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			Friday, January 09, 2004 Show #2103
			By Michael Z. McIntee	Change Text Color: Black \| White


	Billy Bob Thornton; Charlie Hill; and The Darkness. PLUS: Stump the Band; Late Show Unfair Edit; Will It Float; and who is on cape? STUMP THE BAND: It’s something we stole from Mr. Carson. We promise to give it back when we’re done with it. Apparently, Paul got the wrong memo earlier in the day. Instead of being prepared to play Stump the Band, Paul was prepared to play Carnac. Holding an envelope up to his forehead, Paul reveals the answer to the question which is hermetically sealed inside the envelope. “Pete Rose” the all-knowing Paul Shaffer exclaims. He then opens the envelope to read the question. “What happened when Pete took Viagra.” CONTESTANT #1: It’s Shannon Gillen of Borden, Indiana. Dave is from Indiana yet never heard of Borden, Indiana. Shannon names another local area but Dave remains in the dark. She offers “It’s a suburb of Lexington.” Oh, yes, down in the southern area of Indiana, by Kentucky. Shannon’s song: Johnerry Beck – Paul says he knows “Johnerry Beck” and performs. Shannon says that’s not the song she had in mind. Shannon sings “Johnerry Beck” which sounded like every song played during the Memorial Day Weekend Irish Festival in Durham, New York way back when. Nice song. It didn’t sound at all like a school/camp/girl scout song. CONTESTANT #2: Richard White from Detroit, Michigan. Richard is a “creative accountant.” Well now there’s a straight line just praying to be jumped on. A bewildered Dave asks for clarification of “creative accountant.” Richard says he takes a fresh approach to handling your financial needs. Dave asks, “Have you ever done time?” Richard says he hasn’t. Since Richard is from Detroit, Dave asks what’s the deal with their football team, the Lions? Richard shrugs and says, “I think they’re planning on Barry Sanders coming back.” I laughed a good laugh at that and wondered if that’s a common line in Detroit. I imagine it’s something that’ll be used for years and years to come until the Lions start winning. Like I said, they’ll be using that for year and years to come. Richard’s song: “Baycourt” – Paul again says he’s got it, but again, we find out he doesn’t. Richard sings “Baycourt” which sounded like the song of a Private School or a fraternity. Maybe I’ll Google it later for my own edification. CONTESTANT #3: From London, England, it’s Lisa Mann. “How long have you been here in America?” Dave asks. Lisa says, “About 7 hours.” Like most of us here in the States, I love to listen to the English and Irish accent. Put an accent on anything and it sounds liltingly lovely. Lisa works as a marketing executive. Dave, like myself, doesn’t know what a marketing executive does. Lisa explains. After the explanation, Dave, like myself, still doesn’t know what a marketing executive does. Lisa’s song: “Pink Pajamas.” Will Lee takes to the microphone and sings his version of “Pink Pajamas.” Unfortunately, it wasn’t the same as Lisa’s version. Lisa sings her “Pink Pajamas” and gets a dinner for two out of it. And that’s how Johnny played Stump the Band. Back from commercial, Dave points out the jerk in the audience who kept craning his neck in the aisle so the camera would catch him while Dave was chatting with Contestant #3, Lisa Mann. The camera cuts to the fellow who is proud as can be. It is his moment in the sun. His photo is now hanging in the ticket office with a big red “X” across the front. LATE SHOW UNFAIR EDIT: We find Arnold Schwarzenegger saying, “I am the worst governor in the nation.” WILL IT FLOAT? –Tonight’s item: a 50-pound bag of unpopped popcorn. “In a plastic bag?” asks Dave. “No, in a paper bag,” responds Alan. Dave asks the audience. It sounded as if they said “Float.” Paul says it will float. Dave, just before the drop, says it will float. The girls drop the 50-pound bag of unpopped popcorn and it . . . . . FLOATS! Dave calls tonight’s Will It Float just about perfect. BILLY BOB THORNTON: He’s been nominated for a Golden Globe for his performance in Bad Santa. I’ve heard good things about the film. I’ve heard disturbing things about the film. Most use the word “dark” when describing it. I found the clip shown to be a good sell and may get me to see the movie, that is, if I actually went to movies. Billy Bob is a father of two, Willie and Harry. Many think he named his sons after the children of Prince Charles and Lady Di. Nope. Willie is named for a Civil War hero from the family and the other is named for Billy Bob’s brother. Billy Bob is from Arkansas and after getting over the fact he’d never be a major league baseball pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals, he