Want to become a politician? It’s easy. Dave learned all one needs to know by watching John Kerry the other day on Tim Russert’s Meet the Press. No matter what Russert would ask, John Kerry would answer, “Let me tell you something, Tim, I served in the United States military, and it doesn’t matter what shape I’m in. What is important is the American people.”
- But what about the job Bush is doing. “Let me tell you something, Tim. I served in the United States military, and it doesn’t matter what Bush is doing. What is important is the people of the great state of Iowa.”
- What do you think of our military in Iraq? “Let me tell you something, Tim. I served in the United States military, and it doesn’t matter what I think. What matters is the American people.”

Apparently it worked, as John Kerry won out at the Iowa Caucuses.

The Iowa Caucuses are confusing to most Americans. It’s a system unlike any other’s state. Iowa ran a public service announcement to help explain just how it works.
After the 3-pronged process is explained, the final step is revealed.
4. And finally, that nominee loses to Bush in a landslide.
Get it?

LATE SHOW UNFAIR EDIT – We find Howard Dean claiming, “I’m gay.”

A LOOK AT THE POLLS: America is “Poll Crazy” . . . . ask anyone.
- 42% agree with the policy of “No Child Left Behind”
- 100% agree with the policy of “No Child Left With That Crocodile Hunter”
- 82% plan to vote for the next American Idol
- 9% plan to vote for the next American President.

Dave is bummed that his Indianapolis Colts lost this weekend. He blames the Patriots for being nothing but a bunch of bullies.

- 71% support health care reform
- 22% get their pills from Rush Limbaugh’s housekeeper
- 100% enjoys cookies
- 12% think Dennis Kucinich would make a good president.
- 97% think Dennis Kucinich would make a good Keebler elf
- 50% feel safer with Saddam Hussein behind bars
- 90% would feel safer with Michael Jackson behind bars

Before getting to the ACT 2, Dave phones one of his assistants, Monti. She’s one happen’ lady. What did she do this weekend? Monti says she went to a rock concert. “It as a terrible band,” says Monti. Dave offers, “Well by all means please mention the name of the band.” Monti declines. Dave wonders, “Were you doing the hullabaloo?” “The froog?” “The Hully Gully?” “Were you thrown in a mosh pit?” Monti answers, “No” to all those. But Dave’s got dancing on the mind. Dave orders up a camera crew up to his office to watch Monti dance like her old boyfriend. LATE SHOW viewers are familiar the dance: bend forward at the waist and drop your arms straight down. When the music starts, shift one shoulder up and the other down, then back and back again and again until the music stops. Monti winces but agrees to dance for Dave and America.
I once named the dance, “The Franklin” after a similar dance performed by Franklin in the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. Upon viewing the special last month, I realize it’s not quite “The Franklin.” I am renaming the dance, “The Old Boyfriend.”

Dave has said in the past the best thing about the LATE SHOW, night in and night out, is Paul and the band. Tonight Dave added another favorite: the coffee!

TOP TEN: Reasons I’ll Make A Good Talk Show Host – And here to present tonight’s top ten list, a member of the International Tennis Hall of Fame and the host of his very own primetime talk show, John McEnroe
His hour-long talk show will premiere in the Spring on CNBC at 10:00 PM.
John McEnroe is the winner of 7 Grand Slam Singles Championships, including 3 Wimbledons.
He was the #1 player in the world 4 times (1981-1984)
#10. You’ll never know when I’ll go nuts and beat a guest with a tennis racquet.
#8. It’s on CNBC – it they get ten viewers, they’re happy
#7. If Bush can make a halfway decent President, anything is possible.
#5. Uhhh, you may recall a little hit show I hosted on ABC called “The Chair”
#1. I’m willing to have a baby to boost ratings.

Back from commercial, we go back to Monti. Dave says, “I want it to go beyond the realm of human embarrassment.” The music starts, and so does Monti. After a few moments, Monti stops. Dave admonishes, “No one said ‘stop.’”

JESSICA SIMPSON AND NICK LACHEY:
They’re the hot new couple on MTV’s Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica. It’s sort of like The Osbournes but with prettier people. The 2nd season premieres Wednesday night. A camera follows these crazy kids around 24/7 as Nick and Jessica live through the trials and tribulations of their first year of marriage. Yikes. They both agree the mess ups and disagreements make for the best part of the show. Jessica also has a new line of edible cosmetics. She squirts some cream on her arm and asks Dave, “Would it be OK if you licked it off me?” A delighted but concerned Dave exclaims, “Well, ask your husband!” Jessica offers her arm to Dave, who then gobbles up the yummy whipped cream. A very happy Dave says to Nick, “Whooooaa! That’s some wife you got there!” I’m still not sure how this is a cosmetic.

