Dave mentions that CBS Orchestra's Will Lee is to be honored by Bass Player magazine when he is presented with the Bass Player Lifetime Achievement Award Saturday night at the China Club here in New York City. Paul Shaffer will be on hand to present the award. Congratulations, Will Lee. For more info, check out the website www.bassplayerlive.com.

It's time for Presidential Debate Blink Count - From last week's debate, the President blinks like a hummingbird's wings. Body Language experts, what's that mean?

A MESSAGE FROM JOHN KERRY: "Let me tell you straight up. / I'm wishy-washy, / I change my mind. / I'm a flip-flopper. / I can't be president."

GEORGE W. BUSH POOR CHOICE OF WORDS: We see the President from last week's debate: "My time up yet?" Ooooh. We're about to find out.

CBS MAILBAG
LETTER #1: From Matthew Hahn of Gibsonia, Pennsylvania
"Dear Dave, What do you think Martha Stewart would do to occupy her time while in jail?"
We were able to sneak in a satellite hook-up to the Alderson Federal Prison. We have exclusive LIVE footage of what's happening in the Pen. It's a fight! The dames be donnybrooking. Although you hate to see that happen, many producers have made money making movies about women fighting in prison. I guess there is an audience for that sort of thing.

LETTER #2: Paul Stephen of Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada
"So when are you planning to retire, Dave?"
Dave doesn't have any plans of retiring and has the full support of CBS. Have you seen the recent CBS announcement?
CBS ANNOUNCER: (shots of Dave) "Unlike a certain other network, CBS has no plans to force out our beloved late night host. We salute Dave Letterman and hope that he'll remain at CBS for many, many years to come."
(shot of ambulance) "However, Dave's very old and has a bad heart. Realistically, he won't be around long.
(shot of Late Show marquee - Announcer in upbeat tone) "So send in your audition tape to CBS Late Show Audition, West 57th Street, New York New York 10019."
(figure outline at desk with "You?" pointing at head) "Never mind 2009 - you could be sitting at the desk by the end of this year! Good luck and get going!
A message from CBS."

LETTER #3: Garry Peedy of Calgary, Alberta, Canada
"Dear Dave, Have you ever tried to play the drums?"
Dave has tried playing the drums but wishes he could play better. Speaking of drummers, Dave says we have the best drummer in the business in Anton Fig. Dave has Anton stand up and take a bow. The camera shows Anton standing and bowing. The camera then pans down to find building engineer George Clarke standing behind Anton, thinking out loud.
GEORGE: (thinking out loud) "The drums, huh? What a great way to impress the boss. I'll buy a secondhand drum set, practice around the clock, and knock Dave's socks off. Oh, this is going to be great!"
Screen goes to black: We read, "A Few Days Later."
Cut to George in his apartment with a drum set. We see him in a montage of shots practicing the drums. Slowly, he gets a little bit better over the days and weeks. After weeks of practice, George is ready.
GEORGE: "There. Now all that's left is to show Dave what I can do."
We see George leaving his apartment marked 2D. He begins to walk down the steps to the lobby. A burly gentleman meets George at the top of the steps.
BURLY GUY: "You the guy in 2D?"
GEORGE: "Yeah."
BURLY GUY: "Well, I'm in 1D."
Cut to George being thrown down the flight of stairs. His scream is heard. Back to Dave. Dave doesn't think George is coming back.

