STUMP THE BAND: It's something we borrowed from Mr. Carson and Dave never fails to express his gratitude towards the finest talk show host of the 20th century. It has since become America's fastest growing music sensation.
Paul must have gotten the wrong memo because he was dressed as Carnac. Paul holds an envelope up to his forehead and answers the question that is sealed inside. Paul says, "John Kerry's hair." With some effort, Paul quickly opens the envelope to read the question aloud; proving to all that he is all-knowing, all-seeing. The Answer: "John Kerry's hair."
The Question: "Name something gayer than Cheney's daughter."

STB #1: Lilly LaFernie of Memphis, Tennessee. She is in pharmaceutical sales. Does she have anything Dave can use? I was hoping for her to say, "Levitra." What song does Miss Lilly have for us? "Egg-Sucking Dog."
Paul quickly recognizes the song and sings,

"Egg sucking dog (high on the hog)
He's an optimist dog
Show him an egg and what will he do?
He'll make Egg Nog."

STB #2: Barry Miller of San Carlos, California. He's a retired school guidance counselor. He's now a bartender. Ah, yes. My kind of counselor. "You need to take control of your life. In the meantime, drink up!"
Barry's song: "Chickey-Chick-Chala-Chala." Will and Paul nearly simultaneously volunteer to perform this song. Figuring if both knew the song, it would be reasonable to assume that Paul and Will knew the song. To the tune of "Voulez-vous Couche Avec-Moi, Ce Soir," Paul and Will sing,

"Chickey-chick-cha la-cah la-la,
Ce soir,
Chickey-chick-cha la-cha la-la
Ce soir,
Guess it's clear we don't know that song."

"Tippycanoe and Tyler too, baby,
Typical you, you tipped the boat over
Tyler and you got nautical, baby
Splag-ga-dee-douche Tippycanoe."

Back from the commercial, Dave eyes the bumper of a New York City water tower sitting atop a nearby building. He wonders what those water towers are made of. He looks left, looks right, looks around and hopes to have an answer soon. I quickly got on the computer in the shack. Unfortunately, my computer was running so slow I could have run to the NY Public Library at 42nd and 5th and found it faster. Dave asks Tony who says, "I think it's plywood." Dave frowns, doubting the man from Cuba.

Any information yet? Nope. Dave thinks it's probably a spruce.

MARTHA STEWART HELD HOSTAGE: DAY 14
We take a look-see live via satellite on how Martha is doing at the Alderson Federal Prison in Aldeson, West Virginia. We just want to say and extend our best wishes in this time of need. We turn on the satellite feed and, Oooooh! A terrible fight is going on among the inmates. I guess this wasn't a good time to check in. Maybe another time.

JOHN KERRY ENJOYS A BEVERAGE: From a recent speech, John Kerry enjoys a beverage. It looked refreshing and gave him the jolt he was hoping for.

Dave calls for an answer from our local Mr. Encyclopedia, Pat Farmer. Pat is backstage and is soon thrust out onto the floor. What kind of wood? Pat says, "I think it's oak. It's definitely not plywood."

GEORGE W. BUSH ELECTRIFYING THE YOUTH OF AMERICA: During a recent speech, we see a young school-aged boy chewing on a hat. It must take his mind off the speech.

TOP TEN - Secrets to the Boston Red Sox Comeback - and to present tonight's top ten list, from your American League Champion Boston Red Sox, live via satellite, Curt Schilling
We find Curt Schilling resting comfortable at his home wearing a Celtic #33 Larry Bird away jersey.
-Curt was the winning pitcher in Game 6 at Yankee Stadium, going 7 innings and allowing 4 hits and one run.
-The first game of the World Series is Saturday at Fenway Park vs. either the Houston Astros or St. Louis Cardinals.
-Schilling is scheduled to start Game 2 on Sunday.

The Top Ten Secrets to the Boston Red Sox Comeback.
10. Unlike the first three games, we didn't leave early to beat the traffic.
9. We put flu virus in Jeter's gatorade.
8. Let's just say Pete Rose made some phone calls for us.
7. We asked Pokey Reese to be a little less pokey.
6. It's not like we haven't won a big game before--it's just been 86 years.
5. Honestly, I think we were tired of hearing about the Patriots.
4. The messages of encouragement Martha sent on prison napkins.
3. We pretended the baseball was Letterman's head.
2. What'd you expect--we have a guy who looks like Jesus!
1. We got Babe Ruth's ghost a hooker and now everything's cool.
At the end of the Top Ten, Dave receives the answer he was looking for. Reading from a printout, he learns the NYC water towers are made of California Redwood and Cedar. Dave then wonders what the material was behind Curt Schilling. Barbara Gaines surmises it was draped fabric and not wood.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN: Is Dustin a baseball fan? He apologizes for not being so, but does appreciate the theater and drama involved. Dave says he first met Dustin Hoffman many years ago at a boxing match at the Madison Square Garden. On the undercard was Mike Tyson. Dave adds, "And speaking of sports as theater, what about the life of Mike Tyson? What a story that is."
I was surprised as how knowledgeable Dustin Hoffman was with Mike Tyson and his manager Cus D'Amato. Cus was a father-figure to Mike Tyson and when he passed away, no one was able to step forward to fill that void. Dustin says how Cus D'Amato once told him that there has never been a dumb boxing champion. There may have been literate, but they were geniuses at their craft. A boxer had to expose their style, and then in order to succeed, break away from that style to beat their opponent. Cus compared a boxing champion as wise as a champion chess player.

