We’re working today. Is Regis working today? No. Is Oprah? No. Is Leno? Well, yes, but we won’t let that get in the way of our self-promotion. We’re here because we love the American people and realize how starved they are for entertainment. With that said, I’m going to rush through this Wahoo so I can enjoy the left hamburgers at the home barbecue.

We had a LATE SHOW barbecue here on 53rd Street for those on the staff who can walk away from work for an hour or two. It looked like a fun time. We had a camera crew tape a few shots of the festivities.
We see audio tech Tommy Yang working the grill.
Some staffers enjoying the food.
Tony Mendez first on line.
We catch a quick glimpse of Dave mingling with the staff. Camera pans up to the 12th floor and we see a hand waving to those below.
Biff brought some food over to our friends in the neighborhood. We see Biff walking with 2 plates of food to Flashdancers.
And finally, Alan Kalter and the kids enjoying a game of volleyball. Uh oh, look out for the oncoming taxi cab! Ouch! Alan gets flown into the air. What laughs.

Dave remembers some of his Labor Day celebrations of years past. He recalls it being a 3-day drunk. There was only 1 reason to sober up and that was so you could get drunk again. But those days are behind him.

A MESSAGE FROM JOHN KERRY: “And I promise you this: If I am your next President, I will / make / you / sick.”

Dave shares his thoughts on President Clinton’s quadruple bypass surgery and hopes for all the best. Dave recalls his day under the knife. Dave was trying to remain loose and cool before the surgery and asked, “Hey, Pepe, who’s opening me up? Who’s the guy that’s going to crack me open like a lobster?” A doctor said, “That would be me.” Dave had one request: “Whatever you do, I don’t want to hear the bone saw.”

The audience gasps. I gasped, then laughed. I’m trying to think if I would want to hear the bone saw. Speaking of which, I saw a few seconds the other day on the Surgery Channel. A woman was getting a nose job/adenoid procedure. The doctor had a chisel up her nose and was banging on it with a sledgehammer.

Surgeons are nothing but glorified mechanics.

John Kerry is an unhappy camper these days and has recently shaken up his staff. Changes were made. Those changes were revealed in this announcement.

“In light of the polls showing an 11-point lead by President Bush, Senator John Kerry has replaced some key members of the campaign. Campaign manager Mary Beth Cahill will be replaced by John Sasso.
Communications Director Stephanie Cutter will be replaced by Joe Lockhart.
And John Kerry will be replaced by Hillary Clinton.
Paid for by Clinton/Edwards 2004.”

A MESSAGE FROM GEORGE W. BUSH: “Mr. Chairman, fellow citizens, / I am running for President of / Denmark.”

DAVE’S END OF THE SUMMER CHECKLIST: Dave made a Summer To-Do list back in June. He takes time out tonight to see how he’s progressed.
- Learn to cut my own hair (ding)
- Get my ride pimped (ding)
- Spend Labor Day with Family and friends. (buzz)
- Spend Labor Day with an office full of people who hate my guts (ding)
- Watch Olympic Women’s Beach volleyball until my TIVO breaks (ding)

Dave takes a moment to ask a rhetorical question: “Is it really an Olympic sport if you watch and then find yourself becoming aroused?”

- Receive a restraining order from women’s beach volleyball players. (ding)
- Make my move on New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey’s wife (ding)
- Get vanity license plate ‘D-Train’ (ding)
- Go see Catwoman (ding)
- Stay until the end of “Catwoman” (buzz)
- Star in my own Spanish soap opera, “El David y las Mujeres” (“Dave and the Women”) (ding)
- Update my blog (buzz)
- Give away more free stuff to the audience (buzz)
- Convince Paris Hilton to come on the show (ding)
- Convince Paris Hilton to come to the house (buzz)
- Host the show sober (buzz)
- To get cheap laughs, show scene from Sanford and Son (roll vt – ding)
- Compete in the 15th Annual Hume Cronyn Look-Alike contest (ding)
- Answer fan mail (vt of mailguy with empty bins)
- Say hello to my friend Tom Hanks who happens to be backstage tonight (ding)
- Break it to Tom he’s not on the show tonight (ding)

Dave thinks of reading the final one but decides to quit. And what was the last one?
- Go to Mexican plastic surgeon for affordable botox, collagen, and ass lift (ding)

And that was our ACT 1.

NATIONAL HOLLERIN’ CHAMPIONS – the 36th Annual National Hollerin’ Championship was held once again in Spivey’s Corner, North Carolina.

BROOKE BEATTY – First Junior Hollerin’ runner-up: 11 years old and a 6th grader. She’s been hollerin’ her whole life and this was her first competition.
BROOKE’S HOLLER: The Distress Holler.
Dave asks if the Distress Holler contains any obscenities.
Brooke says it doesn’t. Dave admits that his Distress Call contains quite a few obscenities.
Brooke’s call sounded something like, “wooHOOooo wooHOOooo wooHOOooo.”
Dave says, “If you can make that holler, you can’t be that injured.”

