Dave is still having fun with the Howard Dean speech from Monday night, as is just about every morning radio show and late night talk show host. Last night while taking a quick look-see of Kimmel, I saw the exact same Howard Dean head explosion we had on the LATE SHOW.

LATE SHOW UNFAIR EDIT: From last night’s State of the Union Address. We see the President saying, “In two weeks / members of / my administration, and this congress / will be / in a prison cell.”

It’s a new segment on the LATE SHOW, it’s “Ignored by the President.” While departing after his speech, the President is greeted by many well-wishers and supporters. One elderly man reaches to shake the President’s hand while saying, “Really good speech. Really nice job.” The President makes no acknowledgement, reaching over the man’s head to shake the hand of others.

And in another LATE SHOW Unfair Edit: “I want you and your families to know: / I can / read and do math at the third grade level.”

CBS MAILBAG: helping tonight in the presentation of the night’s letters is Dave’s assistant Monti. Tonight, Monti is dressed as a New York Knick. She is adorned with Allan Houston’s jersey, #20.
LETTER #1: From Martin Brouwer of New Zealand:
“Hey Dave, Have you made any New Years resolutions?”
Dave admits to not really being a great believer in New Years resolutions, but our friend Rupert Jee likes them. Did Rupert make a resolution for 2004? We see Rupert who says he has, though it’s been a real struggle for him. Rupert rubs his chin, which is the universal sign for memory sequence. We drift to Rupert slicking some turkey for a sandwich. Unfortunately, he drops a slice of the turkey onto the ground. Rupert picks up the filthy fowl slice and contemplates putting it onto the sandwich. We can hear Rupert thinking to himself, “No! I said I’m not going to do that anymore. It’s just not right.” We are relieved to see Rupert NOT putting the slice of dirty turkey onto the sandwich. But then Rupert turns to a brewing pot of soup and tosses the turkey into the soup. He hear, “Ahh, but it’ll be okay in the soup.”

LETTER #2: Before presenting letter #2, Monti displays her talent of spinning a basketball on her finger.
From Mark Costello of Victoria, British Columbia:
“After a long week, what do you do to unwind?”
Dave says he likes to watch the football and with Super Bowl 38 on the way, he’s excited and looks forward to spending the day in front of the TV. The big game is between the New England Patriots and the Carolina Panthers one it so happens one of our staff member is a diehard Carolina Panther fan. From North Carolina, it’s Tom Vernon. The camera cuts to the side door as we wait for the entrance of the Carolina Panther fan. Nothing. No one enters. After an awkward pause, the camera cuts back to Dave. He laughs. “I’m just kidding. There are no diehard Carolina Panther fans.”

LETTER #3: From J.R. Erickson of Bellingham, Washington:
“Dear Dave, Have you ever thought about being on a reality show?”
Dave says there are so many reality shows, it’s hard to keep up. The UPN just started a new one which aired earlier this week. Perhaps you saw the promo.

“From the UPN television network, a new reality show like no other you’ve seen! ‘Amish in the City.’
(music from “Sex and the City”)
In the first episode, just take a look at what Jeremiah gets himself into!”
Black screen – chyron and announce:
“Footage of Jeremiah riding the subway for the first time not available, in adherence with the old order prohibiting members of the Amish community from appearing in front of camera.”
“And watch the sparks fly when Eli and Samuel go head-to-head!”
Black screen – chyron and announce:
“Footage of Eli and Samuel arguing over who finished the apple butter not available”
“And you won’t want to miss what happens when one of the cast members undergoes a personal crisis.”
Black screen – chyron and announce:
“Footage of Ezekiel fretting over writhing in eternal hellfire for his all-night sex romp with the Hilton sisters not available”
“‘Amish in the City!’ Only on UPN!”

If Dave had wanted Monti to give some facts about the Knicks, she would have said such things as:
- The New York Knicks have won two NBA Championships: The first in 1970; the second in 1973.
- Knicks coach Lenny Wilkins is the winningest coach in NBA history with 1,295 victories, and also the losingest coach with 1,114 losses.
- New York Knicks scout Steve Yoder was the head coach at Ball State University from 1977-1982.
- The New York Knickerbockers are named for the style of pants worn by Dutch settlers who arrived in what is now New York in the 1600’s.
- Last year, the Knicks City Dancers appeared on the popular HBO series, “Sex and the City.”

But Dave wasn’t interested in hearing facts about the Knicks.

And to finish the ACT 1, we do one more LATE SHOW Unfair Edit: “Because of / the work of / America’s intelligence personnel, / two months ago, / Vice President Cheney / was found in a fox hole.”

