How cold is it? We take the camera outside to take a look at the MONY thermometer. It reads 9 degrees.
It’s freezing ice cold outside today. To show just how freezing and just how icy and just how cold, Dave asks our head carpenter Harold Larkin to open the doors to the outside so we can have a look see. The strong and mighty Harold opens the door to find penguins milling about. The imposing Mr. Larkin takes one look and screams, “Holy crap! Penguins! Run for your lives!” Harold runs away like a scaredy cat.
That Harold sure ain’t no Steve Irwin.

It’s something new: It’s Foreigners Tell Jokes: We’ve invited comedians from across the world to come on our show to tell a joke in their native tongue. Or maybe we just found some people in town who know a foreign language and were willing to tell a joke for money. You make the call.
First up is a gentleman from Japan: Speaking in Japanese, he delivers the joke wonderfully, adding emphasis where needed, holding back when called for. Splendid. Dave translates the joke for those of you unschooled in the language of Japanese. "Someone stole my credit cards, but I haven't reported it. The thief spends less than my wife!" Following the rim shot, Paul provides “comic music.”

Late Show Unfair Edit: Tonight’s episode - Arnold Schwarzenegger: "I'm a movie star with the leadership talent of a mastodon frozen in time.” FOX has another one of those reality shows that are polluting the polluted television medium. Did you see the promo?

"If you liked hearing Jessica Simpson saying stupid things on 'The Newlyweds,' or watching Paris and Nicole doing stupid things on 'The Simple Life,' then you've gotta tune in to FOX's new reality show, in which we follow a bumbling fish out of water thrust into a job that's way over his head. FOX’s 'The President' (we see a clip of the President spitting presidentially) starts next Tuesday"

Doctor phones patient: “I’ve got some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is you’ve only got 24 hours to live.” The patient says, “Oh no! What could possibly be worse than that?” The doctor says, “I’ve been trying to get in touch with you since yesterday.”
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that thing?

It’s time for a new segment, entitled “George W. Bush Genius” – We find the President giving a speech at NASA headquarters in Washington, D.C. “I want to thank those of you listening . . . by video.”
“Listening by video” – Paul, the real genius, asks, “Was that an unfair edit?” There was a big laugh from this corner. Very funny, that Paul.
When I saw Dave introducing the “George W. Bush Genius” clip, I almost expect a blank screen, and then the words, “No Such Video.”

A Day in the Life of Michael Jackson: Everyone wants to know “What’s up with Michael?” so we followed him around to found out.
9:00 AM – Calls Latoya’s Psychic Hotline. He’s told his future is 30 years in maximum security.
The audience reaction to the joke could best be described as zip, nada, zilch, zots. Dave, sensing where this piece is headed, places all the cards down on the desk and says, “And then he went back to bed.” Dave is done with A Day in the Life of Michael Jackson. Through Paul’s urging, Dave decides to continue.
10:00 AM – Send flowers to plastic surgeon for helping him look great in his mug shot.
Not much better. I’m surprised the audience isn’t clapping simply to keep warm.
10:30 AM – Sells a case of his camel’s medication to Rush Limbaugh.
Thinking that perhaps the audience didn’t get the joke, Dave explains how and why Rush Limbaugh might be interested in medication meant for a camel.
11:00 AM – Michael begs his dear friend Liza to help him by beating up the prosecutors.
1:00 PM – Michael puts the Elephant Man’s skeleton in the passenger seat so his car so he can drive in the carpool lane.
There is no saving this piece. Dave concludes with, “Then he grabs a quick lunch and goes back to bed.” That’s it. This piece is laid to rest, putting it out of its misery. Unfortunately, our memory won’t allow us to be free of the misery.