had to adjust his vision of the future. One day a long-time friend said, “I want to be a writer . . . you want to be an actor . . . . let’s go to New York.” So they loaded up the truck and they came to New York. They stayed 10 hours. Eventually, they moved to California. Before making the big time, Billy Bob worked at Shakey’s Pizza Parlor. Billy Bob says proudly, “I became Assistant Manager.” Apparently, Billy Bob had too big a heart to be an Assistant Manager at Shakey’s. Whenever he saw a big family coming into the shop, he’d pile on the cheese and toppings without charge. Maybe he’d give them an extra pie. He knew the gig was up when he was informed the Shakey’s Lie Detector detective would be coming around. Billy Bob got hooked up and, surprise! He passed the lie detector test. How did he pass? When asked, “Did you ever give away free food?” Billy Bob said, “uhhh, yeah.” Dave admits he is a bit surprised that Billy Bob actually achieved the position of Assistant Manager. Billy Bob said, “I think they hated me so much they just wanted to see me in a bow tie.” Billy Bob was also friends with Warren Zevon, appearing on Warren’s final CD, “The Wind.” Billy Bob says he and Warren shared the OCD and would often compare their behaviors. For instance, Warren observed Billy Bob removing mail from his mailbox. Billy Bob took out the mail, put it back in, took it out, put it in, and then took it out for the last time. Warren, leaning forward as is his style, says, “You have that, too?” They then compared notes concerning their OCD. “Do you do this?” and “But what about this?” One day, Warren asked, “Do you have it with guns?” At this point, Billy Bob gave up. “No, no, you win. I don’t have it with guns.” Billy Bob sings background on 3 songs on “The Wind.” He sings background on “Dirty Life and Times”, “Prison Grove”, and “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door.” Bad Santa – now in theaters. CHARLIE HILL: The Native American is an old friend of the show, appearing way back in the days of Dave’s LATE NIGHT. He’s been around so long, when he broke in to the business, he was an Indian. His first joke tonight: Looking into the audience, he says, pointing, “One little, two little, three little whiteys.” He laughs, “It pisses you off, too, huh?” Charlie Hill will be appearing on Valentine’s Day at the Seneca Casino in Niagara Fall, New York. ACT 5: On cape tonight: The delightful Cyndi Lauper! Her new CD is entitled, At Last and her concert tour kicks off February 12th at the Oneida Casino in Green Bay, Wisconsin. THE DARKNESS: They are one of England’s most popular Rock and Roll bands and were here making their network television debut. From their new CD Permission to Land, The Darkness performed “I Believe in a Thing Called Love.” Some say The Darkness is going to save Rock and Roll. And that was our show for Friday January 9, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA! My 8-year-old twin girls will be receiving their first Communion this Spring and are learning their prayers and going to church, but being kids, they would rather stay in their jammies Sunday mornings then to get dressed and sit quietly at church for an hour. I’ve tried explaining the importance of church, how it’s a time and place for contemplation, how it’s God’s house and the importance of giving thanks. I’ve also stressed the importance of preparing for the sacred sacrament of Holy Communion. They always end up going to Mass, but it still remains a struggle . . . . until now. Just before Christmas something happened that makes them eager to get to church like never before. They jump out of bed Sunday morning and get dressed all on their own. “Let’s go to church!” they cry. So what happened? It was the Sunday before Christmas. We were in church. The girls’ minds were a million miles away. We were instructed to turn to hymn number 402 in our Hymnal for the singing of “What Child Is This?” I open Dominique and Danielle’s hymnal to “What Child Is This?” so they can read and sing along. We sing: WHAT CHILD IS THIS? 1. What child is this who, laid to rest, on Mary's lap is sleeping? Whom angels greet with anthems sweet, while shepherds watch are keeping? Refrain: This, this is Christ the King, whom shepherds guard and angels sing; haste, haste to bring him laud, the babe, the son of Mary. 2. Why lies he in such mean estate where ox and ass are feeding? Good Christians, fear, for sinners here the silent Word is pleading. Well, right there, 2nd verse, 2nd line. Did you see it? The song goes, “Where ox and ass are feeding?” Seeing the word “ass” in black and white in a church book during mass is just too much for any 8-year-old to ignore. They immediately began elbowing each other, pointing and giggling. I knew