During the monologue, Dave took another one of those quick Late Show polls. How many here are voting for Bush? How many here are voting for Kerry? For the second night in a row, the results are tepidly even.

Dave is proud of our CBS Orchestra leader and friend Paul Shaffer for his continued success of the RCR Red Carpet Ready bag line. It is really starting to take off. The bags are both upscale and downscale, appealing to everybody. Look for it and ask for it by name.

CBS NEWS PROMO: CBS is trying their darndest to put a positive spin on their fraudulent news program. It's the only news division with a fiction section. Did you see their most recent promo?

"Tonight on the CBS Evening News . . . What do Saddam Hussein, Ralph Nader, Britney Spears, and these chickens have in common? We don't know, but we'll make something up by airtime. That's tonight, only on the CBS Evening News.

JOHN KERRY ITCH: From a speech yesterday. He is speaking in front of a crowd of supporters. The Senator finishes a line of what he proposes. As he steps forward and approaches the crowd, he reaches around and scratches his back with his microphone. This was funnier than it should have been. It was merely a man scratching his back and he used a microphone to do so. Yet, I found it very funny. Explain.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF THE CANDIDATES - the election is 5 weeks away. So what are the candidates up to?
1:00 PM - (Ralph Nader) To capitalize on popularity of "Star Wars" DVD release, changes name to Darth Nader.
2:30 PM - (Jeb Bush) Florida Governor Jeb Bush rigs voting machines so anyone touching the "John Kerry" lever gets a severe electrical shock.
- Dave says the photo of Jeb makes him look Puffy. "Even his forehead is puffy," adding "He looks like he's got 4 cheeks!" Paul reminds Dave, "We all got 4 cheeks."
4:00 PM - (John Kerry) In most blatant case of flip-flopping to date, John Kerry announces he is a Communist.
- Dave takes a moment to admire John Kerry's appearance in the photo: "I wish we could just vote for his hair." He then says how his mother has the same exact hair as John Kerry. Dave calls for a photo of his mom. Once we see the photo, he asks for a split screen of the two. "Soon", we see the split screen of John Kerry and Dave's mom with similar hair.
8:30 PM - CBS News predicts landslide victory for Dukakis.

TOP TEN: New York Yankees Strategies for Winning the World Series - and to present tonight's top ten list, right fielder for the Yankees, Gary Sheffield.
#10. Blind opponents with light reflected off Jeter's World Series rings.
#5. Can't think of a number 5 so check out these pythons, ladies. (flexes arm)
#1. Hit a home run and Oprah buys you a new car.

JOHN GOODMAN: John and Dave must go to the same haberdasher as they find themselves adorned in matching attire.
How's the family? John says they're in New Orleans. He's working in Los Angeles. "They're doing swell!" Driving out to L.A. from Orleans, John took along an old friend, Johnny Miller, a retired homicide cop. Johnny likes to talk but has gone a bit deaf from shooting at the firing range, and John's hearing ain't so good either, so it was 1000 miles of talking followed by "What?" "Huh?" and "What'd ya say?" To keep alert on the long trip, John drank up on the Red Bull. Driving with Red Bull is fine. Trying to make conversation while on the Red Bull makes you sound like a muffled and warped record album that's been left out in the sun. To pass time on the road trip, John listened to one of the books on tape. He picked up "The Hobbit." He imitates what the Hobbit sounds like on tape. I would rather listen to a muffled and warped record album that's been left out in the sun.
John Goodman's "Center of the Universe" premieres on CBS October 20th.

TOM WAITS: Seeing him enter took my back to the days of "Fernwood Tonight" with Martin Mull and Fred Willard. Tom was a frequent guest on the program. To this day it remains for me the quickest half hour in TV history.
Tom overheard one of his older kids telling the younger sibling, "Don't ever ask Dad to help you with your homework." Dave laughs and wonders why. Tom says, "They said I made up a war once." (Hey, Bush did too)
Tom asks Dave if he is aware of what "cribbing" is? Dave is unfamiliar. Tom explains it's when a child is teething on their crib. They'll chew on the crib, gnawing right at it. Tom woefully says, "My boy chewed right through the wood. He ruined the resale value of the crib."
Horse do the same, informs Tom. Tom was at the racetrack not too long ago and saw a horse that had been "cribbing" at the door of his stable. Tom was shocked at what he saw. The horse had cribbed the exact likeness of a horse jumping over a fence. So amazed was Tom that he took a photo of the door. Dave looks at it and he has to agree. We see the photo and Tom was wise to take the photo. It certainly did look like a horse jumping over a fence. To prove not all horses can do that, Tom showed some more photos of horses cribbings and none of them looked like a horse jumping over a fence. Astounding.
The very entertaining Tom Waits will be back a bit later to sing from his CD, "Real Gone."

