It’s time for America’s Fastest Growing Music Sensation, Stump the Band.
It’s something we borrowed from Johnny Carson and we promise to give it back just as soon as Mr. Carson realizes we borrowed it. Paul must have received the wrong memo because he was ready to play Carnac. In his Carnac hat, Paul holds a hermetically sealed envelope up to his frontal lobe and after great study, reveals the answer to the question inside. “Michael Jackson, and the Mars Rover.” Paul opens the envelope to read the question: “Name 2 things that have lost touch with earth.”

And now it’s time to play “Stump the Band.”
JENNIFER DAVIS: from Jackson, Mississippi. She’s a Marine Biology student.
Jennifer’s song: “Red-Nek’d.” The CBS Orchestra gave a shot at it. To the tune of “Green Acres”:

“Red Neked’s what I came to be
Nude sunning don’t agree with me
I might now be a Red Nek if
I would have used a stronger SPF.”

DENNY BRYAN: from Doylestown, Pennsylvania about 35 miles north of Philadelphia. He teaches the 5th grade. How’s the kids? Mr. Bryan says there are a lot of good kids out there, but it’s the bad ones who get the press. “Ever pistol whip a punk?” Denny laughs, but doesn’t answer.
Mr. Bryan’s song: “The Pelican Song.”
Paul sings The Pelican Song to the tune of “Tuxedo Junction.”

“Have you seen that Pelican
Hold a fish like no fella can
His beak can hold more than his belly can
That crazy Pelican.”

WILL IT FLOAT? With the exciting new “Will It Float” home game, available at Toys R Us and Kaybees. Tonight’s Will It Float item: A 4 lb, 2.5 oz can of Ruby light tuna in water.
Dave said it would sink.
Paul said it would sink.
I thought it would float
The models drop the 4 lb. 2.5 oz can of Ruby light Tuna in water into the Will It Float tank, and it . . . . . . . SINKS!

I thought the tin can would float. I thought the tuna would float. I thought the water inside the can would be a wash. Therefore I thought the entire item would float. I did not take into consideration the tuna was vacuum-sealed. Remember, I was up against the clock. But that’s what makes the game so exciting.

TOP TEN: Good Things About Having A Stripper as a News Anchor
– a news anchorwoman resigned this week after photos of her engaged in a wet t-shirt contest appeared over the internet. She was on vacation with her husband at the time in Key West, Florida. The station: WKBN-TV. I spent a lot of time looking for the above information. Once I got past the photographs, it was easy.
#10. Finally, a way to get teens interested in current events.
#7. Impressive to watch her do the news while the sports guy’s throwing dollars at her.
#3. She covers the five W’s of journalism: Who, What, Where, When and WOW!
#1. Viewers intrigued every time she says, “This just in.”

AL FRANKEN: author of the #1 book on the New York Times Bestseller List, Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them. Al and Dave both spent some time in Iraq and Afghanistan recently. Al says he was at the same Saddam palace as Dave, the one where Dave threw footballs into the pool. Al Franken hosted the USO show and says he did his best Bob Hope. He opened with jokes like, “So is anybody here from out of town.”
Joining him on the tour were the Washington Redskin cheerleaders, who pretended to be Taliban cheerleaders in burqas. They were actually adorned in tear-away burqas.
What did Al think of President Bush’s State of the Union Address? It seemed Bush was hedging his bets a bit this year. Last year he said there were definitely weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. This year, Bush said: “already the Kay Report identified dozens of weapons of mass destruction-related program activities and significant amounts of equipment that Iraq concealed from the United Nations.” Weapons of mass destruction-related program activities. . . . Sort of like our own “Fun with Editing.”
Franken also has a radio show in the works. Dave thinks it starts in the Spring. Al says he does have a radio show but has no idea when it’s to begin. It’ll be on 3 hours a day and Dave says there is a good chance he will be up against Al’s friend, Rush Limbaugh. Al Franken looks forward to it and promises it to be drug-free radio. Al’s first goal as a talk show host on the radio is to get sued by some rightwing jerk. What does Al think of Rush’s problem with drugs? Al says he has sympathy and an understanding of the problems with drug abuse and addiction from his days on “Saturday Night” and only hopes for the best for Rush. He adds that he also recalls Rush Limbaugh describing Al’s friend Jerry Garcia soon after his death as “Just another dead doper and dirt bag.” And he remembers hearing Rush’s views of those who use drugs: anybody who uses drugs should be put away and serve the strictest of penalties. With that said, Al says, “I’m praying for him. I hope he gets help and demands the prison time, the strictest penalty possible, that he believes all drug abusers deserves.”