Foreigners Tell Jokes #3:
From Estonia, this woman tells her joke in Estonian (I guess). I liked her delivery; soft, sweet, and clear. Dave reads the translation:
"A man dies. At the gates of heaven, Saint Peter says he's led a good life, but he must answer one question before he can be admitted. The question is: ‘What was the very first thing Eve said to Adam?’ The guy says, 'Oh, that's a hard one.' Saint Peter replies, 'You're right! Go on in.'" Rim shot from the CBS Orchestra. We get a shot of the foreigner from Estonia, who looks flummoxed, startled, and has a bit of the anger. Lip readers can see her say something like “That wasn’t the joke.” She turns and marches off. We go back to Dave who is filled with laughter. Dave did read the wrong joke. Dave says he was only trying to help. Dave then reads the actual joke:
"The doctor phones a patient. 'I've got some good news and some worse news. The bad news is: you've only got 24 hours to live.' The patient says, 'Oh no, what could possibly be worse than that?!' Says the doctor, 'I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.'" Rimshot.
I’ve heard that joke many times, yet it still works for me. It’s like hearing an old familiar song.

Back from commercial, we try our 4th installment of Foreigners Tell Jokes.
From Sri Lanka: "What did the elephant say to the naked man? 'How do you breathe through that thing?!'” Rimshot.
I think the Foreigners did well. I liked their jokes and they told them well. Perhaps someday I’ll write the Wahoo in a foreign language, even more foreign than I usually do.

It’s something brand new here at the LATE SHOW. It’s something we call “Mars or Nevada?” We show a live shot of the surface of Mars or Nevada, and Paul and Dave discuss if the shot is of Mars or Nevada. We see a shot of a lonely, barren wasteland. Paul says due to the greenish tint, he believes it is a live shot of Nevada. Dave has to agree. They both agree it’s Nevada. Alan? In his great game show voice, he bellows, “It’s Nevada!”
Dave admits, “That’s as big a waste of time I have even been a part of.” He wonders how anybody could think it was Mars since the surface was green. We should have found something more red in hue, such as Mexico or Arizona.

Hopefully we’ll play this again.

TOP TEN: AL ROKER EXPLANATIONS FOR WHY IT’S SO COLD – And here to present tonight’s top ten list: Al Roker!
#8. “With a Kucinich presidency still a slight possibility, hell is beginning to freeze over.”
#7. “Who cares about the weather – don’t I look great!”
#1. “It’s January, you pantywaists – GET OVER IT!”

DAVE CHAPPELLE: Dave has his very own show on the Comedy Central, Wednesday night at 10:30. It’s entitled, Chappelle’s Show. Dave came with some good stuff and had me laughing throughout. We hear about his vacation in Puerto Rico, life on a farm in Ohio, the summer blackout, and his considering attending an anti-war rally and why he didn’t go.

The temperature has dropped to 6 degrees, down 3 since the top of the show.

CARMEN ELECTRA: Carmen has her very own show on the MTV, Wednesday night at 10:30. It’s a mini-series reality show called, Til Death Do Us Part: Carmen & Dave. The Dave here is Dave Navarro, guitarist for Jane’s Addiction and the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Carmen also a new set . . . of DVDs entitled, Carmen Electra’s Aerobic Striptease. We see a clip. I’m not sure how tough the routines are. The exercise we saw was of Carmen taking 5 minutes to sit down in a chair. She counted off the exercise of sitting down by 8’s. 1 -2 -3 - 4 -5 – 6 - 7 – 8 - and sit. My exercise routine goes like this: “1 and sit and reach and click and click and click and click and ahhhhh, football game.”

And that was our show for Thursday January 16, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

How cold is it?

It was so cold, in Central Park the squirrels were roasting their nuts.

It was so cold, in Central Park the squirrels were rubbing their nuts.

It was so cold, the Statue of Liberty was sitting on her torch.

To get out of the cold, tourists were actually going to “Taboo.”

It was so cold, 5 more Yankees signed with the Houston Astros.

It was so cold, I saw a doorman not putting his hand out.

It was so cold, I saw a taxi cab wearing a turban.

It was so cold, the New York Knicks . . . well, they lost. I guess it doesn’t matter what the weather.