POTATOES OR GAVIN MACLEOD? Behind the scrim in the mystery box are potatoes or Gavin MacLeod. It is up to Dave and Paul to decide which it is. And what are we playing for tonight? Alan announces, “Dave, it’s a Sony Dream Machine clock/radio.
Paul believes the mystery box contains potatoes, since Mr. MacLeod lives on the west coast and it would be silly to fly him all the way in to participate in something like “Potatoes or Gavin MacLeod.” Dave believes it MUST be Gavin MacLeod, or why else would we play it again? This is our third time playing “Potatoes or Gavin MacLeod” and the first two times it was potatoes. This time it must be Gavin. The ladies open the Mystery Box and we find . . . . . Gavin MacLeod! And he’s dressed in his captain’s uniform!
Alan announce: “Gavin MacLeod was born in Mount Kisco, New York and played Murray Slaughter on ‘The Mary Tyler Moore Show.’”

Of course, Gavin MacLeod also played Captain Stubing on Love Boat. And he also was “Happy” Haines on McHale’s Navy.

ACT 5: Joining Stephanie is Mr. John McEnroe dancing “The Old Boyfriend.”

AL GREEN: He’s a member of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and a 10-time Grammy Award winner. From his new CD, I Can’t Stop, Al Green performed “Rainin’ In My Heart.” I like the Al Green.

To finish off the show, Monti, John McEnroe, and Gavin MacLeod dance “The Old Boyfriend.”

And that was our show for Monday January 19, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

What is the Iowa Caucus? Everybody pretends to know, but outside Iowa, and probably inside Iowa, no body really knows. After a quick bit of research I came up with this.
1. 6:30 PM – caucuses convene (a meeting of similar thinkers) – A caucus may consist of a dozen people or up to several hundred. The meeting may take place in a person’s home or in a big auditorium.
2. Letters from the candidates are read and nominating papers circulated.
3. 7:00 PM – the gathering separates into groups of the candidate of their choice
4. If any candidates doesn’t not achieve at least 15% of the total group, that candidate’s supporters must realign themselves with a new candidate
5. Delegates are apportioned based on the realigned preference groups
6. Cookies and coffee is served.

Do you notice something about the top 3 finishers in the Iowa Caucus?
1. John Kerry
2. John Edwards
3. Howard Dean

That’s right! They each have a first name as a last name. And now a list of United States Presidents who have had a first name as a last name.

John Adams
Thomas Jefferson (Jefferson Davis)
James Madison
John Quincy Adams
Andrew Jackson (Jackson Brown)
William Henry Harrison (Harrison Ford)
John Tyler (see any first grade class)
Zachary Taylor (see any first grade class)
Franklin Pierce (Pierce Brosnan)

You know what? There’s been a whole lot of Presidents with a first name as a last name. Unless their last name became an accepted first name after their being elected.

Abraham Lincoln (Linkin Park)
Ulysses S. Grant (Grant Paulsen)
Chester Arthur (Arthur the aardvark)
Grover Cleveland (I knew a kid in junior high school named Clevelend Rollins)
Benjamin Harrison
Theodore Roosevelt (Roosevelt Leaks)
Woodrow Wilson (Wilson Dooley)
Franklin Roosevelt (Roosevelt Bowie)
Harry S Truman (Truman Capote)
John F. Kennedy (that Kennedy chick who used to be on MTV)
Jimmy Carter (former LATE SHOW writer Carter Bays)

Well, that took longer than I expected.

Let me be the 1000th to say it: The NFC and AFC Championship games can be summed up in one sentence – “Too many Manning interceptions.”

You can add Carolina coach John Fox to the list of coaches who the New York Giants let slip away to lead their team to the Super Bowl, a list which includes Patriot’s Bill Belichick and two guys named Landry and Lombardi.

I didn’t watch too much of either game yesterday. New York received a bunch of snow and I was shoveling all day. Plus, my 8-year-old twin girls wanted a fort built to keep the boys away. I built it with pleasure, knowing I’ll be building it on my own in a few years for the same reason.

I was watching the last minute of the North Carolina Tar Heels/UConn Huskies basketball game on Saturday. The Tar Heels defeated the #1 Huskies in Carolina. After the final second ticked off, the elated fans stormed the court. The announcer yells out, “Look at the bedlam on the court!” I would have liked to but due to only close-ups provided by the director, we couldn’t see it. The overuse of close-ups in all televised sporting events is like watching a game through the center of a roll of paper towels.

San Francisco 49er quarterback Jeff Garcia was arrested recently for drunk driving while at a Jack-in-the-Box at 2:00 in the morning. Arrested for DUI at a Jack-in-the-Box at 2:00 AM -- isn’t that like shooting fish in a barrel?

Did you read about the Staten Island, New York doctor who forced Beatle-legend George Harrison while on his deathbed to autograph his son’s guitar? It’s been estimated the guitar could fetch over $400,000. Now it’s been reported that the doctor is also trying to sell a baseball bat that has a water stain from Ted Williams’ melted head.

Hey, take a moment and check out the Bob Borden website at www.bobborden.com. His diary is a real treat to read, somehow making his boring life sound quite interesting. Here’s a little from last week: ”I think that's all I have today. I have to start shopping for the best return policies on big-screen TV's for my annual Superbowl party this year. I'm looking into setting a new size record by "purchasing" a 60-inch set. You have to set goals, otherwise what's the point?” Bob Borden at www.bobborden.com. He could use the hit.