One of Dave’s monologue jokes went something like this: Jerry Lewis had his telethon this weekend. He was asked who he wanted in the November election. He responded that he doesn’t really care who is elected. He only cares who will be “the First Laaaaaaadddyyyyyy!” I laughed at the silliness and suspected it wouldn’t be the last we heard of “First Laaaaaaaaddyyyyyy!”

Also during the monologue, Dave held one of those quick, off the cuff, audience polls: How many of you are planning on voting for Bush? Cheers.

And how many of you are planning on voting for Kerry? Cheers, but not as many as for Bush. It’s what we usually get when Dave poses that question.

To close up the monologue, Dave prefaces the last joke with some trepidation. It went something like this: “Clinton had bypass surgery on Monday after undergoing some tests last week. Now, hundreds are lining up outside their doctor’s office looking for the same tests to be conducted on them Clinton has that effect on people. In fact, back in ’98 during the impeachment hearings, hundreds got in line waiting for oral sex.”

A bit later, Dave asks if he can say that, “waiting on line for oral sex.”

We had Regis Philbin on the show last night and much to Dave’s surprise, he’s put together a CD of some of the all-time great standards. Dave listened earlier in the day and was quite pleased with the results. Dave asks for a sample to be played. We listen to “You Make Me Feel So Young.” Hmmm, sounds to me as if Regis has been hanging out with Delace a bit too much. Starting to sound like him.

There was a bit of trouble at the U.S. Open Tuesday night. Serena Williams had a few bad calls go against her and it may have caused her to lose to Jennifer Capriati in 3 sets. Dave noticed some other bad calls and decisions made by the umpire that may have led to her defeat. Dave has a clip to show what he means.

We see Serena resting on the sidelines. We cut to Jennifer who is on the court preparing to serve. Cut back to Serena, resting and toweling herself while sitting in a chair. Jennifer is vigorously bouncing a ball, ready to serve. Back to Serena. She is still sitting. To Jennifer, we see her smash a serve into an empty court. Jennifer raises her hands in victory, beating Serena who never left her seat.

Dave just received a note. He reads, “According to the CBS Censors, oral sex is fine.”

Paul adds, “According to President Clinton, oral sex isn’t even sex.”

CBS MAILBAG LETTER #1. From Nathan Jendron of Kingston, Ontario.
“Dear Dave, What does Rupert Jee do when he’s not slicing meat?”

Dave knows the “Business Rupert” but doesn’t really know the “Private Rupert.” So what does Rupert do when he’s not slicing at the deli?

RUPERT: “I like to go out with my girlfriend.”
DAVE: “Oh, great! I didn’t know you were seeing anyone. Could we meet her?”
RUPERT: “Well, she’s kind of shy, but I guess I can introduce you. Dave, meet Cindy.”
(camera widens to reveal a “woman” made out of luncheon meat)
DAVE: “Uh, um, hello, Cindy.”
RUPERT: “Isn’t she beautiful, Dave?”
(Rupert leans over and kisses “Cindy”, biting off some of her cheese-lip in the process.)
RUPERT: “Mmm, sometimes I can’t help myself. Sorry, honey.”

Oooh, we just listened to Regis singing and now there’s a question about Dave singing.

“Do I ever do any singing?” asks Dave rhetorically. Paul and the band begin to play some light, jazzy music. The lights dim. An audio technician quickly enters and hands Dave a microphone. Dave begins to sway ever so slightly to the music. He lifts the microphone to his lips and deadpans, “No.”

Music stops abruptly. Lights come up.

LETTER #3. From Samantha Peters of Gilroy, California.
“Dear Dave, Seeing as how school is starting, do you have any advice for a college freshman?”

Dave assures Samantha she’ll do fine. Dave also understands that being a student can be tough, and no where is this more true than New York City. And here to comment on the state of the city’s school system is Mr. Gene Szymanski.

A high-end 20-something Gene Szymanski enters.

GENE: “Thanks for having me Dave. As you stated, the New York City school system has had its share of criticism. But I’m here to say that things are looking up. Lesson plans are more challenging than ever, our teachers are energized and we’ve finally been able to make some much needed repairs to our schools. All in all, it’s going to be a great year.”
DAVE: “Well, that’s very encouraging to hear, sir. May I ask in what school do you teach?”
GENE: “Teach? I’m in 3rd grade, jackass!”
DAVE: “Gene Szymanski, ladies and gentlemen.”

