Late Show Republican Delegate of the Night: We see a young delegate dancing exactly the way you would think a Republican would dance.

A MESSAGE FROM LAURA BUSH: She spoke at the Republican National Convention Tuesday night. "My husband didn't / learn to read."

A MESSAGE FROM JOHN KERRY: "We need a President who's / out of touch with what's happening in America."

CBS MAILBAG
LETTER #1: From Jay Ward of Bixby, Oklahoma
"Hey Dave, Will you be going to the Republican Convention?"
Dave knows better and will simply watch on the television from home. He saw a rather strange commercial regarding the convention just the other day. Someone is always trying to cash in on someone else's work.

(sensual female voice): "In town for the Republican Convention? Feeling a little lonely? Then call Metropolitan Escorts. We have the hottest girls in town and nothing turns them on more than guys . . . . who wear loafers, bowties, and sweater vests. Oooh, I'm getting hot just thinking about it. Metropolitan Escorts. Call today."

LETTER #2: From Pierre Desjardins of Ottawa, Canada
"Hi, Dave. Are you going to broadcast from the Olympic Stadium?"
Too late and who cares. We've had a lot of Olympic medal winning athletes on our show and tonight is no different. With us tonight to take a bow for his gold medal-winning performance, Freestyle Wrestling champion Cael Sanderson. Cael enters and receives the adulation from the audience. Hey, he looks familiar. Just as some of us were aware something wasn't right, the impostor runs over to Alan and beats him up. The so-called wrestler then storms off, satisfied with his destruction. Dave, always one to get in on the action, gets up from his desk and applies a few kicks of his own on the prone, crimson-haired announcer. I jumped from my seat to get in a couple licks but I was too late. Dave was already on to the next letter.

LETTER #3: From David Weller of Utica, New York
"Dear Dave, Who are you voting for?"
Oh, the choices, the choices. Dave saw a political commercial last night that didn't really help in his decision making at all.
"The 2004 Republican National Convention is your chance to win big! Each night, listen carefully to the speeches, then log onto our official website and enter your guess as to which speaker had an affair with New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy! It'll be obvious . . . . or will it? One correct entry each night will win a real live Republican elephant!
The Republican National Convention. Join the fun!"

LETTER #4: From Mark Baltzley of Shawnee, Kansas
"Dave, if you were voted in as the President of the USA, what would be the first thing you would do once you were in office?"
Dave admits to having no idea, but kudos to our booking department because we were able to get someone pretty special to answer that question; the 43rd President of the United States, George W. Bush.
The President enters, looking much like retired comedy writer Gerard Mulligan, only more rested.
BUSH: "King George in the hizzie fo shizzie. Where my rollie-wearin' thugs at?"
DAVE: "Thank you for being here, Mr. President."
BUSH: "Anytime, D-Train."
DAVE: "Tomorrow night you will accept your party's re-nomination for President. How's the speech coming?"
BUSH: "The speech is coming along great, but I'm not looking forward to delivering it." DAVE: "Why?"
BUSH: "Words is hard. Reading make George dizzy. My eyes cross. Next thing I know I choke on a pretzel."
DAVE: "I see. A group that has ties to your campaign has been criticizing Senator Kerry's military record. Do you feel bad denigrating his service when you didn't go overseas?"
BUSH: "Yeah, I do. I feel terrible and I ask the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth to pull those commercials immediately." (Bush laughs) "I'm sorry, I thought I could say that with a straight face."
DAVE: "That's nice. New Yorkers favor John Kerry for President by about 20 points. Do you regret holding the convention here in light of this information?"
BUSH: "Not at all. In fact, just this afternoon I did something which made me feel like a real New Yorker. Watch."

See a clip of Bush walking down a Manhattan street. Suddenly he pulls out a crowbar and bashes a car window. The President then runs off.

DAVE: "That was lovely, Mr. President."
BUSH: "Thanks." (phone rings) "I gotta grab this." (Looks at caller ID on cell phone) "All right, I gotta fly. Cheney's blowin' up my cellie."
DAVE: "I understand. Where are you headed - to a fundraiser?"
BUSH: No, we're going to a gentlemen's club on the West Side Highway. There's a dime piece shorty named Serena I wouldn't mind giving the ol' pocket veto. If my old lady calls, make up some bull-djoy about me working on my speech."
DAVE: "Will do, sir. President Bush, ladies and gentlemen."
BUSH: (exiting) "Put me on Rushmore! Put me on Rushmore!"

And that was mailbag.

And now something you'll learn ONLY from the Wahoo Gazette
After the ACT 1, Alan Kalter talked to the Olympic wrestler impostor, congratulating him on a job well done, but wondered why he continued to kick after Alan had fallen to the ground. "Some of those kicks landed. I felt you kickng my hip." A confused Brian, the Olympic impostor, didn't know what Alan was talking about. Not until after the show in the elevator on his way back to his office did Alan discover that it was Dave who was doing the kicking.

You won't find this stuff on Page 6 of the New York Post, my friends. Only in the Wahoo Gazette.

BIFF HENDERSON LIVE AT THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION
- from Madison Square Garden, 20 blocks south of the Ed Sullivan Theater. This is Day 3 of the Convention.
What's going on at the Convention? Biff laughs, "Not a damn thing." Do anything interesting? Biff says he went to get a facial, and he has a clip. We see Biff enjoying the massage to the face, calming the tension and soothing the long hours of labor. Dave asks wisely, "What does that have to do with nominating a President?" It seems to me receiving a facial has as much to do with nominating a President as the convention itself.
Did Biff watch Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's speech last night? Biff did, he enjoyed it, but that "Girlie-Man" is weak. Biff thinks he should leave that alone. How about the Bush twins? Did Biff see their speech? Biff saw it and says it really wasn't a pretty picture. Dave says they're not professionals but just a couple of kids. Biff responds, "I know they're new at it, but I think they should be through with it," adding "I think they should go on a long vacation, at least till after the election."
How about Cheney tonight? "I hope he makes it thought the speech."

