SHOW will be featuring previously-viewed programs: MONDAY OCTOBER 25: From September 21, 2004; Show #2237 Dr. Phil and Gary Sinise. TUESDAY OCTOBER 26: From September 22, 2004; Show #2238 Kelly Ripa; Annie Duke; Elvis Costello; and a Nobel Prize winner reading from the Paris Hilton book. WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 27: From September 10, 2004; Show #2235 Drew Barrymore and Aron Ralston. THURSDAY OCTOBER 28: From September 29, 2004; Show #2243 Joaquin Phoenix; Austin Stevens; and Switchfoot. FRIDAY OCTOBER 29: From October 1, 2004; Show #2245 Richard Gere and magician Jason Randall, plus the CBS Mailbag with Gerry Mulligan at Pete Rose. Talk to you in a week. New Halloween Costumes; Amy Sedaris; and Tommy Lee. PLUS: Martha Stewart in prison; Will It Float; a Top Ten list; and New Halloween Costumes Let’s go back to my house and see what the trick-or-treaters are wearing... NEW HALLOWEEN COSTUMES 1. Here’s one that is sure to scare everyone. It’s a Tangled Phone Cord. (Treat – attic insulation) 2. Republicans and Democrats will all agree this costume is a winner. It’s Controversial Filmmaker Michael Moore. (Treat – Season 4 of Sanford and Son on DVD) 3. Possibly the scariest costume this season. It’s Donald Trump’s Hair. (Treat – duck sauce packets from a Chinese restaurant) 4. A fun way to make the nation more safe is now a way to make Halloween more fun. It’s an Airport Security Conveyor Belt Tub. (Treat – photo of presidential candidate moderator Jim Lehrer) 5. We’ve all seen these before. It’s a Photo Hanging in a Local Diner. This one is of Carol Channing. (Treat – silicone grout sealer) 6. It’s unlike any other costume and it’s unlike any other razor. It’s the Schick Quattro. (Treat – Dr. Scholl’s massaging gel insoles.) 7. This one is particularly chilling. It’s Courtney Love. (Treat – car floor mats) 8. It’s eerie. It’s frightening. It’s One of Billy Joel’s Wrecked Cars.” (Treat – scoops of cole slaw.) 9. Kids and optometrists love this costume – it’s a phoropter. (Treat – a Nader/Camejo 2004 t-shirt) If you listened closely, when the little boy in the Photo Hanging in a Local Diner costume walked off, he said to Dave, “You want a piece of me?” Let’s check in on Martha Stewart. The poor dear has been incarcerated at the Alderson Federal Prison in Alderson, West Virginia for 15 days now. Via our expensive satellite hook-up, we check in on Martha to see how she’s doing. Uh oh. It looks like it’s not a good time. There appears to be fisticuffs going on. Maybe we’ll check in at another time. WILL IT FLOAT? Tonight’s item – A Pumpkin Pie – The Will It Float girls drop the pie into the tank and it . . . . . floats . . . . and then sinks! First it looked like it was going to float, and then to the surprise of us all, it sank. It was like the Red Sox/Yankee series! TOP TEN: Signs You’re at a Lame Halloween Party #9. “Bobbing for Apples” inadvertently becomes “Bobbing for Fat Kid’s Retainer.” #7. All the decorations read, “Happy Chanukah” #3. Someone says, “Hey, great Mickey Rooney mask!” but you’re not wearing a costume. AMY SEDARIS: Amy is excited to be here the same night as Tommy Lee. She read his first book, The Dirt: The Autobiography of Motley Crue and it was filthy. FIL-THY. “And it’s even dirtier the second time you read it.” Amy recently went for some dental surgery. Leading into her story, she says to Dave, “I went for some dental surgery recently. Have you ever had dental surgery? Oh, of course you have.” Amy had an infected root canal and had major surgery in there, followed up with a plastic surgeon. She says everything is fine “and now I have the mouth of a 20-year-old.” Last week, Amy went to a rabbit conference here in the city. Amy says you meet some very interesting people at a rabbit conference, especially the men. What kind of man goes to a rabbit conference? Of course, Amy was kidding about there being a conference about rabbits, wasn’t she? Nope, she wasn’t. Check it out. http://www.rabbitcare.org/conference.html Amy is looking forward to Halloween, recalling her days of youth where she started a business of getting rid of the neighbor’s pumpkins for 25 cents. She would collect the quarter then simply smash the pumpkin on the street. Sounds like how baggage handlers got their start. Our friend the building engineer, George Clarke has a special announcement to make. GEORGE: “Dave, I just wanted to remind everyone that this weekend Daylight Saving Time ends, so you should set your clocks back . . . DAVE: “Excuse me, George. Daylight Saving Time ends next weekend.” GEORGE: Oh. (pause) DAVE: “Do you have anything else?” GEORGE: “I could drink some chocolate syrup.” DAVE: “Let’s see it.” (George holds up a bottle of Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup and begins to guzzle the chocolate ooze.) DAVE: “George Clarke, ladies and gentlemen.” ACT 5: “Were you an overweight geek whose looks are now at their peak? If so, you can be a guest on ‘The Ricki Lake Show!’ Simply send before-and-after photos of yourself to: I Was An Overweight Geek Whose Looks Are Now At Their Peak c/o The Ricki Lake Show 226 West 26th Street, 4th floor New York, New York 10001 TOMMY LEE: He’s the drummer and a founding member of Motley Crue and he recently published this book, entitled Tommy Land. Tommy Lee walks out dressed in a black tank top, black floppy hat, and is heavily tattooed. Dave says, “You and I are two different kind of guys. There seems to be little disputing this from anyone. Tommy Lee skipped out of high school two months before graduating. This, of course, did not please his parents. It was tough starting out having no money at all. He and the band would date girls with money just so they could eat. He’s currently involved with a reality show with the premise, “The Rock star goes to college.” Tommy Lee is enrolled at the University of Nebraska at Lincoln, Nebraska. He’s taking a full course load and he had to audition for the marching band. He