LETTER #4: From Evan Johnson of Freehold, New Jersey.
“Dear Dave, If you could choose anyone to be President of the United States, who would you choose and why?”

Dave has to be honest with Evan. With Former President Bill Clinton in the hospital, Dave would rather not engage in partisan politics. And here to give an update of the former Commander-in-Chief’s condition is our very own Alan Kalter.

ALAN: “Thanks, Dave. After receiving a quadruple bypass on Monday, former President Clinton is recovering nicely. He has been described as being alert and he began sipping liquids today. His wife, Senator Hillary Clinton, has been by his side throughout this whole ordeal and it is to her that I’d like to address the following remarks.”

ALAN: “Hillary, girl, I know this has been a tough week for you, but with Bubba out of commission, how about giving me a call to schedule an appointment for a full-body work over. Your worries will melt away once you receive a transfusion of three pints of genuine Big Red, blood type ‘HOT’! Before long, your own heart will be pumping furiously as you find it impossible to bypass my sweaty, passion-clogged love artery. You’ll gasp in other-worldly delight as I inject you with 500 CD’s of Vitamin Kalter.”
DAVE: (interrupting) “Alan . . . Alan. Are you sure you should be saying this?”
ALAN: “It’s fine, Dave. Just having some fun. What’s the harm in having just a . . .

And that was Mailbag for today.

IS THIS ANYTHING: It’s a guy on a pogo stick, juggling, and playing a drum on his head. Quite a lot going on there. Is this anything?

Paul: “Nothing.”

Dave: “Yeah, me too.

MARTIN SHORT: Mr. Short is very impressed with Dave’s youthful appearance, exclaiming, “You look so boyish you could be dating Governor McGreevey.”

Dave asks Martin if, since he’s Canadian, if he has an interest in the upcoming November election for President. Martin says when he lived north of the border, he was the Mark Russell of Canada. He then performed a few quick Mark Russell-type ditties. I remember seeing Mark Russell for the first time about 20 years ago. I haven’t seen much of him lately. I wondered if the kids watching knew who Mark Russell is when Martin started his impersonations. I laughed, as he seemed to hit the Russell mark pretty good.

Martin turns the tables and asks Dave who he is voting for. Dave sidesteps, then delivers a sneaky hook to the midsection with his reply of “I don’t really care . . .. I . . . . I only care who is the First Laaaaaaaaddyyyyyy!”

Martin tells a story of having dinner with Princess Margaret. Since she is presently dead, Martin feels free to tell this tale. She was smoking and drinking quite heavily this evening. Martin asked, “How is the Queen?” Princess Margaret responded, “Who do you mean? My mother, my sister, or my husband?” She continued to drink the sake, chased down by highballs, and slurred a mumble Martin’s way, “You remind me of a lawn-cutting boy.” At one point the Princess started telling stories about the war which worked her up into a crying jag. She began crying and sobbing. Leaning her head back, she placed a towel over her head and continued to talk over her sobs. Eventually she sat back upright and placed the towel on the table. The waiter smoothly removed the towel and replaced it with a fresh hot towel. The Princess continued her story and again leaned back and placed the towel on her face. She had not seen the waiter arrive with the hot towel. She let out a yelp as she scaled herself. She was quickly whisked away by her Secret Service.

I’m not sure where the truth ended and the writer’s embellishment took over, but it was a very enjoyable story, well told. I was entertained throughout.

Martin has a film coming out soon, entitled Jiminy Glick in Lalawood. It premieres next week, September 18th, at the Toronto International Film Festival.

A quick funfact from Mr. Short: When speaking of Broadway and you want to appear “in the know,” it would be wise to pronounce the great White Way as “broadWAY”, with an accent and lift on the WAY. Not “BROADway” on a down note.

We go to commercial, but first we are teased by a song to be performed by Martin in the next ACT.

SO POLITICAL – to the tune of Donna Summer’s “On the Radio”

(following a preamble, Martin breaks into song)

Republicans and Democrats
Are so political
Worryin’ about the big election day.
Instead of getting feisty
members of both parties
should get physical,
and forget about November
party with their members...
In the Voting Booth
You can pull my lever
take advantage of my section 527
You’re bipartisan or is that just a rumor
make me moan and groan
like the Bush twins humor
(8-count dance break)
Voters on the right and left
can play ball together
we put our pants on one leg at a time
so let’s unites us all
and take our pants off altogether
shall we go back
to your polling place or mine
Whoa oh oh oh
Why must you choose to mock my caucus
walk out and leave me
I don’t appreciate the nickname
straw poll
so what if I’m a swing voter
who goes both ways like Jim McGreevey
play rough
you know I love it
when you tell me ‘shove it’
In the voting booth
you can flip my switch
by the ballot box
I can scratch your itch
you can bring it on
life’s too short to bicker
so let’s keep on pumping
just like Bubba’s ticker
In the voting booth . . . voting booth . . . voting booth . . . voting booth.