what they were giggling about, since I remember doing the same a few years ago. I scolded them to be quiet, knowing that would only make it seem so much funnier. Trying to suppress laughter while at church is one of the funniest things in the whole wide world. It’s one of the nice things of being Catholic. The rest of mass service was filled with laughter as they continued to sneak peeks back at hymn #402. The next Sunday they couldn’t wait to get to church. Now when we leave the house for mass, we yell out together, “Let’s go to church to see the ‘ass.’” Hey, whatever works. Yesterday when explaining the Pat and Kenny Read Oprah Transcripts, I mistakenly credited the originator of the piece to Joey Bishop. I have been corrected. From Bruce Alter of Fairfax Station, Virginia: “Mike, Mike, Mike, Sole-surviving Rat Packer Joey Bishop may have guest-hosted on the Tonight Show 177 times and may have given Regis his big break, but he did not originate the straight-faced reading of song lyrics. The lyrics-reader was Steve Allen. ‘Among his TV routines: parodying juvenile rock 'n' roll lyrics by reading them as if they were sublime poetry....’ Hollywood Reporter, v. 365, no. 24 (Nov. 1, 2000).” The more succinct BlueMaxx94 simply put “Steve Allen” in the subject header. And Roseville, Minnesota’s Mark Nelson “corrected” me with the following: “It was Steve Harvey, not Joey Bishop, that read the lyrics to rock-n-roll songs.” Thank you for the correction. I will update my files. Don’t forget to watch the FOX football game this weekend to see if Chris Collinsworth and Joe Buck switch sides during their pre and post-game analysis with Troy Aikman remaining in the middle. If you remember, Monday I mentioned that with Chris standing on the left, his hands-free microphone was distracting coming across the right side of his face. With Joe Buck on the right, his hands-free microphone was distracting coming across the left side of his face. If Joe and Chris simply switched sides, the hands-free microphone wouldn’t be so apparent. Of course, they could each just switch the microphone to the other side of their face. And while we’re at it, my NFL picks this weekend: BEST BETS: in order 1. Eagles 2. Colts 3. Patriots 4. Rams Be warned: I don’t follow the game as much as I used to. When I think of the Eagles, I think of Randall Cunningham. The Colts – Bert Jones. The Patriots – Steve Grogan. The Rams – Los Angeles. Bet accordingly. Billy Bob Thornton; Charlie Hill; and The Darkness. PLUS: Stump the Band; Late Show Unfair Edit; Will It Float; and who is on cape? STUMP THE BAND: It’s something we stole from Mr. Carson. We promise to give it back when we’re done with it. Apparently, Paul got the wrong memo earlier in the day. Instead of being prepared to play Stump the Band, Paul was prepared to play Carnac. Holding an envelope up to his forehead, Paul reveals the answer to the question which is hermetically sealed inside the envelope. “Pete Rose” the all-knowing Paul Shaffer exclaims. He then opens the envelope to read the question. “What happened when Pete took Viagra.” CONTESTANT #1: It’s Shannon Gillen of Borden, Indiana. Dave is from Indiana yet never heard of Borden, Indiana. Shannon names another local area but Dave remains in the dark. She offers “It’s a suburb of Lexington.” Oh, yes, down in the southern area of Indiana, by Kentucky. Shannon’s song: Johnerry Beck – Paul says he knows “Johnerry Beck” and performs. Shannon says that’s not the song she had in mind. Shannon sings “Johnerry Beck” which sounded like every song played during the Memorial Day Weekend Irish Festival in Durham, New York way back when. Nice song. It didn’t sound at all like a school/camp/girl scout song. CONTESTANT #2: Richard White from Detroit, Michigan. Richard is a “creative accountant.” Well now there’s a straight line just praying to be jumped on. A bewildered Dave asks for clarification of “creative accountant.” Richard says he takes a fresh approach to handling your financial needs. Dave asks, “Have you ever done time?” Richard says he hasn’t. Since Richard is from Detroit, Dave asks what’s the deal with their football team, the Lions? Richard shrugs and says, “I think they’re planning on Barry Sanders coming back.” I laughed a good laugh at that and wondered if that’s a common line in Detroit. I imagine it’s something that’ll be used for years and years to come until the Lions start winning. Like I said, they’ll be using that for year and years to come. Richard’s song: “Baycourt” – Paul again says he’s got it, but again, we find out he doesn’t. Richard sings “Baycourt” which sounded like the song of a Private School or a fraternity. Maybe I’ll Google it later for my own edification. CONTESTANT #3: From London, England, it’s