Dave wants to see the Donald Trump hair clip once again, being such a fan of the flip the Donald has going in the back. It really is magical. And then we see the Donald telling someone on his new show, "The Apprentice," "You're fired."

It's time for another Late Show Unfair Edit. Tonight we feature the President, George W. Bush.

CBS MAILBAG - and assisting tonight on the CBS Mailbag is our friend Monti, who is dressed as a heart surgeon. And why is Monti dressed as a heart surgeon? Because this is the 4th anniversary of Dave's Quintuple Bypass. Prior to each letter presentation, Monti offers a fact about the heart and/or bypass surgery.

LETTER #1: From Gary Clifford of Limerick, Ireland
"Dave, know any good limericks?"
Dave is delighted that the limerick question came from someone from Limerick, Ireland, but adds he's never been a fan of the limericks. Alan, our announcer Alan Kalter ladies and gentleman, interrupts and says he loves a good limerick, and he took the liberty of writing a special one for Gary. Dave offers Alan the floor.
"There once was a dumb Irishman named 'Gary'
Whose girlfriend was rather scary.
She had a face like a beast
And was covered in fleas,
With a lip that's all fuzzy and . . ." Suddenly, Gary from Limerick comes rushing in and begins to bat Alan over the head with a shillelagh. Alan tumbles off his perch, withering in pain as he falls to the ground. A now satisfied Gary from Limerick exits.

Dave points out that he knew Gary was from Ireland because he was carrying a shillelagh.

LETTER #2: From Mikki Dowling of Naples, Florida
"Dear Dave, Your hair always looks real soft. I wonder what type of conditioner you use."
Dave is surprised someone would think his hair to be soft, and admits he's probably the last guy anyone should be asking about hair care. But all is not lost since our building engineer George Clarke is a real champion of quality grooming. George agrees, and says he recently put together a public service announcement. We see the clip. ART CARD: "George Clarke's Hair-Care Tips."
We find George naked in a shower.

GEORGE: "Proper hair-care is a vital part of any beauty regimen. First, wet hair thoroughly." (George puts his head under the running shower)
"Next, squeeze a quarter-sized amount of vitamin-enriched shampoo in your palm." (George rubs and scrubs the shampoo into his hair)

Freeze frame on George washing his hair: Announcer: "All right, America! It's time for you to c
hoose what happens next! If you'd like George to continue with his hair care tips, text message 0001 on your cell phone now.
If you'd like George to get electrocuted by a loose camera wire, text message 0002.
If you'd like former NBA star Manute Bol to join George in the shower, text message 0003."

Cut to young man viewing at home: "Wow! Manute Bol!" The young man quickly grabs his cell phone and punches in 0003.

Cut back to George washing his hair. After a beat, 7 foot, 7 inch Manute Bol enters.

GEORGE: "Hey, Manute."

Manute enters shower with George: "Tight squeeze, huh?"

Dave says, "I think Manute was also carrying a shillelagh."

LETTER #3: Before reading the blue card for Letter #3, we see Dave casually flipping through the cards over and over, as if in search of something. I feel my body go into panic mode as I can't imagine what he is looking for. I yell, "Letter #3! Letter #3! Does he have Letter #3?" And then, just as casually, Dave "finds" Letter #3 and reads. I feel as if I was being made sport of.
From James Spencer of San Angelo, Texas:
"Hey Dave, who do you like better, Superman or Batman?"
Dave says he gets that question a lot, but is more interested in real-life heroes. He brings this up because one of his real-life heroes is with us tonight. Dave introduces his third-grade teacher, Mrs. Helene Willis, who is sitting in the audience. The camera zeroes in on Mrs. Willis. Dave sings his praises.
"This woman, when everything in my life seemed to be going wrong, the other teachers had given up on me, believed against all the evidence that I could learn, and I could make something of myself. And after school, on her own time, she . . . . uhhh, you know what? I'm sorry. I'm going with Batman!"

