How about that Lance Armstrong! Congratulations to one of the greatest, if not THE greatest athlete in the world today. 6 consecutive victories at the Tour de France. Never before done. From now on the race should be called, "Tour de Lance." Dave quickly decides to coin that phrase, "Tour de Lance." Dave explains, "I heard someone else use it, but I'm coining it." Dave is a bit disgusted at how Lance Armstrong's great achievement is tainted by accusations of steroid and performance enhancing drug use. Somebody has to win. Does that mean who ever wins must be using drugs?
Have you noticed that most everyone is against the use of performance enhancing drugs except when it comes to Cialis?
And speaking of great achievements, how about our talent department! With us tonight, Lance Armstrong! Out rides the world renowned bicyclist across the stage and up through the back of the house. I don't quite understand it but CBS TV adds about 120 pounds to you. Lance looked awfully heavy on the cringing 10-speed.
Are you like me? Whenever I say the word "10-speed," I think of "10-Speed and Brownshoe."

Dave is a bit disappointed in the Democratic Convention in Boston and the upcoming Republican Convention in New York. He's been hoping for a real wild and angry and attacking and clawing type convention but politicians today are just too damn nice to each other. C'mon, Kerry hates Bush and Bush hates Kerry. Take off the gloves and tell it like it is. Dave wants rumor, innuendo, gossip, lies, and slander coming out of the convention, something to make it entertaining. Heck, put a little of that into it and the networks would surely be spending more than an hour a night on the convention. And why is it only an hour a night on ABC, CBS, NBC, and FOX?
Shouldn't one of them quietly and sneakily change their schedule this week and go full tilt with the convention? 3-4 hours a night? It would be a great shot to their Network News image and would be a way to stand out at a time when no one is watching summer network TV.

Let's take a minute to see what the major networks find more important than the Democratic National Convention. (Yes, I know the Conventions are nothing more than a Barnum & Bailey Circus these days.)
CBS: instead of the Democratic National Convention, CBS is showing repeats of "Everybody Loves Raymond", "Two and a Half Men", and "CSI: Miami".
NBC: instead of the Democratic National Convention, NBC is showing reality shows "Fear Factor", and "For Love of Money."
ABC: instead of the Democratic National Convention, ABC is showing repeats of "My Wife and Kids", "George Lopez", "According to Jim", and "Hope and Faith."
FOX: instead of the Democratic Convention, FOX is showing reality shows "Trading Spouses", and "The Casino."

So what have we learned from this? For me I learned that ABC's "My Wife and Kids", "George Lopez", "According to Jim", and "Hope and Faith" are still on the air. I thought they were all long gone. Looking at the above, Monday night is big for CBS. NBC and FOX are running inane reality shows but at least they are new. ABC, come on, there's your chance to stand out among the rest. Go full night with the convention. What the heck are you thinking? What's the worst that could happen? Last place again? C'mon, big honchos at ABC, would one of you earn your money!

Damn. I should have saved that for my Wahoo Extra section.

Dave goes outside to say hello to the United States Olympic Synchronized Swimming Team. The 10 lovelies are lined up in front of the pool, at center is Captain Lauren McFall. What does it take to be a synchronized swimmer? Says Lauren, "You have to be flexible, graceful, and hold your breath a long time." About how long? "For 3 minutes," says Lauren. Dave asks, "Ever lost a girl?" Happily, Lauren says they haven't. We will come back later to see their performance.
Some information about the team and the pool
-The swim team consists of 9 women and 1 replacement.
-The pool is 75 feet long, 17 feet wide, and 5 feet deep. It holds 48,000 gallons. The water temperature: 84 degrees.
-Synchronized swimming became an Olympic event in 1984.
-The United States team is currently ranked 3rd in the world.
-Tonight's demonstration is sponsored by the insurance company, AFLAC. Quack quack.