JAKE JOHANNSEN: Jake will be performing at the Improv in Houston from February 12th through the 15th. I like Johannsen. I always find him funny. He wonders what’s it like for our armed forces to fight in Afghanistan and Iraq? We’re fighting soldiers with swords on horses. It’s like we sent the Marines into the Bible.

ACT 5 – On cape, the 108th Mayor of the City of New York, the Honorable

Before introducing the band, Dave asks Paul, “Did I hear right? We’re you singing, ‘Bloomy, I’m lost.’” Paul says yes, he was singing “Bloomy, I’m lost.”

PHANTOM PLANET: from their acclaimed new CD, Phantom Planet, Phantom Planet performed “Big Brat.” This was the band Jason Schwartzman was in. I liked these guys. Reminded me a bit of “Southern Culture on the Skids.”

And that was our show for Friday January 23, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

Sad news in showbiz. Famed dancer Ann Miller died Thursday. At her funeral, they played Taps. And Friday morning, I heard that Bob Keeshan, Captain Kangaroo, just passed away. After sadness, a sudden sense of panic came over me. I quickly watched the Friday show which we taped on Thursday night and was relieved to find we did no Captain Kangaroo jokes on that show. Phew.

And sad news at the LATE SHOW: good friend and one of the hardest workers at the LATE SHOW, Jill Leiderman, is leaving to take on another challenge. Sniff sniff. Best of luck, Jill. I enjoyed watching you work. A true professional.

Everyone’s been asking me, “Hey Mike, who do you like in the Super Bowl?” I tell them, “The Giants.” They say, “But the Giants aren’t in the Super Bowl.” “I know,” I tell them, “but you asked, ‘Who do I like in the Super Bowl’ and I said I like the Giants in the Super Bowl.”
With the jokes out of the way, let’s get down to business. The New England Patriots vs. the Carolina Panthers. Whenever I make a pick on the big game, I look at two things: Defense and quarterback. Who has the better defense? Who has the better quarterback?
I think the Patriots have the better quarterback. I think the Patriots have the better defense, based primarily on their coach Bill Belichick. So my pick is the Patriots, but either way, I don’t really care who wins. I only watch the Super Bowl for the cutaways. I can’t wait to see the fans in the crowd and the cutaways to Coach Belichick and Coach Fox.

It looks like the New Jersey Nets basketball team will be sold and moved to Brooklyn. The other day I asked what the new team will be called? I suggested the Brooklyn Bridges. Today in the New York Post, they asked the same question. Their suggestions:
Dodgers
Eagles
Bridges
Bounce
Nets
Accent
Lords of Flatbush.

I have another suggestion: The Brooklyn Eminent Domains.

Here’s something I don’t understand: Brooklynites abhor Walter O’Malley for moving their beloved baseball Dodgers to Los Angeles back in 1958. They consider him an evil man. Yet, today they’re clicking their heels over the move of the Nets from Jersey to Brooklyn.
They think it’s wonderful.

The inscription on the Statue of Liberty:

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore,
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

“Give me your tired, your rich,
your old worn out aging stars yearning for one more year of play,
The wretched refuse of your teeming roster
Send these, the over-the-hill and injured to me.
I lift my lamp beside our locker room door!”

Bill Hammel, of Indianapolis offers
James Monroe - Monroe C. Gutman, Harvard grad, investment banker, person for whom the Monroe C. Gutman Library at the Harvard Graduate School of Education is named after. Craig Aamlie of Minneapolis, Minnesota:
”As for presidential last names as first names, Munro Leaf was the author of the heartwarming stories of Ferdinand the Bull. Munro is an alternate spelling of Monroe.”

Craig, I would accept Munro Leaf but since I already have a Monroe, I won’t.

Here’s another one from Craig:
“Millard Fillmore -- There was a Corporal Philmore Polk killed in Korea in 1952.
There was a comedian name Philmore Leonard from Council Bluffs, IA. He joined Dr. Belcher's Kickapoo Indian Medicine Show in 1897. He later made three very popular movies; ‘Tramp Tramp Tramp’ (1926), ‘The Strong Man’ (1926), and ‘Long Pants’ (1927). And finally there is a porn actor named Filmore Butthead. He has also made three movies; ‘Mission Impenetrable’, ‘Down in the Bush’, and ‘Big Boating Bonanza’.”

Craig, I will not accept Philmore Polk, nor will I accept Philmore Leonard, but I will gladly accept Filmore Butthead.