The camera widens to find Batman sitting next to Dave's third grade teacher, Mrs. Helene Willis. Batman jumps in jubilation and enthusiastically skips out the back of the theater, proud to be Dave's favorite superhero.

LETTER #4: From Derek Allred of Cincinnati, Ohio
"Hey Dave, Have you ever hit the lottery?"
Dave says he hasn't but decided to bring in someone who is an expert on the subject, Pete Rose. Pete Rose enters, looking very similar to others who have entered from the right. Pete enters throwing casino chips to the audience.
PETE: "Didn't your mama tell you - always bet on black! Let it ride, baby!"
DAVE: "How can you spend 14 years denying that you bet on baseball and then suddenly admit it just to sell a book?"
PETE: "Dave, there's a very simple explanation - I'm a lying scumbag."

A boxer enters. Pete Rose unfolds a wad of bills and peels off a few into the hand of the boxer. The boxer exits.

DAVE: "Uhh, who was that, Pete?"
PETE: "The paperboy."
DAVE: "I see. Do you think the Commissioner of baseball, Bud Selig, will allow you in the Hall of Fame?"
PETE: "Dave, I had a very interesting meeting with Commissioner Selig last week at the Bellagio. Take a look."

-see clip of Pete Rose and disheveled Bud Selig at a casino poker table. They are flanked by a couple of very pretty floozies. Harness racing jockies are in the background. Selig says, "I see your $20 . . . and I raise you the Montreal Expos!" Selig lets out a hoot.
Back LIVE to Pete Rose, we find him paying off a football player in a Philadelphia Eagle uniform.

PETE: (to the football player) "Remember, you guys gotta lose by 3 or it's no deal." Player exits.
DAVE: "Pete, it seems the growing consensus is you're a lying bastard who can't be trusted and people don't' want to see you back in baseball."
PETE: "I'm sorry, Dave, I believe you're describing Roger Clemens." Rim shot. To the audience - "I'll see you losers at the dog track!"

Pete exits.

And that was mailbag for tonight.

In no particular order, here are the facts presented by Monti.
HEART AND BYPASS FACTS
-The heart is about the size of your fist and it beats 100,000 times a day
-In an average lifetime, the heart beats around 2.5 billion times
-Open-heart surgery has become the most common major surgery in the United States, with over 500,000 operations performed a year.
-February is Heart Awareness Month
-People Who Have Had Quintuple Bypass Surgery:
Dave Letterman
Boris Yeltsin (former President of Russia)
Larry King
James Garner (of the "Rockford Files")
Lynyrd Skynyrd Guitarist, Gary Rossington

The one fun fact Stephanie did not get to: -To get to the heart during bypass surgery, the chest is cut open down the middle of the sternum. Special retractor pry the ribs apart to reveal the lungs and the heart.

I should have placed this fun fact near the top. It would have been the impetus for his joke: "During bypass surgery, how does the doctor get to your heart?" Answer: "Through your wallet.

IS THIS ANYTHING? It's a guy dressed in a Mexican shawl, wearing a sombrero, doing some ridiculous dance. Is this anything? Both Paul and Dave give it a vehement thumbs down.

TOP TEN: REASONS GEORGE W. BUSH WANTS TO PUT A MAN ON MARS
#9. It's part of his "no planet left behind" initiative.
#7. Maybe we'll find some weapons of mass destruction there
#4. We cannot back down until the people of Mars hold free elections

Back from commercial, Dave says he found out the Is This Anything guy performs at New York's Palace of Variety (42nd Street between Broadway and 6th Avenue) and charges $15 to see him perform.