KRISTIN DAVIS: She’s Charlotte on the HBO “Sex and the City Show.” You know, Charlotte, the dark-haired nice one. The show is in its 6th or 7th year and I just learned it’s a half-hour program and not an hour. I remember watching not too long ago and within 5 minutes the word “sex” was mentioned 15 times, but ‘city’? Not once. I don’t get it. Kristin spent the New Year quietly in Aspen. And did you hear she’s married and now living in England? Yeah, it’s true. True, that is, if you depended on the tabloids for all your news. Kristin says she does know a gentleman friend who hales from Britain but there is no relationship going on. She and he were at an HBO function, photos were taken of the two of them, and the rumors started. She partly blames herself because when confronted with such questions about the chap, she plays coy and evasive because she believes her personal life is just that, person. The tabloids take that as if she’s trying to hide something and then run with it. It’s not true, but if it sells papers, go with it.

Kristin is quite sad that Sex and the City is in its final season. She’s hoping for a Sex and the City movie but she thinks she may be the only one who’s hoping. Hey, if they can’t get together for a “Sex and the City” movie, maybe Kristin, Cynthia Nixon, Kim Cattrall, and Sarah Jessica Parker can make a new “Charlie’s Angels” flick. Instead of disarming the bad guys and beating them up, they can really hurt the criminals by trapping them in a relationship.
Sex and the City – Sunday nights at 9:00 on the HBO. There are only 5 episodes left.

JOE SIMPSON: Wow. Every now and then we get a story like this and Dave does a fantastic job of painting the picture and allowing the story to unfold in a fascinating way.
Joe Simpson is an accomplished mountain climber and back in 1985, he and his friend Simon decided to scale a 21,000 foot mountain in the Peruvian Andes. It had never been done before. We see video of the ice-covered mountain as Joe describes the terrain and the dangers involved in such a climb. It took 3 days to make the ascent. The hard part was yet to come. What most do not know is the descent is when 80% of all accidents occur. On top of that, a storm rolled in just before they were about to start the climb down making the conditions all the more dangerous. While slowly making their way down, Joe fell about 15 feet and the bones in his lower leg were driven up through his knee joint. At this point the audience groaned in response to the terrible fall. Dave looks at them and says, “Please, folks, this is nothing. You’re gonna have to suck it up, ladies and gentlemen.” I laughed.
Both Simon and Joe realized at this point that they would both be lucky to get out of this alive. They had no food. They had no water.
Simon and Joe then devised a plan where they would tie their 150-foot ropes end-to-end to create a 300-foot line. Joe would climb down the rope as far as he could and when safe and secure, Joe would follow. They did this about 10 times, good for about 3,000 feet. They still had a long way to go. Joe then went down again, but this time when he reached the end of the 300-foot rope, there was no place to rest. He was left over a cliff, hanging and swinging in the breeze. Joe could do nothing but hang on, climbing back up being impossible. Pulling him up equally as impossible He held on for as long as he could, about an hour. Simon, as hard as it is to imagine, did what a mountain climber is supposed to do in that situation; he cut the rope and let Joe fall to his presumed death. Joe said that Simon did exactly what he should. Joe fell about 150 feet before landing in a crevasse. Joe had no where to go. He couldn’t climb up due to his injury and the nature of the slope. After panicking, losing it, crying, and screaming throughout the night, Joe decided to descend deeper into the crevasse. Dave described this decision as counter-intuitive, going against everything you would think to be right. You don’t want to go INTO the crevasse, you want to escape it, but there was no escape going out. Joe’s only hope was there was another path and a way out deeper into the crevasse. Luckily for Joe, there was a way out. His joy was soon abated when he realized his trek was just beginning. He had to make it back to basecamp, and if he did make it, would Simon even be there? After 3 days, Joe made it back to camp at 3:00 AM. Simon was prepared to leave at 6:00 AM. Joe made it by 3 hours.
Of course, hearing Joe’s words describe the ordeal was, again, fascinating. Dave brought out what he was thinking all along the way and why some things were done. Joe emphasized he knew the dangers going in to the climb and how Simon did what he had to do to survive, and Simon’s survival enabled Joe to survive. This Friday the documentary covering this ordeal, Touching the Void, will be released in selected cities. I’ve heard very good things about it.

It was a fascinating story, well worth the ACT 3, 4, and 6 it covered.

ACT 5: It’s time once again for ‘This Date in Late Show History.’ Can you guess what happened on this date in LATE SHOW history in the year 1996? (January 21, 1996) If you said, ‘nothing,’ you’re right! January 21st, 1996 was a Sunday. Late Show offices were closed.
This has been ‘This Date in Late Show History.’
Thanks for watching and drive safely.”

And that was our show for Wednesday, January 21, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

The Howard Dean meltdown seemed worse on the radio than it did on TV. It looked as if he was just having some fun. He was laughing at the end, not showing anger, but everyone will be knocking him for that performance. And we wonder why politicians are so afraid to go off script or act natural during the campaign?

SNAPPLE UNDER-THE-CAP FUN FACT OF THE DAY – followed by a humorous comment:
#124: “Seals sleep only one and a half minutes at a time.” -- and now the humorous comment: “What do you expect with all that honking go on?”

