Dave has a story about the local police department. Before continuing, he reminds everyone that the New York City police force is the finest in the land. Paul has heard this before and immediately wonders if Dave was pulled over today. Dave says he was. The officer approached Dave’s car window and upon peering in, said, “Hey hey hey it’s you!” Then the officer says, “I understand you quit the show.” Dave had to explain to the dim witted flat foot and it was Jay Leno who quit . . . that it was Jay Leno who gave his network a 5-year notice. It is Jay Leno who is the LAME duck host. Dave is afraid that for the next 5 years he’ll be explaining that it’s Jay Leno leaving in 2009, not him. “No, I’m not that guy,” will be his constant refrain.
And then, Dave announced his retirement. “I will quit the day after Jay goes.” It’ll be sometime in 2009.

DAVE LETTERMAN AWKWARD HUG: From the Friday, October 1st show. Richard Gere is the guest. Richard enters. Dave extends his hand. Richard ignores the hand and gives Dave a hug. Dave, an admitted non-hugger, says Hollywood types like to hug. “When a guy wants to hug, you say ‘Well, OK, let’s hug.’” From the look on Dave’s face, it was clear he wasn’t in the mood for a hug at that moment. But what are you going to do?

Billy Joel got married this weekend. It was a beautiful wedding, and following was a lovely reception. We were able to obtain rare footage of Billy Joel driving to the reception. You’ll only see it here at the LATE SHOW. We see the clip. It’s a car being driven erratically and losing control, crashing into a tree. Dave assures us that everybody was fine.

BUSH/CHENEY COMMERCIAL: It’s been a stunning turn around in the campaign, with recent polls showing Senator pulling ahead of Bush. In response, Bush came up with this campaign commercial.

Announcer: “Last week, Senator Kerry was eight points behind President Bush. Today, he is three points ahead. Is this the kind of indecision we want in a President? Vote Bush/Cheney 2004.”

Bush: “And they want us to leave and that’s what they want us to do. I think the world would be better off if we did leave. . . . DIDN’T! If we did if . . . . if we left, the world would be worse. . .”

Pigeon pecking at seed, jumps into bucket
“Here we see:
A) a scene along Central Park South
B) animals familiar to every New Yorker
C) how KFC lures their “chickens”

Man in Superman T-shirt
“This man is rendered powerless by:
A) kryptonite
B) the red sun
C) cookies.

4 chubby old guys sitting on bench
“Fall is a slow time of year for:
A) construction workers
B) landscapers
C) the 2004 New York Mets

Guy with bags and bags of food on delivery cart
“Every morning this man delivers:
A) a catered meal to a large law firm
B) a gourmet spread for an advertising agency
C) Star Jones’ breakfast

Guy wheeling big boxes
“This man is delivering:
A) kitchen supplies to a restaurant
B) sweatshirts to a clothing retailer
C) fake documents to CBS News

Going into commercial, we see a photo of our friend, security guard Dorothy Chambers. Sadly, she passed away this weekend. A very sweet and lovely woman. She was seen a few times on our show during the summer and made a number of appearances on the Tony Mendez Show.

TOP TEN: Cool Things About Sharing a Cell with Martha Stewart.
#10. Instead of smelling like urine, cell now smells like urine and lilac.
#6. Hearing the comical sounds Letterman makes during conjugal visits.
#4. Her experience throwing silverware at people makes her an asset in prison riots.

HOWARD DEAN: 5-term governor from Vermont and author of the book, You Have the Power. I laughed when Paul played him on with “Shout.” I’m not sure if that’s the name of the song but the word that is often repeated in the song. It’s not the one we’re familiar with from Animal House, but the song from the 80’s.

So how did a medical doctor like Howard Dean get involved with politics? Dean says he was a big fan of Jimmy Carter, was elected to a low level local political position, jumped to another part time job as deputy governor of Vermont, then the governor died of a heart attack and suddenly, he was governor. Dave asks Dr. Dean what position prepares a person to become president; Senator of Governor? I was barely paying attention when Dean answered. Dave was unsatisfied, following with “But did you answer my question?” After some pressing on Dave’s part, Dean said “Governor.” Dean had a dilemma there. Saying “Governor” would be a point on Bush’s side. “Senator” would be a point on Kerry’s side. But Dean may want to run again in 4 or 8 years and he mostly wants a point on his own side. He then says being Governor doesn’t always help. Look at what the Governor of Texas has done as President.

Would Dean accept a position if offered by an elected John Kerry? Howard Dean feels it would not be proper to answer. Dave is a bit bewildered. “Why won’t you answer?” Dean says he is not going there. Dave continues and again Dean will not answer the question. Dave helps Dean by telling Dean to simply say he would accept or at least consider it if offered. Dean is comfortable with that and says he would consider the offer if offered.