BETTE MIDLER: Bette is about to start her "Kiss My Brass" tour and is promoting her new CD, "Bette Midler Sings the Rosemary Clooney Songbook." Uh oh. I usually keep quick notes during the show to use while I write the Wahoo. Many nights I finish up my writing at home and send it to Walter and Jay from there. That was my plan for Bette. I had almost everything else done and I was going to do Bette at home. I sat at the computer but decided I was too tired. I would do it tomorrow morning at work. So here I am at work right now Thursday morning and I realize I left the notes by the computer at home. So . . . .
I loved Bette Midler in "The Rose." And once in high school, a friend "borrowed" his boss's commercial van and a bunch of us went out for drinks. Deep into the night, Bette Midler's "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy" came on the van radio. I started dancing the Boogie Woogie in the van while we were stopped at a red light. When the light turned green, the driver floored it, causing me to lose my balance and fly to the back of the van. I crashed against the back double doors and they flew open. I went rolling out onto the street and saw nothing but headlights coming my way. Luckily the driver behind us wasn't listening to the same radio station because he was able to swerve and avoid me. I lived to tell about it. Just think, if tragedy struck, Bob Borden would probably be writing the Wahoo Gazette today.
From what I remember, Bette was great with Dave. She told the story of getting fired from her TV show because of her last appearance on the show. At the time, she said doing her TV show was the biggest mistake she's ever made. It was like pushing poop uphill. Well, those who made out the checks didn't take kindly to that and "Bette" was soon "on hiatus."
Let's see, what else happened? Bette is all excited about her new concert tour, "Kiss My Brass" since it's entirely her own creation. The hardest part is all the costume changes. "You're nothing in show biz if you don't have the right costume." (I probably shouldn't have put quotes around that since I'm sure it's not a direct quote, but make believe that's the way she said it.) She also says that Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera should thank her for making being clad scant fashionable. She then laughs at Britney for wearing a snake around her neck some years back. What happens when you feed it? You got a big lump in your snake and then you can't wear it. I was waiting for, "She's so dumb, when her manager told her to wear a boa, she went out and wore an actual boa."
Ummm. That's about it. I know there was more but I can't remember right now.

ACT 5: The Late Show Magic 8 Ball Answers Your Questions!
To Chris in Nebraska, the Magic 8 Ball says, 'The Outlook is good!'
To Patty in Maine, the Magic 8 Ball says, 'Hazy. Ask again later.'
And to Rich in Philadelphia, the Magic 8 Ball says, 'Yup. You're gay.'
This has been the 'Late Show Magic 8 Ball Answers Your Questions.'"

HOWIE DAY: From his CD, "Stop All The World Now," Howie Day performed "She Says."

And that was our show for Wednesday, January 14, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA!

I got nothing. It's too cold to think. Instead of doing this part before or after Wednesday's show, I'm doing this part Thursday morning. New York and the east got a double whammy this morning with snow and a deep freeze. Usually when it snows here, it's in the 20's. This morning it's snow and 3 degrees. Shoveling the snow this morning at 6:00 AM was a breeze; lighter and fluffier than ever. I was thinking of taking the bus in to work but I didn't want to wait in the cold for it. I decided to take the drive. The drive was slow and steady, never topping 25 mph.

Exciting stuff, huh?

I imagine we'll be doing lots of "It's so cold" jokes and something outside on Broadway or 53rd Street tonight. I don't really care, just as long as I'm not the one outside.

Word this morning is the New Jersey Nets have been sold to a group in Brooklyn. Many think the Nets will be moving to the New York borough in the near future. I've heard about a month ago that this would be possible and ever since I've been racking my brain trying to come up with a new team name for the Brooklyn Nets. Then I would trademark or copyright the name. If I lucked out, the new Brooklyn Nets would have to buy the name from me, sweetening the deal with season tickets for life. Sadly, I couldn't come up with anything. How about The Brooklyn Bridge

The Dodgers and Cyclones are already taken.

I'm watching Regis and Kelly as I type this. Regis is talking about our Will It Float. Gelman had suggested Regis and Kelly should do something called, "Will It Freeze" for their show today. Regis accused Gelman of stealing from the Late Show. Gelman said it wasn't true, defending himself by saying he doesn't watch the Late Show. Oh, those guys! Gelman must still be ticked at Dave from when Dave made fun of his Top Ten read a while back.