Balloons/confetti falls.

Martin and girls go behind curtain of voting booth.

ACT 5: It’s time for LATE SHOW Back-To-Scholl Tips.
If you’re going back to school this week, here are a few things to keep in mind.

Remember to get lots of sleep – you’ll need it while adjusting to all the excitement a new school year brings.

Keep a copy of your locker combination in your pocket, just in case you forget it.

And if you’re starting at a new school, find a student who is weaker and more insecure than you are, and belittle him or her mercilessly so no one notices how ashamed you are of your own hideous clothing and freakish red hair. You’ll be glad you did.

This has been LATE SHOW Back-To-School Tips. Thanks for watching and Drive Safely.

ALAN JACKSON: he’s nominated for 7 Country Music Awards, the most for any nominee this year. From his brand-new CD, What I Do, Alan Jackson and friends performed “If Love Was A River.” Nicely done. Strings played the way they were meant.

And that was our show for Wednesday September 8, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

Everybody had a story about their commute in this morning. The New York City metropolitan area was hit with a slice of Frances. Lots of morning rain. Usually, overcast skies puts city commuters in a tither but when it actually rains, forget about it. Traffic slows to a crawl. And when it really rains hard like it did Wednesday morning, you might as well resign yourself that you’ll be arriving to work closer to Thursday morning than Wednesday morning. After sitting just short of the George Washington Bridge for 40 minutes without moving, I decided to park the car on the Jersey side at a supermarket, walk across the bridge, and take the subway from 179th Street down to 59th. I lucked out. Many city dwellers had run into shut-down subway lines due to flooding. My A-Train ran just fine. The only benefit of such a commute is you have something to talk about in the elevator.

Hey, how about a shout out to Bob Borden. He used to be famous here at the LATE SHOW. You used to be able to see him all the time. Now the only glimpse of Bob you’ll get is on his website, at www.bobborden.com, where it’s all Bob all the time. . . . but don’t let that stop you. Bob was blogging before blogging was done. Click on and enjoy the fun at www.bobborden.com. There’s games, rides, song, and juggling acts. If you’re looking to waste time, there is no better place to waste time than at www.bobborden.com. And his clothing line makes for some great holiday gifts!

I was watching some of the U.S. Open highlights following the LATE SHOW last night. Tell me something; is there any reason why they include a music act during the tennis highlights? I saw it last night. And one more thing, couldn’t they think of another name for the post-Late Show tennis feature other than “Late Night”? I kid you not. Just as I was about to fall asleep, I hear one of the announcers say while going into commercial, “’Late Night’ continues on CBS right after this.”

I’m reading an article in CNN Money on how waiters/waitresses can increase their tips simply by following these simple rules (followed by my opinion.)

1. Smile at the customer. Sure, can’t hurt.
2. Hello, my name is ... Uhh, no. I’m not all that interested. I’ll only need your name if you are inadequate, such as, “Hey, Suzie, where’s my drink?”
3. Squat next to the table. No, you’re getting too close to me. Stand over there and I’ll tell you what I want. I don’t like “too close.”
4. Repeat customers' orders. This may work, simply because it ensures the waiter/waitress gets the order correctly.
5. Upsell. The bigger the bill, the bigger the tip. This works. It’s why they push the drinks before the meal and the desserts afterwards.
6. Give customers candy. Gosh, I hope this doesn’t really work on people, but I’m sure it does.
7. Call customers by name. No. See number 3. I don’t want the waiter/waitress getting too close to me. I’m not a snob. I just don’t people all that much.
8. Casually touch customers. Yech.
9. Draw smiley faces on checks. Yech.
10. Forecast good weather. Yech.

Here’s my suggestions to ensure a large tip.
1. Get it right
2. Get it quick.
3. Be polite, but make sure you make me aware that what you are doing is hard work. It’s what you do for a living, it’s what you do to pay the rent and put food on your table. Don’t make it sound like happy fun, “gee whiz isn’t it a nice day, here’s some candy, and it’s a joy to serve you, Skippy.” If waiting tables appears to be so much fun, you would make me think the reward is in the serving.