DENISE JACKSON WILKS: the Ladies Callin’ Champ.
41 years old, married, mother of two. This was her 2nd year in the competition. Her grandfather, Dewey “Hollerin’ Dewey” Jackson was the very first National Hollerin’ Champion back in 1969. “Hollerin’ Dewey appeared with Johnny Carson, on The Mike Douglas Show, and To Tell the Truth.
DENISE’S HOLLER: Good Morning Holler

KEVIN JASPER: The Mens Hollerin’ Champ. Kevin has been competing since 1998. He won in 2000 and placed 2nd the past 3 years. He appeared on our show in 2000. This year there were 4 competitors in the Mens Division. Hmmm. Dave wonders if the winner having to come to the Late Show keeps the number of contestants down.
KEVIN’S HOLLER: the Ditty Holler. He performed this with a bit of the yodel.

To conclude, Brooke, Denise, and Kevin perform together. It sounded like somebody who was in trouble but felt good about it.

NEVE CAMPBELL: (sorry, Neve, but I’m in a rush to get home. This will be brief.) Neve has a film coming out on Friday entitled, When Will I Be Loved.

She’s just back from vacationing in Amsterdam. Dave and Neve discuss the drug culture in Amsterdam and Neve lauds how the government takes care of its unemployed and provides education to its citizens.

Neve is a Canadian and one of her first work was in a film entitled, Buree. It was about a half-wolf/half-German Shepard. In the film, she was bitten by the wolf, mauled by a bear, and thrown from a horse. She appeared in the film long before she had the power to say “No.” Dave suggests she should have used one of those distress calls. I laughed. Dave never throws anything away. Everything that happens on a show he keeps in his back pocket for possible use later on. Discussing Canada, Dave, Paul, and Neve ponder which is the largest Province in Canada.

ACT 5: This Date in LATE SHOW History
What happened at the LATE SHOW on Labor Day 2003? While millions of Americans celebrated the end of summer with friends and family at barbecues and get togethers, creating memories that would last a lifetime, the LATE SHOW staff and crew spent the day in the office, producing a new who where Dave welcomed Al Franken.
Happy Labor Day, America.
This has been This Date In LATE SHOW Labor Day History. Tell your friends.

The largest Province in Canada is Quebec. The second largest is Ontario.

KEANE: From their CD, Hopes and Fears, Keane performed “Somewhere Only We Know.”

Facts about England: Quebec is 7 times the size of England. England is 93,000 square miles, they drive on the left side, and is ruled by a Queen --- kind of like New Jersey.

And that was our show for Labor Day, Monday, September 6, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

With all the news coverage on President Clinton and his bypass operation, I noticed something I never realized before. At book-signings, as a lefty, he can shake your hand and autograph your book simultaneously. What a great advantage!

Clinton phoned John Kerry the other day with some campaign advice, suggesting he “distance himself from Viet Nam.” You know, like Clinton did.

Yankees won Sunday on a bases loaded walk in the 9th inning. The bases became loaded when the Yankees got a man on third base and Baltimore decided to intentionally walk the next two guys to load the bases to create a force play. You should never intentionally walk the bases loaded. You just know it will be followed by an unintentional walk.

Yankee pitcher Kevin Brown had a great excuse for owner George Steinbrenner as to how he broke his hand. Brown said he ran into those same guys George did in the elevator during the 1980 World Series.

HEY! Somebody get Michael Moore a Rutgers hat.

22 major league baseball teams have a game today. The New York Mets, along with 7 other teams, do not have a game. Imagine that; 8 teams have no game on Labor Day! Tuesday, a weekday and the first day of school for many, 28 teams have a game with only 2 teams having an off day. But on Labor Day 8 teams are without a game. Baseball ommissioner (sic) Bud Selig, I know you’re nothing more than a Madame Toussaud wax figure but would you please do something about this? Simply from a business point of view, a team not playing on a national holiday is ridiculous. It’s a big attendance day! This has been going on for years!

And to top it off, the Mets play the Marlins tomorrow to kick off a 3 game set. Both teams are off Labor Day. Hey, Selig, how about this? Instead of the Mets and the Marlins playing Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, how about they play Labor Day, Tuesday, and Wednesday and then they have Thursday off? (Yes, I know about Frances. But Selig and the schedule makers didn’t when they created the schedule.)

But where are the owners on this? Shouldn’t they demand their team play on Labor Day? It’s like Bloomingdales being closed the day after Thanksgiving.

There’s a photo in today’s New York Post of a female plainclothes NYPD detective kneeling over to inspect a crime scene. She is in high heels. I wouldn’t want her as a partner if I were still on the job. If I’m confronted in a situation where I need assistance, I don’t think a woman in heels would be much of a help in a fight. And I don’t think she would want me as a partner either if I decided to show up to work in ice skates.

Here’s something I found odd: The elephant the Republicans used as their symbol in last week’s convention was adorned with 3 stars. For some reason, the stars were upside down.

Here’s something else I found odd. John Kerry has replaced his campaign manager with John Sasso, a member of Mike Dukakis’s campaign team. And we all remember how well Dukakis did following the convention.

I went to a 40th Anniversary party this weekend. I can remember my parents and brother going to the wedding. Oy.

You don’t want to miss Tuesday’s show. Hoobastank is our musical guest. No, I never heard them before but I don’t think you’ll want to miss Dave saying “Hoobastank.”

My hope is Dave will try to get Regis to say it as well.