said that was surprisingly difficult but he was just informed that he made the team. Last Saturday he marched at halftime of the Nebraska/Baylor game. Hmm, boy. I need to write to CBS about a possible new show – “The Production Coordinator Goes Back To College.” I got just the guy. How does Tommy Lee like attending The University of Nebraska Cornhuskers? “Everything’s red.” Tommy’s autobiographical book, Tommy Land, starts out in a rather odd way. It’s Tommy talking to his penis. I can understand this. From what I’ve heard, Tommy’s penis isn’t the least bit shy. And now that Tommy’s kids are getting older, how will he explain those videotapes of him and Pamela Anderson? Tommy admits that it will be tough to explain it to the kids. Dave waves it off, saying “Oh, just let your penis do the talking.” And that was our show for Friday October 22, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA! Hey, here’s something I noticed that few others did. Tonight we had Tommy Lee on the same show as New Halloween Costumes. Last year on the New Halloween Costume show we had Pamela Anderson. Yup. Pamela Lee last year. Tommy Lee this year. How did I remember this? Last year my girls were part of the New Halloween Costumes show. After their appearance, they watched the rest of the show from the trailers outside. They squealed with glee when they saw a clip from Pamela’s film Scary Movie 3 where she received, or administered, an “atomic wedgie.” Since then they have watched that LATE SHOW episode many time, fast-forwarding past the New Halloween Costumes and stopping at the atomic wedgie. It doesn’t get better than this for the Boston Red Sox fans, the morning of Game 1 of the World Series (Saturday). After today, it’s a week of stomach-churning angst. Enjoy your Saturday of carefree glee. Much is talked about the hatred between the Red Sox and Yankees. I can understand why the Red Sox and their fans would hate the Yankees. We always beat them. I could never understand why the Yankees and their fans would hate the Red Sox. What have they ever done to us? I’ve said it before that I enjoy beating the Red Sox more than any other team, but as soon as the Yankees are out of it, I’ll be rooting for the Red Sox. They have great tradition, a great stadium, great fans, a great city, great uniforms . . . what’s not to like? And another thing, the great grandfathers of every Yankee fan could have just as easily immigrated to Boston instead of New York City back in the late 1890’s. Any Yankee fan could have been born a Red Sox fan and vice versa. Yankee and Red Sox fans, we are the same, but only different. Boston fans, I don’t know if you want my support, but I’ll be pulling for the Beantown Bombers this week. I’m sorry, I have a feeling you don’t like to be called the Beantown Bombers. I guess it’s the New Yorker coming out in me. Hey! Don’t blame me. Blame my great grandfather. It’s a working dark week next week, meaning no new LATE SHOWs but we will be coming to work. In the upcoming week of election coverage, I’ll be ignoring all the political pundits except one: Pat Caddell. I first experienced him 4 years ago in the wee hours of election night. He was the only one who was able to cut through all the garbage and explain what was going in a lucid and understandable manner. And you know he must be good because he doesn’t have a face for television. RED SOX/CARDINAL WORLD SERIES: 1946 http://www.historicbaseball.com/wseries/ws_1946.html “This series featured a matchup of league stars -- Boston's Ted Williams and St. Louis' Stan Musial. The two stars, however, weren't the stars of the series. Williams hit just .200 and Musial hit .222. The Cardinals made use of the “Williams Shift” and continued to frustrate the Boston hitter. Harry Brecheen was the star for the Cards. He allowed a single run to Boston in 20 innings and became the last left-hander in the National League to win 3 World Series games. It had been the shortage of players during the war years that had actually given Brecheen a shot at the majors. The Cards' Enos Slaughter scored the wining run in Game 7 from first on a single by Harry Walker.” HEY, I GOT A JOKE FOR YA! It’s a new feature to make my job easier. It’s something I call “Hey, I Got A Joke For Ya!” Do you have a topical joke that you would tell if you had a late night talk show? If so, send it in! From Mark Smith of Baldwin, New York: No, but seriously folks . . . “It was announced that the next Godzilla movie, ‘Godzilla Final Wars ‘, will be the last one for the monster. But producers also announced that Conan O'Brien will take over destroying Tokyo beginning in 2009.” “Experts are differing on who will win the World Series. The odds-makers favor the Cardinals. ESPN thinks it will be the Red Sox. And Dan Rather is already reporting a Tampa Bay Devil Rays sweep.” “On the Presidential campaign trail, candidates are resorting to scare tactics. John Kerry is predicting further increases in gas prices if Bush is re-elected. And Bush has hinted that if Kerry is elected, ketchup prices will rise to over $50 per barrel.” I hope there is someone keeping a list of the politicians who received a flu shot this week. I am very curious to know. Next week the LATE SHOW will be featuring previously-viewed programs: MONDAY OCTOBER 25: From September 21, 2004; Show #2237 Dr. Phil and Gary Sinise. TUESDAY OCTOBER 26: From September 22, 2004; Show #2238 Kelly Ripa; Annie Duke; Elvis Costello; and a Nobel Prize winner reading from the Paris Hilton book. WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 27: From September 10, 2004; Show #2235 Drew Barrymore and Aron Ralston. THURSDAY OCTOBER 28: From September 29, 2004; Show #2243 Joaquin Phoenix; Austin Stevens; and Switchfoot. FRIDAY OCTOBER 29: From October 1, 2004; Show #2245 Richard Gere and magician Jason Randall, plus the CBS Mailbag with Gerry Mulligan at Pete Rose. Talk to you in a week.


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