Dave conducted one of his quick Late Show Presidential Polls. How many would vote for Bush? How many would vote for Kerry? It was about equal. I think if he had said "How many would vote 'Other'?" he would have gotten the biggest response. The response for both Bush and Kerry was the weakest it's ever been. What inspiring leaders they both are!

It's Autumn in New York and as tradition, we observe the annual changing of colors of Alan Kalter's hair. Cut to Alan - his hair changes from orange to gold to red to brown. My hair is in winter.

CBS News is still trying to recover from the scandal over the fake documents. I'm not sure how this promo helps.

"Tonight on the CBS Evening News . . . the latest on the Presidential campaign, based on stuff we heard from a guy at the Steak n' Shake. Only on the CBS Evening News.

"Let's talk about Iraq. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . One of the lessons that changed. Or one of the lessons we learned. Or must have learned. Or must never forget."

"A President's first obligation is to make / electricity blackouts lasting up to 14 hours / at home and around the world."

Dave is somewhat puzzled by the "Tonight Show" announcement that Jay Leno will be stepping down and relinquishing the Tonight Show empire to . . . Conan O'Brien. He congratulates Conan for his step up to the Tonight Show . . . . in the year 2009! Wow! NBC makes that announcement and it's not to take place for another 5 years?
About the Tonight Show position, Dave wonders, "Maybe I should send a tape over there."
Dave muses, "I think Jay said he couldn't take another minute of it, so he said he's decided to step down in 5 years."

This just in: New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning announces his retirement in the year 2019.

TOP TEN: George W. Bush Debate Strategies - This Thursday is the first of 3 Presidential Debates between George W. and John F.
Dave says the debates are only for those who are still undecided. Those who are voting for Bush will still vote for Bush after the debates. Those voting for Kerry will still vote for Kerry after the debates. Only the tiny sliver of those still undecided will be swayed one way or the other. The debates will not have much of an effect unless one of them "drops their pants and runs around with a hammer."
#4. Moving his lips to pretend the microphone isn't working.
#3. Handle it the same way he handled National Guard Duty - don't show up.
#1. Point out Senator Kerry's mispronunciation of the word "Nucular."

QUEEN LATIFAH: Queen Latifah stars in "Taxi," which opens October 8th. It's about a cop (Jimmy Fallon) who loses his license because he's crashed up a bunch of squad cars. Queen Latifah is a cab driver who drives him to a bankrobbery in progress. Her brilliant driving leads to them teaming up. We see a clip. "The French Connection" immediately comes to mind. Queen Latifah says she has been a fan of NASCAR since she was a kid and now collects a few cars. Her father was a police officer in Jersey and he once took her out on the brand new Route 78 before it was open to the public. She was all of 4 years old as they went well over the 3 digits on the speedometer, burying the needle.

JACK HANNA
Jack brought with him tonight:
1. a Gibbon
2. a black and white lemur - nearly extinct. The lemur roams around Dave's desk. With the lemur's tail held high, Dave decides to remove his mug from the desk as the lemur's hind-quarters comes within inches.
3. a 5-month-old gorilla - Jack, offering Dave the opportunity to hold the little gorilla: "Do you hold your baby?" Dave: "Yes, of course I hold my baby."
4. A komodo dragon - the komodo is the biggest lizard in the world
Jack: "What's the biggest lizard you ever touched?" Finally, after all these years, I realize Jack prepares some of his questions for Dave before the show. His straight lines are too good.
The Komodo dragon is the beast that bit Sharon Stone's husband a few years back. Exercising an ounce of prevention, Jack asks Dave, "Are you wearing shoes?" The komodo bit Mr. Stone in the foot. Dave assures the Director Emeritus of the Columbus Zoo that he indeed is wearing shoes.
The bite of the komodo is extremely dangerous due to the bacteria it carries. Why does it contain so many bacteria? Because the dragon eats any and all meat, no matter the condition. A maggot-infested piece of meat is just fine for the Komodo. Jack tries to get Dave to wave a piece of meat in front of the 6-foot lizard but Dave is having no part of it. An impatient and frustrated Jack throws down the raw meat when Dave refuses. "Come on, Dave!" Why isn't the Komodo Dragon eating the meat? Says the handler, "Because it only likes the maggot-filled meat. I "Played the Dave" and said, "Would somebody run to Rupert's and get me some meat."