LETTER #4: Elizabeth Carpenter of Chattanooga, Tennessee
"Dear Dave, Who has been your favorite guest on the show lately?"
We have had lots of good guests lately, but tonight we have one that's really special. "Please say hello to President George W. Bush." (Hey, that's not the President! It's that guy who quit our show a few months back.
BUSH: (tossing bills of currency) "$50 million to anyone who catches Martha Stewart. I want Martha dead or alive!"
DAVE: "Thanks for coming, Mr. President."
BUSH: "'Scuse me, it's Mr. Wartime President, Fats."
DAVE: "Uhh, thanks for coming, Mr. Wartime President. I know you're very busy."
BUSH: (laughs) "Good one, Fats. Looks like somebody's got me confused with Cheney."
DAVE: "We continue to get disturbing news out of Iraq. Is it time to just get out?"
BUSH: "I want to be very clear about something. We're not leaving Iraq until the job is done. George W. Bush never runs from a fight. (chuckles) Well, except for Vietnam."
DAVE: "The economy's also a problem. You're gonna be the first President to lose jobs since Hoover."
BUSH: "Who?"
DAVE: "Herbert Hoover. He was a President."
BUSH: "I'm not real good on my Presidents. I know Daddy and the dude with the beard. Oh yeah, and the horny bastard whose underwear I keep finding all over the White House."
DAVE: "It's been a very nasty campaign. What do you think of John Kerry?"
BUSH: (neighing like a horse) No, seriously, you really have to question the man's judgment. You look at the decisions he's made and I don't see how you can trust him with the Presidency."
DAVE: "You're referring to his flip-flopping on Iraq?"
BUSH: "No, I'm talking about his decision to marry that nut-job ketchup lady."
DAVE: "I also wanted to ask you about Cheney's lesbian daughter."
BUSH: "Oh, yeah. . . . . Letterman's a dawg!"
DAVE: "I'm wondering if your attacks on gay marriage have caused friction with the Cheney's."
BUSH: "Not at all. I have a great relationship with Mary Cheney. Take a look."

(roll vt - we see "Bush" in bed between two lovely and beautiful scantly clad women. The two women are sweetly pawing at each other. Bush: "Wow, you two are gayer than Rumsfeld." Back live to Dave.)

DAVE: "Mr. President, neither of those women was Mary Cheney."
BUSH: "Hey, for $50 you can call 'em anything you want."
DAVE: "President Bush, ladies and gentlemen."
BUSH: (exiting) "Go see 'Fahrenheit 9/11." W's a movie star like Shrek!"

And that was mailbag.

WILL IT FLOAT: Before getting too far into the Will It Float process, Dave lauds the wonderful game, exclaiming how he's received letter after letter rejoicing, "God Bless Will it Float, and God Bless You David Letterman."

Tonight's item: Alan announces, "Dave, it's 5 gallons of Neutrogena hand moisturizer." Hmmm. Hand moisturizer. What's it in? Alan says "A plastic pail." Dave wonders, "Is it a cream? A lotion? An unguent?" Alan smilingly announces, "It's an unguent!" Big laugh from Dave.
Dave says it will sink. Paul says it will float. The Will It Float models drop the 5 gallons of Neutrogena into the Will It Float tank and it . . . . . FLOATS!
After seeing what the Neutrogena was stored in, a 5-gallon paint bucket-type pail, Dave changes his guess to "Float" and marks himself as "Correct" in tonight's Will It Float, even though tonight's game of Will It Float had already been conducted. Dang it. This is going to confuse my scorekeeping file and database.

TONY DANZA: He now has a new daytime talk show entitled, "The Tony Danza Show." Tony reminds Dave of something Dave said when Tony got his new show. Tony recalls, "You said, 'Tony Danza has a new talk show and it's my fault. I lowered the standards.'" Dave laughs a hearty laugh as he recalls the joke. Dave is interested in Tony's new program. "Who was on your show today?" Dave asks. Tony thinks and says, "We had Elmo on the show today." Then Tony rethinks, realizing we don't tape Friday's Late Show on Friday, so when Dave asks about 'today,' it isn't really today. Tony fumbles a little bit and sighs about who he had on "today", "Oh, I'm just confused . . ." He eyes Dave, who is enjoying the confusion he knowingly inflicted upon Tony. You can see Tony thinking, "I'm playing along. Why isn't Dave?" Tony tells the story of going for acupuncture after suffering "a bad neck from a bad pillow." It was his first visit to an acupuncturist. He wasn't really prepared for the needles to be as big as they were. The needles were stuck into various parts of his body. She left the room and let the needles do their stuff. She returned 15 minutes later. Tony was relieved to have the needles removed, but instead she stuck them in farther. 15 minutes after that, she pushed them in even farther. This is when he told her he had enough. He then tried "cupping," a method of pain reduction made famous recently by Gwyneth Paltrow. We see a photo of Gwyneth who went out with a lovely backless dress after having her back cupped. Her back was covered with red circular marks. Dave says it looked as if she lost in a game of paintball. Cupping is sort of like placing suction cups on the pained area and it is supposed to suck blood to the area to relieve the pain. Tony can't explain it but the cupping worked great. No more pain in the neck.