It's time for the CNN Democratic National Convention Highlight of the Night: It's Wolf Blitzer from CNN chatting with someone from the convention. As Wolf asks her a question, static slowly begins to build. By the time the woman is about to answer, the static has overtaken all audio. The woman answers the question for a good 30 seconds. All you could hear is static. Just as she finishes, the static also stops. The static picked up again as Wolf followed with something.

Back to Dave's wants for this convention, h says what he would like to see Thursday night is for John Kerry to get up at the Fleet Center and say, "George W. Bush is a lying little weasel." I chuckled, but I was more impressed with the fine impersonation Dave performed of John Kerry.

And now it's time for George W. Bush Word of the Day. We see the President speaking. He says "That's an unrealistic . . . . ex-pec-ta-tion."

It's something new, it's something we call "WHAT DEMOCRATS SAY/WHAT REPUBLICANS SAY." Some of my favorites:
Dems say: "The key to our victory will be winning crucial swing states."
Reps say: "The key to our victory will be rigging the vote in crucial swing states."

Dems say: "Honoring those with distinguished military records is a top priority."
Reps say: "Concealing the President's military record is a top priority."

Dems say: "States should decide the issue of gay marriage."
Reps say: "Marriage is only between a man and a woman, or two really hot chicks."

Dems say: "People of all races, creeds, and walks of like are working together to elect Kerry."
Reps say: "People from al sorts of different country clubs are working to re-elect Bush."

Dems say: "John Kerry was a war hero."
Reps say: "George W. Bush was a cheerleader." (see photo of Bush as a cheerleader)

Dems say: "Our vice presidential candidate exudes youth and vitality."
Reps say: "Our vice presidential candidate exudes a strange wheezing noise when he climbs stairs."

BIFF HENDERSON AT THE DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION: With a satellite hook-up, we say hello to Biff Henderson who LIVE at the Fleet Center in Boston. What's it like at the convention? Biff thinks it's nothing but a waste of money. Biff adds it's kind of stupid. Someone is speaking at the moment, but nobody is listening. (sounds like being a father.) Who has Biff seen at the convention? So far, Patti Labelle, Jerry Springer, Tom Brokaw, Peter Jennings, and New York Attorney General, Elliot Spritzer. I think Biff meant Spitzer. Dave asks Biff if he could do him a favor. He asks Biff to turn around and yell over the Fleet Center crowd below what Mrs. Teresa Heinz Kerry said yesterday, "Go Shove It!" Biff is happy to oblige. It was quite funny to hear our Mr. Henderson yell out, "Go Shove It!" I can't wait till next month when Dave has Biff yell to the crowd at Madison Square Garden what VP Dick Cheney said last month: "Go 'givl' yourself!"
So what did Biff do today? He went around the convention to see how long he could shake the hand of a conventioneer. We see Biff approach a happy visitor. Over patriotic music, Biff shakes the hand of the conventioneer. For how long? 49 seconds. 49 seconds of handshaking on network TV is a very long time.

TOP TEN: Signs Your Convention Speech is Boring.
#10. You begin by thanking all 4,353 delegates by name.
#9. Your only applause comes when your microphone stops working
#7. Halfway through the speech, workmen begin dismantling the podium.
#4. The ghost of Harry Truman is giving you the 'wrap it up' signal.
#3. Networks cut away to LIVE coverage of delegates smoking on the sidewalk.
#2. Teresa Heinz Kerry gets a standing ovation when she tells you to "Shove it."

Before introducing out next guest, Dave has this bit of advice for all United States Olympians: "Go for the Gold."