We had 3 of the 5 great apes on the show tonight:
- gibbon
chimpanzee
gorilla
orangutan
man
Usually we only have one.

ACT 5: The following is a Late Show Announcement. Have you seen this Komodo Dragon? According to animal expert Jack Hanna, moments ago, he escaped. Komodo Dragons are highly dangerous with serrated teeth capable of tearing large chunks of flesh from their prey. If you see this Komodo Dragon, please return him immediately to:
The Ed Sullivan Theater
1697 Broadway
New York, New York 10019
For returning the Komodo Dragon, you'll receive this Late Show T-shirt! Thank you for your cooperation.
This has been a Late Show Announcement.

QUEEN LATIFAH: From her CD, "The Dana Owens Album," Queen Latifah performed "Baby Get Lost." Big sound. Good song!

And that was our show for Monday, September 27, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

We won as many Emmys this weekend as last weekend.

With a little more than a month before the election, people are wondering "Where is John Edwards?" He hasn't been seen in weeks. Even Dick Cheney is impressed.

Donald Trump has come out with a new cologne. I hear it's called, "Eau de Bank $1.8 Billion."

Former ABC News anchor John Miller, now head of the LAPD's counterterrorism bureau, was detained by the Feds on Thursday after trying to board a flight at L.A. International Airport with a loaded handgun in his carry-on luggage.
(Friday NY Post) (John Miller was a guest on our show, September 19, 2001) Miller swears he simply forgot he had his gun in the luggage.
When you've become comfortable enough with your handgun to "forget" that it's in your luggage, it's time to have your handgun taken away.

FOOTBALL TALK: New York Post Sports scribe Phil Mushnick is no fan of the 3rd down conversion statistic in football. It proves nothing, sheds light on little. He writes that a week ago there were 14 games played on Sunday. In 8 of those games, the losing team had a better third-down-conversion rate. This happens more than you would think.
Here's my stat to consider: a first down vs. third down ratio. The greater the ratio of first downs over third downs will reveal how well a team is moving the ball. If a team has a lot more first downs than third downs, this would show that a team is getting first downs ON first down or second down. This would show that a team is really moving the ball. If the number of third downs equal the number of first downs, that means the team is either going three and out or not getting a first down until third down. This would show that th. . . . . oh nevermind.

I really thought I was on to something there. Let me tinker with it a little more. My first down/third down ratio theory is still in the development stage.

CBS Website is still promoting the 75th Anniversary of CBS Special to be aired November 2, 2003. In a few weeks it'll be one year since its broadcast. Will it last one full year? We here at the Wahoo Gazette will keep an eye on it. Sure, the 75th Anniversary site is a nice trip down Memory Lane, but the site should be tweaked so it promotes the network and its history and not the Special.
And we'll also keep tabs on Kilborn's "Craig's Crib" and the "Late Late Show."

So how much would Oprah have to spend in order to give away a totally free car, tax and all? Many figured it would be $22,000 for the car, followed by $7,000 for the tax, followed by $2,777 the gift payment on that $7000, followed by $708 on the $2777, etc. Total cost: $32,266.66. On now a rebuttal, probably the first of many:
From Mark Murtha of Colorado Springs, Colorado:

"I need to say you're wrong about Oprah giving away cars and tax money. She only needs to give each person the car, and enough money to cover the taxes for the car. That money may be given as a one time tax free gift to each person who gets a car. Check out the IRS itself about this:
http://www.irs.gov/newsroom/article/0,,id=107815,00.html A tax free gift can be up to $11,000 and less than that the receiver doesn't even have to report the gift.
I'm not even a tax accountant and I know this. I'm surprised so many other readers didn't know this too, but fell for your joke about paying taxes on the money for tax... and so on."