ALAN KALTER'S CLASSROOM FUNHOUSE: It's educational, it's entertaining, it's informative, it's Alan Kalter's Classroom Funhouse.
ALAN: "Thanks, Dave. Hey kids! Today, with the help of my little friend Barry the Badger here . . . (cartoon badger figure appears beside Alan) . . . we're going to learn all about nouns. Here we go." (Alan begins to softly sing as Paul lightly tickles the piano keys)

"A noun is my favorite part of speech,
and that's why I wish to sing.
To teach all my little friends
That it's a person, place, or thing.
(to Barry) Take it, Barry!"

"There are many different types of nouns.
Common and proper are merely two,
But learn them all you will,
And that's why I sing to you . . ."

ALAN: "Hold it. Hold it. Stop the song!" (looking slightly off camera) "Why does Barry sound like that? That's not what we discussed! Let me see the script!" (Alan is handed the script. He reads from it.)
"Here . . . 'Barry begins singing. He has a cute, loveable cartoon voice.'
It says it right here. 'Cute loveable cartoon voice.' Did anyone read the 'givl'-ing speech? Anyone see this thing? Do you morons know even how to read? Why the hell am I busting my balls when everyone just sits around this dump with their heads up their asses? As screw you all!" (livid, Alan gets up from his chair and storms out to the soft tune of "Sanford and Son")

BARRY THE BADGER: "What's his problem?"

ACT 5: It's time for the Late Show Viewer of the Night.
Tonight's Late Show Viewer of the Night is Phil Hines from Bayside, New York.
Phil works the overnight security shift at Northshore Diagnostics Laboratory. He says he watches the Late Show because CBS is the only channel his television set picks up. Congratulations, Phil. You're the Late Show Viewer of the Night.

TOM WAITS: From his CD "Real Gone," which will be in stores October 5th, Tom Waits performed "Make It Rain." Wow! I loved this. A bought one of his CDs the last time he was here and I'll likely be buying this new one, "Real Gone," soon. That was fun!

And that was out show for Tuesday, September 28, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

Last week many were surprised that Dr. Phil was unfamiliar with Yoo Hoo, especially a man of his girth. It got me to wondering if Yoo Hoo was a national chocolate energy drink or if it was only sold here in the northeast back then? I reckon Dr. Phil is a Texas boy. Any Texans of a similar age to McGraw aware of the Yoo Hoo? I'm thinking it may have been just a regional refreshment since Yankee catcher Yogi Berra was the major spokesman for Yoo Hoo.

Leno gave a 5-year notice to his leaving. Kilborn, what, a week?

I had the Yankee game on the radio the other day. There were so many in-game, between pitch commercials being read by the announcers that I thought I was listening to a Danny Stiles radio program.

That above joke was meant only for me. I truly doubt any of you would, or should, get the joke. It was simply for my own enjoyment. I'm laughing now as I type it.

Jack Hanna's visit last night taught us what comprises the 5 Great Apes. He said:
1. gibbon
2. chimpanzee
3. gorilla
4. orangutan
5. man

From Albert Klumpp of Arlington Heights, Illinois:

"While I'm not a zoo director or anything like that, after watching the show last night and seeing the Gazette this morning I thought you'd like to know that Jack Hanna choked on his ape facts. The gibbon is NOT one of the five great apes. The fifth great ape is the bonobo, a close relative of the chimpanzee. The gibbon is a lesser ape, along with an Indonesian/Malaysian animal called the Siamang."

The Great Apes
Fast facts on these amazing animals
By Holly Hartman:
There are four kinds of great apes: gorillas, orangutans, chimpanzees, and bonobos. Gorillas, chimpanzees, and bonobos live in groups in Africa. Orangutans live in Indonesia and spend much of their time alone.
Some scientists think that humans should be considered great apes, too. Chimpanzees share more genetic material with humans—about 99%—than they do with gorillas.

Great Apes & Other Primates
• Great apes
gorillas, chimpanzees, orangutans, and bonobos
live in Africa and Asia
• Lesser apes
gibbons and siamangs
live in Asia

I'm not an idiot, but apparently Nescafe Taster's Choice Instant Coffee thinks I am. I bought a jar the other day and on the side are directions for making instant coffee.
Making The Perfect Cup:
1. Boil water in kettle or microwave.
2. Use one heaping teaspoon of coffee per cup.
3. For best results, pour water over coffee.
4. Stir and savor.
Bonus Tip: Use 2 teaspoons for a large travel mug.

Do they really think we need directions in how to make a cup of instant? And if you need directions, do you really want them alert and aware? Wouldn't you want the dimwit sleepy and groggy?