HOLLY HUNTER: Holly is a New York City dweller and has leaned the art of people-watching. It is an endless means of entertainment for city residents. A main reason for that is if you have to pay NYC apartment rents, you have no money left over to do anything BUT people-watch. The other night at around 2 AM Holly was hanging out her window watching a city scene. Even at 2 AM there is a bevy of activity. Up the street she sees a man carrying a big bag of garbage. For some reason she knew immediately he was going to dump the garbage on her front stoop. She can't explain how or why she knew it but the feeling was unmistakable. Holly watched the man trudge this bag of garbage. Sure enough, as he approached the steps of the building, he slowed and dropped the bag of garbage right there on her front stoop. With the lights of her apartment off and Holly being not visible to anyone, she says in a loud slow voice, "Pick it up!" The guy stopped dead in his tracks and went back to pick up the bag of garbage. He then quickly walked away. Holly says she felt very powerful.

I have a similar story. I too was people-watching one night at 2 AM. There was a guy parked outside my apartment. He opened his window and dumped his ashtray, cigarette butts and papers and wrappers all. I said exactly what Holly said, "Pick it up!" The guy looked around and could not tell where the voice was coming from. He quickly got out of his car. . . . . and walked around to his trunk where he found more garbage and dumped it onto the street. Before getting back into his car, he said to no one and everyone, "YOU pick it up." I didn't know what to do, so I slithered back to bed and watched the end of "Joe Franklin."

We learned something about Holly we never knew before: She is an expert poultry judge. Back in high school she didn't know much about poultry but she had a crush on a guy, James Plunkett who was on the poultry judging team, so she decided to join the team as well. One thing led to another and she ended up going to Chicago for the Poultry Judging Nationals. As a poultry judge, you need to be able to tell the difference between roasters and fryers and broilers and stuff like which hens make the best layers. It's good to have something to fall back on in case this acting thing ever goes bad. How did she do in Chicago? Eighth place. Not bad. And how is James Plunkett now? That same James Plunkett is now dropping garbage on the front stoops of people's apartments. No no no. I just made that last part up.
Back when Holly was making "Broadcast News in the early 1980's, she was invited to the White House to dine with the Reagans. This was soon after Ronnie had been shot and the security was intense. Holly found the President to be very sweet, charming, and gentle. As a taste of home, the President kept a covered wagon in the back yard (his first car?) and asked Holly if she would like to take a look at it? Of course when a President asks if you want to see his covered wagon, you have to say yes. As soon as they decided to go out to the back, all the secret service whispered urgently into their sleeve, "He's going to the covered wagon!"
Holly Hunter stars in the film "Little Black Book" with Brittany Murphy. In the film she plays a Jerry Springer-type TV talk show host. It opens August 6th.

ALAN KALTER: It's time for "Alan Kalter's Summer Health Alert".
ALAN: "Thanks, Dave. Everyone loves to have fun in the sun, but hours spent outdoors in the summertime can lead to serious health risks – like sunburn and dehydration. Whenever the sun is out, I make sure to dress in light, loose-fitting clothing, drink plenty of water, and put on an ample amount of sunblock. Once the sun goes down . . . . . I prowl the streets alone --- watching and waiting unseen . . . . my feline intuition guiding me in the darkness. All evil is my prey. I am Catwoman!" (Alan rips off his clothes to reveal his wearing the Catwoman costume underneath. He kneels down in the Catwoman pose seen on the posters. DAVE: "Are you all right, Alan?"
ALAN: "Don't mind me, Dave. I'm drunk."

ACT 5:
ALAN V.O.: "It's time for 'Democratic National Convention Update with Late Show Costume Designer Sue Hum.'"
SUE HUM: "I haven't seen any of the Democratic Convention yet. We tape the show at 5:30 PM and the convention coverage doesn't start for a few more hours. It isn't fair to be put on the spot like this."
ALAN VO: Thanks for the update, Susan. This has been 'Democratic National Convention Update with Late Show Costume Designer Sue Hum.' Tell your friends.

THE UNITED STATES OLYMPIC SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING TEAM. It's time for their performance, debuting a portion of their Olympic routine being seen for the very first time.
I wasn't expecting much, not being a fan of the synchronized swimming, but I found this a lot more entertaining than I thought it would be. I'll be watching and rooting their efforts in Athens, though I have a feeling many will be watching just for the crashes. To close the show we see the synchronize swimming team with Lance Armstrong submerged in the pool.