This reminded me of a story about W.C Fields, a world class juggler. W.C. Fields said the time he put into mastering the art of juggling would compare to the time the world's greatest violin player had put into mastering his art. W.C. Fields saw no difference in the talent and hard word involved in juggling and playing the violin.

In the second segment with Dustin, we learn he has a trick he would like to share. The two-time Academy Award winner can blow spit bubbles and make them land gently on another person. How did he learn how to do this? Well, as a father who takes his children to movies, one becomes bored and needs to find ways to entertain himself. Dustin prepares to show us his talent. After a few unsuccessful attempts, a disappointed Dustin Hoffman says to Dave, "I want so much to please you." Dave offers his support and encouragement. Dustin says sweetly to our host, "Has anyone ever said how kind you are?" Dave is pleased at the attempts, mentioning how it was fascinating to see the whole process evolve. Luckily for us, we had a clip of Dustin performing the spit-bubble-blow while in his dressing room before the show. I had a friend who could do that in high school. His spit bubbles were smaller. He now sells eyeglasses for a living.

Dustin Hoffman is starring in the film "I 'heart' Huckabees." It opens nationwide on Friday.

The drapes behind Curt Schilling: Gold Teffata.

ACT 5: It's time for "What They'd Look Like with Johnny Damon's Hair"!
Regis Philbin.
Dick Cheney.
Paris Hilton.
This has been "What They'd Look Like with Johnny Damon's Hair"!

JOSS STONE: From her highly acclaimed CD, "Mind, Body, and Soul," Joss Stone performed "You Had Me."

And that was our show for Thursday, October 21, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

I watched a little of the Astro/Cardinal game 7 last night. Were there any thunderclappers in the crowd? I didn't watch enough of the game. Something to keep in mind in during this Cardinal/Red Sox World Series:
From the October 1st CBS Mailbag, Gerry Mulligan playing the role of Pete Rose:

DAVE: "Okay. Now, Pete, the baseball playoffs are about to begin. Who do you like?" PETE: "The Cardinals will beat the Red Sox in a 7-game World Series. Game 7 will be a 5-3 victory with Matt Morris getting the win over Pedro Martinez. Jim Edmonds will be the World Series MVP."

HEY, I GOT A JOKE FOR YA!
It's a new feature to make my job easier. It's something I call "Hey, I Got A Joke For Ya!" Do you have a topical joke that you would tell if you had a late night talk show? If so, send it in!
No, but seriously folks . . .

"A new CNN/LA Times poll revealed that 86% of Americans said if the election were to be held today, then today would be Election Day."
- Mark Smith, Baldwin, New York

You're probably tired of hearing me go on and on at how television is doing its best to destroy the enjoyment of watching baseball. So instead, here's Phil Mushnick of the New York Post.
http://www.nypost.com/sports/32267.htm

Something to talk about over drinks at the bar:
RED SOX/CARDINAL WORLD SERIES: 1967
From the website: http://www.allsports.com/mlb/redsox/1967.htm

"The Red Sox opponent in the 1967 World Series was the much more talented St. Louis Cardinals who were led by the slugging Orlando Cepeda and the fleet Lou Brock on offence and by the sensational pitching of Hall of Famer Bob Gibson. Cepeda won the NL MVP award (.325, 25, 111) while Brock stole a league high 52 bases and scored a league most 113 runs. Gibson, the St. Louis ace, who had won 20 games in '65 and '66, but won only 13 during the 1967 season spending much of the year recovering from a broken leg.
The World Series was a battle fought as hard as the regular season but for the Sox but in the end, 'The Impossible Dream' as was their quest became known, was just that, 'Impossible' as the Red Sox succumbed to the Cardinals in 7 games. The Cardinals got superb pitching out of Bob Gibson, who became the first pitcher to win 3 games in the World Series since Christy Mathewson in 1905. Lou Brock provided St. Louis with its offensive punch, hitting .414 for the Series, stealing a record 7 bases and scoring 8 runs. Carl Yastrzemski led Boston's attack hitting .400 and smashing 3 homers. Jim Lonborg won two games while losing his third start (game 7) on 3 days rest."

When it was over, Jim Lonborg - the first Red Sox pitcher to win a Cy Young Award - said, "Pitching in the World Series is the greatest. There is so much adrenaline flowing, you completely forget all of the aches and pains that have built up during the season, and you just go after it."

No mailbag Friday night. Instead it's New Halloween Costumes! My girls took the year off this year. Listen closely to what the little boy says. It's very funny.

FRIDAY'S WILL IT FLOAT? Item: a pumpkin pie - discuss.

It's too bad politicians don't love their country as much as they love their party.