Lisa Mann. “How long have you been here in America?” Dave asks. Lisa says, “About 7 hours.” Like most of us here in the States, I love to listen to the English and Irish accent. Put an accent on anything and it sounds liltingly lovely. Lisa works as a marketing executive. Dave, like myself, doesn’t know what a marketing executive does. Lisa explains. After the explanation, Dave, like myself, still doesn’t know what a marketing executive does. Lisa’s song: “Pink Pajamas.” Will Lee takes to the microphone and sings his version of “Pink Pajamas.” Unfortunately, it wasn’t the same as Lisa’s version. Lisa sings her “Pink Pajamas” and gets a dinner for two out of it. And that’s how Johnny played Stump the Band. Back from commercial, Dave points out the jerk in the audience who kept craning his neck in the aisle so the camera would catch him while Dave was chatting with Contestant #3, Lisa Mann. The camera cuts to the fellow who is proud as can be. It is his moment in the sun. His photo is now hanging in the ticket office with a big red “X” across the front. LATE SHOW UNFAIR EDIT: We find Arnold Schwarzenegger saying, “I am the worst governor in the nation.” WILL IT FLOAT? –Tonight’s item: a 50-pound bag of unpopped popcorn. “In a plastic bag?” asks Dave. “No, in a paper bag,” responds Alan. Dave asks the audience. It sounded as if they said “Float.” Paul says it will float. Dave, just before the drop, says it will float. The girls drop the 50-pound bag of unpopped popcorn and it . . . . . FLOATS! Dave calls tonight’s Will It Float just about perfect. BILLY BOB THORNTON: He’s been nominated for a Golden Globe for his performance in Bad Santa. I’ve heard good things about the film. I’ve heard disturbing things about the film. Most use the word “dark” when describing it. I found the clip shown to be a good sell and may get me to see the movie, that is, if I actually went to movies. Billy Bob is a father of two, Willie and Harry. Many think he named his sons after the children of Prince Charles and Lady Di. Nope. Willie is named for a Civil War hero from the family and the other is named for Billy Bob’s brother. Billy Bob is from Arkansas and after getting over the fact he’d never be a major league baseball pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals, he had to adjust his vision of the future. One day a long-time friend said, “I want to be a writer . . . you want to be an actor . . . . let’s go to New York.” So they loaded up the truck and they came to New York. They stayed 10 hours. Eventually, they moved to California. Before making the big time, Billy Bob worked at Shakey’s Pizza Parlor. Billy Bob says proudly, “I became Assistant Manager.” Apparently, Billy Bob had too big a heart to be an Assistant Manager at Shakey’s. Whenever he saw a big family coming into the shop, he’d pile on the cheese and toppings without charge. Maybe he’d give them an extra pie. He knew the gig was up when he was informed the Shakey’s Lie Detector detective would be coming around. Billy Bob got hooked up and, surprise! He passed the lie detector test. How did he pass? When asked, “Did you ever give away free food?” Billy Bob said, “uhhh, yeah.” Dave admits he is a bit surprised that Billy Bob actually achieved the position of Assistant Manager. Billy Bob said, “I think they hated me so much they just wanted to see me in a bow tie.” Billy Bob was also friends with Warren Zevon, appearing on Warren’s final CD, “The Wind.” Billy Bob says he and Warren shared the OCD and would often compare their behaviors. For instance, Warren observed Billy Bob removing mail from his mailbox. Billy Bob took out the mail, put it back in, took it out, put it in, and then took it out for the last time. Warren, leaning forward as is his style, says, “You have that, too?” They then compared notes concerning their OCD. “Do you do this?” and “But what about this?” One day, Warren asked, “Do you have it with guns?” At this point, Billy Bob gave up. “No, no, you win. I don’t have it with guns.” Billy Bob sings background on 3 songs on “The Wind.” He sings background on “Dirty Life and Times”, “Prison Grove”, and “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door.” Bad Santa – now in theaters. CHARLIE HILL: The Native American is an old friend of the show, appearing way back in the days of Dave’s LATE NIGHT. He’s been around so long, when he broke in to the business, he was an Indian. His first joke tonight: Looking into the audience, he says, pointing, “One little, two little, three little whiteys.” He laughs, “It pisses you off, too, huh?” Charlie Hill will be appearing on Valentine’s Day at the Seneca Casino in Niagara Fall, New York. ACT 5: On cape tonight: The delightful Cyndi Lauper! Her new CD is entitled, At Last