And what’s the deal with what’s going on in Iraq. Dean says we went in under false assumptions and when goes into something under false assumptions, your actions will not likely be successful. Dave says at the time we went into Iraq, Bush had certain information that led him to believe we needed to go and take Saddam out. Wouldn’t anyone, with the same information Bush had at the time, do the same thing? Dean says that some of the information Bush had was either knowingly concealed or fabricated to “allow” him to enter Iraq. Will Dean run for President again? Dean proudly says he will in “2012, after two terms of John Kerry as President.”

IT’S A FACT, WITH GEORGE CLARKE: It’s quickly becoming a favorite among many. It’s a bit of information offered by George that should make our life safer and richer. “It’s a Fact, with George Clarke”

George: “You should read the instruction manual before attempting to operate a chainsaw.”
George raises his bloody stump of an arm. It is gushing blood.
George: “It’s a fact!”

FRANZ FERDINAND: From their critically acclaimed debut album, Franz Ferdinand, Franz Ferdinand performed, “Take Me Out.”

And that was our show for Monday October 4, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

So Martha Stewart is going away to a minimum-security prison in West Virginia for 5 months. Following that, she will be confined to home detention to finish out her sentence. Here’s my question to college sophomore law students: If justice calls for equal punishment under the law, how is Martha’s home detention equivalent to, let’s say, your home detention? I mean, your having to stay in your small studio apartment for 6 months to finish your sentence seems to be a more severe punishment for the same crime than Martha having to stay in her huge mansion with all the luxuries for the same 6 months.

The United States is hoping to spread democracy to Iraq. Once that is settled, it is believed democracy will spread to Iran, and then Syria would soon follow. Can anybody say, “domino theory”?

Local over National: I’ve been asking for some of your little known local goods that are better than the popular national brands. One wrote in about L.A.’s “In-‘N-Out” burgers.

And now a rebuttal:
From Jacob Jensen of Reseda, California:

”Need to set the record straight as to the state of hamburgers in Los Angeles. ‘In 'N Out’ is a pretty good burger but L.A. is home to the far superior Tommy's burger. Everything at Tommy's from burgers to breakfast sandwiches is topped with a thick slice of beefsteak tomato and a half cup of chili. There's a few dozen scattered throughout Orange, Ventura and L.A. county. Most are open 24-7 and you'll never find them empty. ’In 'N Out’ is where the tourists go, but Tommy's is where the Angelenos eat.

My guess – breakfast ready in a minute and so good that it’s as if the juice was brought to you by a maid. Let’s see how I did.

From the Minute Maid website:

”At the pilot plant, converting the orange juice powder into a commercial product proved to be more difficult than the company realized. They explored the possibility of marketing an ‘intermediate step’ in the production process - frozen orange juice concentrate. It was a success! The frozen concentrate had a rich, fresh-squeezed taste, and limited production began. Now that the company had a product, a Boston advertising agency was contacted to find a name for it. From the city famous for its Minutemen came the name ‘Minute Maid,’ reflecting the convenience and ease of preparation of this refreshing orange juice.”

SUNDAY FOOTBALL
I was watching the Giant/Packer game yesterday on the TV. The Giants missed field goal after field goal but held a 7-point lead late in the game. The Green Bay Packers, with seconds remaining and no timeouts and a full football field ahead of them, had one last ditch effort to tie the score. Packer QB Brett Favre was out of the game with a concussion. The Packers complete a pass to about the 35 yard line but the clock is ticking down. Will Green Bay get to the ball in time to spike it and stop the clock? It is going to be oh so close! The clock is ticking closer and closer to 00:00. At this point as I watched the game, I had to guess that the Packers offense was running as fast as they could to the 35-yard line to spike the ball. Why did I have to guess? Because the football TV director took this moment to show Brett Favre on the sideline exhorting his team to run to the line of scrimmage to spike the ball. Favre was making the arm motion of “spike the ball.” Do the Packers get there in time? Do they get to spike the ball which gives them one more play? Do the Packers succeed and throw a touchdown pass on the final play of the game?

How did this turn out? I’m not telling. If the highly-paid professional director on FOX Football doesn’t think it’s necessary to show us if the team will get to the line of scrimmage in time, then who am I to think otherwise. Let me tell you this, though. At that most important moment, with the clock ticking down and the only hope for a Packer win is if they get to the line of scrimmage in time, Brett Favre was urging his team to do rush to the line of scrimmage. He was doing the exact same thing the 60,000 at Lambeau Field were doing, and the same thing the hundreds of thousands of Packer fans watching on TV were doing. According to the TV football director, the most important thing at this moment was “What is Brett Favre doing?” Not whether the Packers will get to the line of scrimmage before the clock ticks to zero.

And I’m sure the director, moments after the game, relaxed and kicked back, thinking he did a wonderful job.