From Jeffrey T. Spoeri from Erickson Hall at Michigan State University.
For Benjamin Harrison: Apollo 17 astronaut and one-term U.S. senator (from N.M.) Harrison Schmitt.

Jason and Darin Brown of Arlington, Texas:
BENJAMIN HARRISON and PGA Golfer Harrison Frazar, who recently lost the Sony Open in a playoff to Ernie Els.

Ben Arbour joins in with:
Lincoln Chafee, Senator from Rhode Island and Lincoln Kennedy, Offensive Lineman, Oakland Raiders
For Rutherford B. Hayes: “My grandfather's favorite architect is named Hays Towne.

Dennis Dockins of Centerville, Ohio knocks on the door:
“My dad had an uncle named Monroe. He wasn't really famous though.
My oldest son had a pre-school buddy named Harrison something-or-other whose claim to fame was he participated in motorcross races when he was 5 years old. He was riding a motorcycle and my kid couldn't even ride a bike without training wheels.

Dennis, thanks for your dad’s Uncle Monroe, but I can’t accept it since he doesn’t quite fit the rank of celebrity, but I will accept Harrison Something-or-other.

And this just in: My George Washington/Washington Carver has been declared no good. It’s been pointed out that Washington Carver’s name is GEORGE Washington Carver. I knew that, too, darn it. So I still need a Washington.

Alison Begany, Peekskill, New York:
Rutherford B. Hayes/Hayes Allen Jenkins – gold medal winner in skating, 1950s.

Vincent Grevemberg, Savannah:
Rutherford Hayes/Hayes Carll, singer
Herbert Hoover/“Hoover” Vacuum – gay porn star
Millard Fillmore/Fillmore Holes – gay porn star

I’m sorry, Vincent, but I won’t accept Hoover and Fillmore, but thanks for the laugh. On a more cultured level, from Mike Robinson, Chico, Texas:
Composer, Hayes Biggs
Musician Taft Jordan
Musician Polk Miller
Artist Bush Prisby
Philanthropist Johnson C. Smith

Darn it. If I had any culture I would know if Mike Robinson were lying or not.

Frank Hochstenbach writes:
Hoover Sutton, actor in the “Dead Poets Society”

Next week in the Wahoo Gazette, Americans with the first name ‘Hockstenbach.’

Dale Edwards of Greensboro, North Carolina claims to have once worked on a daily newspaper with Hayes Clemment and Taft Wireback. Hmmm, I keep going back to the old saying, “Never trust a person with two first names.”

I found the following most interesting:
From Jack Anderson of West Des Moines, Iowa:
Millard Fillmore/Dr. Phil – Jack claims Dr. Phil’s real name is Fillmore McGraw
William McKinley/Mickey Rooney – Jack claims Mickey Rooney’s real name is McKinley Rooney.
Richard Nixon/Nick Nolte – Jack claims Nick Nolte’s real name is Nixon Nolte.

And Tim Hare of Tallahassee, Florida claims:
Dwight D. Eisenhower/Howard Cosell – Tim claims Howard’s real name was Eisenhower Cosell.

I’ll be Googling over the week and if I find out Jack and Tim are lying, I will hunt them down and strangle them with the bare hands of a strong friend I bring along.

That’s it for today. So I believe if all holds up, I will still need someone for Martin Van Buren; James Buchanan; Warren Harding, and Calvin Coolidge

Michael Takasaki of Toronto offers this website for fun with names. He adds that Clinton is the 239th most frequent first name and Garfield is the 6,038th most frequent.
http://www.census.gov/genealogy/www/namesearch.html

The LATE SHOW is on hiatus next week, although I’ll be here at the office. I look forward to having time to eat lunch at my desk.
Here is a list of next week’s previously viewed programs.
MONDAY, JAN. 26: original air date – January 6, 2004; Show #2100. Jennifer Connelly, and author Christopher Paolini. Plus, the swinging scaffold.
TUESDAY, JAN. 27: original air date – December 19, 2003; Show #2096. Charlize Theron, Dave Matthews, and Jerry Springer on cape.
WEDNESDAY, JAN. 28: original air date – November 19, 2003; Show #2079. Alec Baldwin; Freddy Adu; and Cyndi Lauper.
THURSDAY, JAN. 29: original air date – January 5, 2004; Show #2099. Jennifer Aniston and Ryan Adams. Plus, Will It Explode; and Dave’s photos from Baghdad.
FRIDAY, JAN. 30: original air date – January 8, 2004; Show #2102. Nathan Lane; and Ruben Studdard.

Check your Wahoo archives and make plans accordingly.