and her concert tour kicks off February 12th at the Oneida Casino in Green Bay, Wisconsin. THE DARKNESS: They are one of England’s most popular Rock and Roll bands and were here making their network television debut. From their new CD Permission to Land, The Darkness performed “I Believe in a Thing Called Love.” Some say The Darkness is going to save Rock and Roll. And that was our show for Friday January 9, 2004. Wahoo EXTRA! My 8-year-old twin girls will be receiving their first Communion this Spring and are learning their prayers and going to church, but being kids, they would rather stay in their jammies Sunday mornings then to get dressed and sit quietly at church for an hour. I’ve tried explaining the importance of church, how it’s a time and place for contemplation, how it’s God’s house and the importance of giving thanks. I’ve also stressed the importance of preparing for the sacred sacrament of Holy Communion. They always end up going to Mass, but it still remains a struggle . . . . until now. Just before Christmas something happened that makes them eager to get to church like never before. They jump out of bed Sunday morning and get dressed all on their own. “Let’s go to church!” they cry. So what happened? It was the Sunday before Christmas. We were in church. The girls’ minds were a million miles away. We were instructed to turn to hymn number 402 in our Hymnal for the singing of “What Child Is This?” I open Dominique and Danielle’s hymnal to “What Child Is This?” so they can read and sing along. We sing: WHAT CHILD IS THIS? 1. What child is this who, laid to rest, on Mary's lap is sleeping? Whom angels greet with anthems sweet, while shepherds watch are keeping? Refrain: This, this is Christ the King, whom shepherds guard and angels sing; haste, haste to bring him laud, the babe, the son of Mary. 2. Why lies he in such mean estate where ox and ass are feeding? Good Christians, fear, for sinners here the silent Word is pleading. Well, right there, 2nd verse, 2nd line. Did you see it? The song goes, “Where ox and ass are feeding?” Seeing the word “ass” in black and white in a church book during mass is just too much for any 8-year-old to ignore. They immediately began elbowing each other, pointing and giggling. I knew what they were giggling about, since I remember doing the same a few years ago. I scolded them to be quiet, knowing that would only make it seem so much funnier. Trying to suppress laughter while at church is one of the funniest things in the whole wide world. It’s one of the nice things of being Catholic. The rest of mass service was filled with laughter as they continued to sneak peeks back at hymn #402. The next Sunday they couldn’t wait to get to church. Now when we leave the house for mass, we yell out together, “Let’s go to church to see the ‘ass.’” Hey, whatever works. Yesterday when explaining the Pat and Kenny Read Oprah Transcripts, I mistakenly credited the originator of the piece to Joey Bishop. I have been corrected. From Bruce Alter of Fairfax Station, Virginia: “Mike, Mike, Mike, Sole-surviving Rat Packer Joey Bishop may have guest-hosted on the Tonight Show 177 times and may have given Regis his big break, but he did not originate the straight-faced reading of song lyrics. The lyrics-reader was Steve Allen. ‘Among his TV routines: parodying juvenile rock 'n' roll lyrics by reading them as if they were sublime poetry....’ Hollywood Reporter, v. 365, no. 24 (Nov. 1, 2000).” The more succinct BlueMaxx94 simply put “Steve Allen” in the subject header. And Roseville, Minnesota’s Mark Nelson “corrected” me with the following: “It was Steve Harvey, not Joey Bishop, that read the lyrics to rock-n-roll songs.” Thank you for the correction. I will update my files. Don’t forget to watch the FOX football game this weekend to see if Chris Collinsworth and Joe Buck switch sides during their pre and post-game analysis with Troy Aikman remaining in the middle. If you remember, Monday I mentioned that with Chris standing on the left, his hands-free microphone was distracting coming across the right side of his face. With Joe Buck on the right, his hands-free microphone was distracting coming across the left side of his face. If Joe and Chris simply switched sides, the hands-free microphone wouldn’t be so apparent. Of course, they could each just switch the microphone to the other side of their face. And while we’re at it, my NFL picks this weekend: BEST BETS: in order 1. Eagles 2. Colts 3. Patriots 4. Rams Be warned: I don’t follow the game as much as I used to. When I think of the Eagles, I think of Randall Cunningham. The Colts – Bert Jones. The Patriots – Steve Grogan. The Rams – Los Angeles. Bet accordingly.


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