Before introducing our next guest, Dave reads from recently received letters:

-Dear Dave, Six months ago my husband was fired from his job. We almost lost everything, but thanks to Will It Float we bought a new house and we're now expecting our first child. Thanks for everything.
Bebe Isaacs, Sarasota, Florida.

-Dave, I am a 35 years old viewer. I recently started watching Will It Float on your program. Long story short, I have started growing healthy new hair.
Mac Talbot, Burlington, Vermont.

-Mr. Letterman, Will It Float helped me quit drinking. God bless you, David Letterman and may God bless Will It Float.
Jeff Fetcher, Chicago, Illinois.

EMMA ROBERTS: She's the 13-year-old star of Nickelodeon's "Unfabulous." She's a 'tweener. What's a 'tweener? Oh, I know that one. It's girls between 9 and 12 years old. No longer a little girl; not yet a teenager. You may recognize Emma as Johnny Depp's daughter in "Blow." If you ever meet Emma, you can tell her about the movie. She's hasn't been allowed to see it yet.
When I got home after the show, I told my girls I met Emma Roberts of "Unfabulous." They were jealous.

ACT 5: Late Show 'Get Well Soon.'
The Late Show would like to sent their best wishes for a speedy recovery to Mr. Tom Grubert from Tewksbury, Massachusetts. Mr. Grubert was an audience member from last Thursday's program, during which time he was bitten by a rat. Hang in there, Tom.
This has been the Late Show's 'Get Well Soon.'"

Before introducing our next guest, Dave calls for a look-see of the Will It Float tank. He was just informed of something and didn't notice it at first. The scrim rises and we see the Will It Float tank filled with murky, dirty water. Yeeeech.

BRIAN REGAN: One of my favorite comedians to visit the show. Never fails to make me laugh. I enjoyed his, "I'm not taking questions today" and his take on "Ask not what your country can do for you."
You can see more of Brian Regan October 29th at the Byham Theater in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

And that was our show for Friday, October 15, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

Unguent - a soothing or healing salve; ointment.

Have you been following this story about Yankee catcher Jorge Posada and the FOX hidden "Diamond Cam" cameras? FOX has embedded minicameras in the dirt in front of home plate to give the home viewer a unique up-close view of the game. The cameras have been approved by Major League Baseball, the Major League Baseball Players Association, and every team in the playoffs, including the Yankees. Yankee catcher Jorge Posada purposely kicked and stepped on the cameras in Game 1 of the Boston playoffs, knocking them out of commission, complaining that they were in play and would interfere with ground balls. According to Posada about where the minicams were installed, "There was a big hole. The ball hits there, it's going to affect the route of the baseball." YAAAAAAAAAAY! You got it, Jorge! Baseball needs less cameras, not more. And they certainly do not belong on the field of play. The cameras add nothing and expose FOX and baseball to major problems if the cameras ever do interfere with a ball. If the cameras remain, I can only hope and wish for that to happen.

USELESS FUN FACTS TO FILL UP SPACE (I guess that doesn't make it useless)

-In 1963, baseball pitcher Gaylord Perry remarked, "They'll put a man on the moon before I hit a home run." On July 20,1969, a few hours after Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon, Gaylord Perry hit his first and only home run.

-The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away.

-The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator Frank Baum looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."

-A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won't.

-There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball

Congratulations, Patricia Trionfo!