And that was our show for Monday, July 26, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

I wonder how many votes Kerry will lose in Massachusetts and Bush will lose in New York because of all the traffic their conventions will create. I think most in Boston and New York are like me: Sure, you can have your little convention party here. Just don't screw up the traffic. I'll be cursing President Bush in a month and if the Democratic Convention were here I would be cursing Kerry.

The other day during Mailbag, a woman made an entrance, spoke one line, then exited. The music playing her on and off was the theme song to "Sanford and Son." A very select few on the staff howled with laughter over the song. I knew there was a joke there somewhere but I didn't ask because I find it more fun to discover it on my own. I decided to pass the question on to the Wahoo readers. In Friday's Wahoo I reported the following from Tim Otto of Athens, Georgia.

"I believe I can shed some light on the 'Sanford and Son' reference on 'Mailbag' this week. I've heard Billy Crystal and other comics share this same story:
After 'Sanford and Son' went off TV, Redd Foxx went back to doing standup. One night, he was performing in Vegas. The house band played the 'Sanford and Son' theme as his intro and exit music. But on this particular night, something happened that did not sit well with Redd. I can't remember what it was (might have been a poor audience turnout, problems with the hotel's management, pay dispute, etc.). Anyway, the band plays the theme, and Redd comes out. But instead of doing his act, Redd unleashes an angry tirade on the audience, and then promptly turns and walks offstage (not to return). He had been onstage for about one minute. The band, unsure of what to do, just cranked up the 'Sanford and Son' theme again.
From then on, Redd Foxx and the Sanford and Son' theme became a point of reference for brief appearances onstage (i.e., the gag on "Mailbag".)

I then received this on Monday from Gord Oxley of Toronto, Canada.

Re: the "Sanford and Son" theme use for brief appearances -- There was a Simpsons episode where Homer runs for, and becomes, Springfield's Sanitation Commissioner. Homer of course botches everything up, and Springfield wants to reinstate the previous commissioner, Ray Patterson (voiced by Steve Martin) at a town hall meeting. When Patterson is brought out to the podium to address the assembled citizens, there's a small band ushering him onstage with the Sanford and Son theme (I guess appropriate since he's basically a man dealing with people's junk). After Patterson first looks like he will joyfully and tearfully accept reinstatement, he quickly turns down the offer and tells Springfield that they're screwed, thank you, goodbye, and abruptly leaves the stage, again to the tune of the Sanford and Son theme."

I think we got a match. Thanks, Gord.

I tried to watch the Yankee/Red Sox game on ESPN Sunday night. What I got instead was an inning and a half of John Kerry, an inning with Peter Gammons, an inning with Ben Affleck, and an inning with George Stephanopoulos. I find in all sports that the bigger the game, the more the network feels the need to present side shows. One question asked of John Kerry was his thoughts on whether Pete Rose should be in the Hall of Fame.
Kerry: "Ooooh, that's a tough question best left to the sports writers who do the voting."
Kerry was asked, "So you're not going to answer?"
Kerry: "Ooooh, that's a tough one."
I yelled at the TV, "Answer the damn question, Kerry. Come on, make a decision." I think Kerry was afraid to answer because he realizes there are many out there who would base their vote on the answer he gave, as if his thoughts on Pete Rose in the Hall of Fame would determine whether he would make a good President or not. Here's what Kerry should have said: "Pete Rose deserves to be in the Hall of Fame." This would please the people in Ohio, a swing state, especially those in Cincinnati. (Pete Rose played much of his career with the Cincinnati Reds.) Come to think of it, this would please those in Philadelphia as well, currying favor with the people in another swing state. (Rose also played for the Phillies.)

Wahoo Prediction: Within the next few days, John Kerry will come out saying Pete Rose belongs in the Hall of Fame.