Yesterday I mentioned the movie starring Rosie Grier and Ray Milland as a two-head, one white/one black, guy. Fellow fan of the cinematic delight is Dave Matolak of Athens, Ohio:

”Glad to hear that someone else reveres that movie with Rosey Grier and Ray Milland. The title is ‘The Thing with Two Heads.’ By the way, the ‘doctor’ in that movie was Roger Perry (who has a first name as a last name, e.g., Perry Como, one of my mom's faves).”

Dan Graham of Denver, Colorado:
“Regarding Presidential Names:
Bill Clinton / Denver Broncos Running Back Clinton Portis
Insert your own joke about "scoring" here.

rom Paul Nager of Dallas, Texas:
- Ronald Reagan, Reagan Upshaw (NY writer/poet/critic). I think you're going to have trouble with Nixon and Eisenhower....” I think we all did.

From Mike Zazworsky of Nashville, Tennessee
“More on the Presidents last names as first names...I believe Linda Blair's character's name in ‘The Exorcist’ was Reagan.”

Yes, Mike, Linda Blair was named “Reagan”, but she was a fictional character; make believe. Sorry, but I cannot accept your answer.

From Mike Zazworsky of Nashville, Tennessee:
“Hot damn, I thought of another...d'you remember a show from the 80's called ‘Too Close For Comfort’? It starred Ted Knight...anyhow, Jim J. Bullock played the annoying neighbor, and his name was Monroe...here's to you, James Monroe, 5th president of the U.S.A...gone, but not forgotten...”

Dammit, Zazworsky, I thought I told you I do not accept fictional characters. Now get off my phone!

From Andrew Parkes of Albuquerque, New Mexico:
- Presidents names
US Grant - (Grant Tinker)
Bill Clinton - (Clinton Portis – running back for the Denver Broncos.)

And finally, Paul Smolarcik of Washington, DC
“For your last name/first name game. There was President James Garfield. He goes with Garfield Heard the basketball player. Also, Garfield the Cat (one name, so it counts as his first name.)

I’ll accept Garfield Heard. I will not accept Garfield the Cat.

President update: yesterday I listed Woodrow Wilson/Wilson Dooley as a match. I was wrong. It was Dooley Wilson, not Wilson Dooley who was the piano player in Casablanca. It would have been a match if our 27th President were Woodrow Dooley.

So this is what we have so far:
1. GEORGE WASHINGTON – Washington Carver
2. JOHN ADAMS – Adam West, TV’s Batman
3. THOMAS JEFFERSON – Jefferson Davis
4. JAMES MADISON – The “Madison” in every first grade class in the country
5. JAMES MONROE
6. JOHN QUINCY ADAMS – Adam Corolla, “The Man Show”
7. ANDREW JACKSON – Jackson Pollok
8. MARTIN VAN BUREN
9. WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON – Harrison Ford
10. JOHN TYLER – Tyler Houston, baseball player
11. JAMES POLK
12. ZACHARY TAYLOR – The “Taylor” in every second grade class in America
13. MILLARD FILLMORE
14. FRANKLIN PIERCE – Pierce Brosnan
15. JAMES BUCHANAN
16. ABRAHAM LINCOLN – Linkin Park; and Linc from “Mod Squad”
17. ANDREW JOHNSON
18. ULYSSES S. GRANT – Grant Paulsen and Grant Tinker
19. RUTHERHOOD B. HAYES
20. JAMES A. GARFIELD – Garfield Heard, basketball player
21. CHESTER ARTHUR – Arthur Kelly, 12th floor receptionist, LATE SHOW
22. GROVER CLEVELAND – Cleveland Rollins, my junior high school friend; and writer Cleveland Amory
23. BENJAMIN HARRISON
24. WILLIAM McKINLEY
25. THEODORE ROOSEVELT – Roosevelt Grier, star of The Thing With Two Heads
26. WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT
27. WOODROW WILSON – singer Wilson Pickett
28. WARREN HARDING 29. CALVIN COOLIDGE – I think Coolidge from The White Shadow was the guy’s last name. Plus, he’s fictional. No good.
30. HERBERT HOOVER
31. FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT – Roosevelt Bowie, Syracuse basketball, around 1980.
32. HARRY TRUMAN – Truman Capote
33. DWIGHT D. EISENHOWER
34. JOHN F. KENNEDY – Kennedy from MTV
35. LYNDON BAINES JOHNSON
36. RICHARD NIXON
37. GERALD FORD – Ford Frick, major league baseball commissioner
38. JIMMY CARTER – Carter Bays, former LATE SHOW writer
39. RONALD REAGAN – Reagan Upshaw, NY writer, poet, critic
40. GEORGE BUSH
41. BILL CLINTON – Clint Eastwood
42. GEORGE W. BUSH

We still have some openings. What’cha got?