Does Biff have someone with him tonight? Yes, he does. It's Michael Moore.
Michael Moore enters adorned with his familiar Michigan State "S" hat. He is at the convention reporting for the USA Today newspaper. Dave asks about the incident with Senator John McCain the other night. Michael Moore says it was unfortunate of McCain to be put in that situation, not being told by the Republicans that I was in the audience. Plus, Moore found it odd that McCain suddenly turned into Ebert and started to critique his film "Fahrenheit 911" without ever having seen it.
Did it bother Moore that he was booed so lustfully? Michael laughs, reveling in the fact that he was "bathed in boos. Like a spring morning."
And how much has the movie earned so far? "$120 million" he says proudly.
Dave thanks Michael Moore for his time and congratulates him on his highly successful film.

The Late Show audience was leaning Republican throughout the interview with Michael, with a smattering of Democratic supporters. Senator McCain follows after the commercial to give his side of the story.

SENATOR JOHN McCAIN - Republican from Arizona. About the Michael Moore thing, Senator McCain admits to not knowing he was in the building. The Senator says, "I was given a speech, a very good speech," and you saw what happened. This made me wonder just how much of the speeches are written by the presenters. McCain said, "I was given" the speech. How much did he write? How much did Laura Bush write of her speech? And the twins? Schwarzenegger's? And tonight's speech by Senator Zell Miller?
Did McCain see "Fahrenheit 911"? He says he didn't but he did see many many excerpts. He knows that the film did not show the torture and the killings and the beastly assaults upon the Iraqi citizens by their government. It was not part of the film. The Senator says the film should have included that to give the people a better idea of what is going on over there, and why WE are over there now. McCain doesn't believe the film tells the whole story, and that is a dangerous thing.
What does Senator McCain think about the Bush attacks against him of 4 years ago when they were campaigning against each other in the primaries? Some of the stuff said against McCain by Bush was pretty harsh. The Senator says,
- it was 4 years ago
- I believe in the cause - a terrific cause - of freedom and justice for those in Iraq
- I believe President Bush is the best person to lead us in that cause.
- And how would it look if I put my feelings ahead of the good of the country?
- What happened in North Carolina 4 years ago is in the past, something we should put behind us, and concentrate on the issue at hand

Dave says if someone said the things to him like Bush said to McCain, "I would get on the phone and says, 'Hey, Pepe, what was that crap you said back in North Carolina?" Senator McCain says he did that, but now all of us have to get over it and put it behind us.
Before going to commercial, the Senator stresses that he knows John Kerry very well, he considers him a friend, he's a good man and he would make a good President . . . . but President Bush has proved he can lead us in this most important time in history.

Kerry in Vietnam? It was a very difficult time back then. Young soldiers, 18, 19, 20 years old were coming home after fighting in war and the welcome wasn't always that kind. But that is the past. We need to put Vietnam behind us and work towards saving the lives of the men and women fighting in Iraq right now.

Will this be a close election? Of course it will, but McCain is feeling confident for Bush after the recent pick-up in the polls. The debates will play a very important role.

And that was our visit with Senator John McCain. Can I skip this election and vote right now in the 2008 election? I think I have my guy.

Before saying goodnight, the Senator says his 92-year-old mother is in the green room with her twin sister. We get a shot of the beautiful women, and twins they certainly are. Very nice, very sweet.

Dave was very nice not to bring up McCain's Arizona Diamondbacks. The Diamondbacks currently have the worst record in Major League Baseball at 41-91, 50 games below .500. They are 36 and a half games behind the first place L.A. Dodgers, but worse than that, 37 games behind in the all-important loss column. Dave probably decided not to mention the Diamondbacks after the 22-0 drubbing the Cleveland Indians whomped on the Yankees Tuesday night.

ACT 5: Late Show Betcha Didn't Know

"Here's something I bet you didn't know. Late Show stagehand Pat Farmer has been stealing studio cables and office supplies for almost ten years. In fact, last year he brought home a Xerox copy machine valued at almost $1400. Nice going, Pat. This has been Late Show Betcha Didn't Know. Tell your friends."

And that was our show for Wednesday, September 1, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

Some favorite chants of protests overheard in New York City this week: To the tune of "Who Let the Dogs Out" by the Baha Men.
"Who dropped the bombs down? Bush . . . Bush, Bush."
Both Democrats and Republicans alike appreciated the work at creativity.

Also overheard at a demonstration, one protestor filled with ire was heard to yell, "I can 'djoy' a better President than Bush!"

I really don't mind the demonstrations, just as long as they are creative, clever, and don't get in the way of traffic.

It was good to see Mulligan back doing his magic in mailbag. Although he retired from the daily grind a few weeks ago but I'm glad to report that he'll continue to be on-call for Mailbag for the time being and possibly for other bits of comedy.

I have to laugh when the Hollywood elite clamor for politicians to do something to keep jobs here in America. But Hollywood has been outsourcing the filming of their movies for years. Vancouver, Toronto, Europe, "Spaghetti" westerns. Why? Because it's cheaper, of course.

The Yankees lost to the Cleveland Indians Tuesday night, 22-0. On the bright side for Yankee fans, it was tied early.
Just my luck. I bet the Indians, giving 23.
Hey, Mariano, can you start?